They say the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.
Unfortunately, when you are a single woman, you must embrace insanity via the act of dating. Sure, you can resign yourself to a life of celibacy and unhealthy co-dependence with your best friends, but a girl sometimes wants a good cuddle and dinner with someone who will tell her she looks pretty. It makes you crazy, but it cannot be avoided.
I had a date today, a coffee date with a doctor I connected with on match.com. He was an OBGYN and if nothing else, I have enjoyed all the jokes about his chosen field in the days leading up to the date. (At least he would warm his hands before touching me, he would be sure to know what the clitoris was, that kind of immature stuff.) I was a bit unsure about him-his profile was a tad lackluster and he used an alarming amount of exclamation points in his emails-but I felt it my duty to my mother to go out on a date with a doctor. Also, I am trying to be open minded. Some people just aren’t good at emailing.
I am trying to grow here.
So coffee it was. I rarely get nervous before dates. I am generally confident in my social skills, plus I have plenty of material. You go on enough dates and you know what stories kill. Finally, I am not above saying extremely crazy stuff to entertain myself and see the reaction of my companion when I can sense a date is tanking.
Well, my little friend was nervous. Very, very nervous. I call him my little friend as there was no way in hell that he was the 5 foot, 8 inches he claimed to be. He spent the whole date tugging his sleeve, scratching his head, futzing with the sugar shaker, and playing with his napkin. He stammered, he repeated questions, and he looked like a deer in headlights in there was a slight lull in conversation. He was so scared of any silence he spoke over me and didn’t process my responses. As a counteraction, I found myself very still in the hopes he would reflect my demeanor. I was the most subdued version of myself, practically motionless. It didn’t help. As I was drinking coffee by the gallon in an effort to not pass out with boredom, the stillness was an admirable feat. It was excruciating.
I escaped to the bathroom and texted my friend. “I am on a date with a twitchier version of Woody Allen”.
I paid my time and entertained his neurosis. Frankly, if it wasn’t me on the date, I would’ve been entertained by the display. It was so comically uncomfortable, I wish someone could have witnessed it. Though I know it is common, I always find myself shocked when smart people lack in social and emotional intelligence.
When it was over, I wanly smiled at him, thanked him for the cups of coffee and said it was nice meeting him. I am not one to hug if I don’t mean it, nor is it my style to give hope for a second date when there isn’t an iota of possibility that one will happen. I walked away from my doctor wishing he had given me a pap smear instead of subjecting me to those painful 90 minutes.
Back on the crazy train I go.
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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
My life seems so very dull in comparison.
Not sure if that’s a bad thing.
loved the line how it was your duty to your mother to go out with a doctor. oy! why do guys continue to lie about their heights? that’s the first thing we are bound to notice!
Olga @ MangoTomato´s last blog ..Rays Hell Burger Too
Was your date the night before better?
Ah, I’ve been on so many online dates like this - I feel your pain. Mine always manage to last about an hour (or one beer’s worth of conversation). And the best, I think there’s a certain satisfaction in checking another person off the list and saying that they “won’t do.” On to bigger and better romantic opportunities. But they are horribly painful to go through - I always have to call a girlfriend to debrief.
Jenna´s last blog ..Friday Food Porn- Birthday Cupcakes
bahahaha sorry to hear it was rough; though i have heard online dating can lead to that?
on a side note, have you ever considered date coaching? i really need a date coach and your bit about knowing good stories etc. sounds promising. (but i swear i am not as awkward as mr. nervous system disturbance)
leilani´s last blog ..Bachelor Number One
“…..so you’re telling me there is a chance…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX5jNnDMfxA
So, Twitter is your best friend, yes? Because I totally saw that message that you texted to your friend
San´s last blog ..Recipe- Noodle Casserole
hahaha…
Love that movie.
San´s last blog ..Recipe- Noodle Casserole
Hah your stories are priceless. Sometimes I actually miss dating (not those kind though). For the reasons you said - it’s nice to have someone take you out, make you feel interesting and pretty.
Not that the husband neglects me, but still….
Anyway, I really, really admire your philosophy about and ability to not give hope. Too many girls would do it automatically out of pity or feeling uncomfortable themselves. You’re totally doing the guy a favor!
Frugal Vegan Mom´s last blog ..Week 25
I’m so sorry that it was so terribly awkward, but I sure do like the imagery.
Suburban Sweetheart´s last blog ..All I Want for Christmas
I think that Internet dating gets an exemption for the insanity definition, even though it can really make you feel crazy. You kind of have to do the same first date things over and over.
I’ve decided doctors tend to be odd characters as human beings. I’ve recently been observing mine more closely, just out of interest. The only doctor I ever went out with - also from Match- didn’t touch me at all. Four dates and no arm squeeze, brush against me, anything. He kept asking me out, and I kept thinking, keep an open mind, he’s smart (a doctor!), interesting, blah blah blah…On our last date, I kept touching him (appropriately) to see if he’d flinch. In retrospect, I should’ve bailed after date one: He had a lot of anger towards his father — my dating specialty at the time. And he did triathalons like they were going out of style. Running from therapy much?
Whew, that was a lot. I suppose my Match days are not so far behind me.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..Connecticut is beautiful but kind of inconveniently located
Wow- I wish I had helpful words of insight, encouragement or hope. But sadly, I dont. Similar horror dating stories of my own are in fact the reason I have decided celibacy, dependency on friends and family seems more desirable than any more jaunts over coffee as above. Maybe ill meet him at work, at a mutual friends dinner party or at a bar but Im done forcing myself to date, date, date!! Bless you for still trying. Cheers, T.
Ah, chica, I’m in the same hell. Thanks for sharing the pain. xo
emma´s last blog ..Brittle
Lexa,
I’ve been meaning to tell you that I’m so happy you’re still blogging (again). I do love checking in with you during afternoon coffee hour(s).
Can I add you to my blogroll whenever I get around to adding it this week? Hugs from Germany.
Heather´s last blog ..When a good toast is kind of a roast…
The most boring date I have ever been on was also with a doctor. He dragged it out to two excruciating hours and somehow thought a great time was had, even though having a conversation was like pulling teeth. I think he was just lonely and really depressed, but it’s not my job to fix that in someone, especially not before I get to know him. I can deal with a certain amount of awkwardness. Awkward can even be downright charming at times. It’s the general lack of enthusiasm I have the hardest time dealing with.
Vie´s last blog ..Hard Lessons
I’m about to hop back on the crazy train myself. Sighhh. Here goes. And let’s hope I don’t meet a twitchier version of Woody Allen here in Boston, too!
Hannah´s last blog ..It is in the transformation
I recently went out with a girl who had pet snakes and was into martial arts. We didn’t have a second date.
All you can really do is look at it as blog fodder and hope against hope that someone might not disappoint you, I guess.
I’m never really all that shocked when smart people lack in social skills. I guess I just feel like maybe they spent their time learning one thing instead of another? I don’t know. But I’ve never thought that smart had to equal good social skills.
Well, I’m a smart person and I have awesome social skills. But I don’t think they HAVE to go together. Ha.
shine´s last blog ..I’m just…not that kind of girl
The two university professors I went out with? The same. But like you said, I felt it my duty to give it a try. Why do they lie about their height? Why?
k8´s last blog ..Various and Sundry
You know it’s bad if you’d prefer the pap…
The Maiden Metallurgist´s last blog ..19 Weeks
i just LOLed at the second to last line.
alexa - cleveland’s a plum´s last blog ..wine- according to the frenemy
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
Of course, of COURSE, I heard from him today.
Sigh.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh dating.
Nuff said.
Ashley, the Accidental Olympian´s last blog ..I TRY NOT TO SPOIL HER
Text him back that you dropped your phone in the toilet and it no longer works.
No need to explain how you were able to send the text in the first place.
Phil´s last blog ..Once more into the breach
I don’t know why but this reminds me of the Sex and the City episode when Carrie goes on a date with some guy and he thinks she’s staring at his stye the entire time. Then a bird lands on his head.
I’m married and still on the crazy train. I’ll save you a seat.
I’ve done the Match thing too. Some guys are really great in email, then you meet in person and they’re a total dud. I was on a date a few weeks ago with this guy. We weren’t totally hitting it off, but he was nice and normal, we just didn’t click. When you mentioned you’ll say things just for reaction reminded me when I asked this date if he knew any drug dealers. His reaction was priceless. I didn’t really mean to ask that, it was more pertaining to the story I was telling him, but hilarious nonetheless
This post is the perfect representation of dating in DC. I hope you don’t mind I send it to all of my friends in LA so they can start to understand.
Ooof. We really should make a list of no-gos.
freckledk´s last blog ..We’ve Got The Fug
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