This Year

I’m not a sunshiney type of gal, but you all know this.

My negativity (or, as I prefer to call it, my aggressive realism) has come up more frequently than usual in the past few months.

I still hold that I am not negative, that I am just not one to shellac the world full of faux sugarcoating when I feel unhappy.

I am a very lucky girl, I know this. I can see it when I examine the past twelve months.

I finally have a job that I love. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me batty at times, but frankly, I don’t think I could truly be happy in a tranquil work environment. I feel most at peace when I feel the Earth shaking under me.

I moved in to my own place. Not everyone has the means to live on their own in a great neighborhood, but I managed to pull it off.

I managed to truly mend a broken heart, one that lingered far too long thanks my natural propensity to press myself through emotional meat grinders during lonely and booze soaked moments.

I have taken trips, visited friends and family. I sometimes make foolish financial decisions, but I am generally able to afford most of what I want. I like shiny, pretty things. These indulgences are things I cherish. Yes, I am celebrating things. They sometimes help when you are dealing with the real stuff.

This year was not all puppies and rainbows, though. My health issues were certainly not a walk in the park, nor were all the side effects. The drudgery of dating was mind numbing at times. I still sometimes find myself yearning for a relationship, a connection, a family.

But this is where this year has been most transformative for me. This year I really identified those people in my life who will always be there, the ones who accept my foibles and inadequacies and somehow manage to love me despite all that. I have friends who will accompany me to doctor’s appointments, pick up phone calls in the middle of the night and steady my shoulders when I am spinning out of control. I try to do my best to be as good to them as they are to me. They don’t try to tell me how to live my life or try to make me be the person who they want me to be.

Yes, these friends love me despite my negativity.

Life is largely mundane. We need to be shaken up from time to time, whether it be through love, heartbreak, joy, or devastation. I think the best we can do is find those people who will hold your hand whether you are crying or laughing. We need those people who spice up the boredom.

I’ve found that. I have real connections in my life.

This year was not so bad with these people beside me.

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