Well, I thought the holidays would slip on by without much fuss this year. I had done my normal routine of ignoring they are happening, while obsessing about perfect gifts for the people in my life. I am an obsessive gift giver who spends far too much time browsing on line for the ideal gifts for the folks in my life.
For what it is worth, Grover KILLED with this one:
I was most smitten with the purple Chuck Taylor’s I bought her, but I know better than to try to compete with Jim Henson.
Thursday morning I was due to leave and like most nights before a flight, it was a restless sleep. I rolled over at 745am and grabbed my blackberry from it’s residence atop my pillow. I see a message in my inbox that send me upright in bed.
It is a notification from facebook. “Father Lemmy has sent you a message on Facebook”.
Now, there was a name I was not anticipating seeing. Thirteen years and he send me a message on facebook, like a 14-year-old girl.
The message read as such:
Subject: It is time to do this.
Body: Merry Christmas to you.
Hot tears stung in my eyes. Just…the audacity of it all. I suppose Rome wasn’t built in a day and at least it wasn’t an infamatory message, but for God’s sake. This? THIS is all you can give me.
The thing about my non relationship with my biological father is this: I am dealing with it. I think, most of the time, I deal with it well. Thirteen years gives you some time to cultivate coping mechanisms and hash out your issues in therapy. But it is a very tenuous house of cards. Me holding this house together is contingent on him continuing not to exist. He is fucking that all up. The holidays are always the hardest for people with fractured families, so I wish he had at least had the decency to wait until May to detonate this bomb.
It is a day I knew would come, yet it still shocked me. I have no idea what I am going to do, if or how I am going to respond.
For now, I make it to the new year. I drink to much and spend time with my urban family, ones who can pick up the phone and call me. People who don’t play Houdini and disappear. I hold together the house of cards with crazy glue and spend time with friends who solder it together with their laughter.
For now, I decide to do things on my own time.
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
*hugs*
yikes. that is… intense. hugs to you hun xo
leilani´s last blog ..texts from my inbox
Isn’t it funny how much power an invisable biological father has on you. I’m in a similar situation myself and just ask yourself why is he contacting you now and what does he want. Because it’s not really about him meeting your needs, it’s about you meeting his.
Remember people love you.
I am sufficienly ticked off on your behalf. You deserve better than that, and he damn well knows it.
Sorry.
oh boy. that’s a ton of bricks to get hit with on christmas. you DO very well deserve more. sit on it for a while. you will now if, and when, you are ready to reply.
by the way, that’s just the most adorable picture ever up there.
I’m so sorry, Lexa. People who do this are making an attempt to make themselves feel better. They *think* they are “doing the right thing” or “reaching out,” but really? It is to alleviate their own pain - not thinking anything through enough to see just how much MORE hurtful their action is.
I love ya. And don’t you forget it.
Also, I have never seen a picture of you with a baby. I like it.
k8´s last blog ..The Preschooler
Oh, Lexa. Of course it feels like a huge kick in the stomach, and the holidays are a fragile time. You deserve more, yes. And yet I wonder if maybe it’s the most he can do. I’m not defending him. Maybe it is all about him. Or maybe he’s trying. I don’t know.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..I am not sure what this says about me
Love the photo. Your smile makes me smile, too.
With respect to your father, whatever you decide to do (respond or not) and whenever you decide to do it, I hope that you’re at peace with your choice. I was extremely close to both of my parents when my mom died. That event understandably changed my dad forever. I’ve set boundaries in my relationship with him since he can no longer be there for me emotionally. People might not understand that and he might prefer if we were closer, but I can only do what’s best for me. I know that you’ll do what’s best for you, and I’m always here if you need to talk. xoxo
BIG hugs being given to you!
I have been witness to a very similar situation, and while people can provide advice, ultimately, the decision is with you, and there is really no wrong decision if you feel good about whatever you choose.
And for what’s it’s worth, you look pretty damn spectacular in that photo.
TheDivorcedGuy´s last blog ..A Look Forward