I was never much for resolutions…until I was. It is a gal’s prerogative to change her mind and last year I did just that. I didn’t write anything down or list my intentions or do some kind of silly ritual involving fire and dance, but I more just mentally ticked off some goals and made most of them.

And I am pleased with my accomplishments. Can I say that? I think I just did.

So, seems making goals and sticking to them works. Who would have thought. So this year, I am getting wild and crazy and writing them down. Indulge me.

1. Lose 35 (more) pounds. The weight loss thing has been going well (down 18), but the past ten days or so (Christmas Eve to New Years), the wheels came off the bus. My body is craving healthier food and my previous routine.

2. Find a workout routine I like. You people who like working out? I do not understand you. I tried a Couch to 5k this year and made it four weeks; I just hate running so very much. I make it to the gym for mind numbing circuits on the elliptical and walk the 2.2 miles home from work several times a week, but I have yet to find something I really enjoy. This year, I am going to try to check out more classes to maybe find something that excites me.

3. Pay to get my taxes done. I always suspect I am screwing myself. I already have the ball rolling on this one. Does this make me a grown up?

4. Go on three dates that didn’t come from the internet. I log on to OK Cupid and have done some OKC dates this year; some fine, some amusing enough, some disastrous. I have also met several people on Twitter and that is always wrought with peril; people think they know me and I am sure to disappoint. I am not 100% sarcastic bon mots, folks. Sometimes I am a real person, not Lemmonex.

5. Get my financial house in order. I am not horrible with money, just not awesome. I pay all my bills on time, but I could save more and I have no idea where the fuck half my money goes. Wait…yes, I do. Impulse purchases. I want to be smarter this year; shop more sales, shop less and thrift more. As I lose weight, it is just stupid to be shopping all the time, anyway. I have a lot of travel coming up the first few months of the year; I would rather have experiences right now than more stuff. I have everything I really need.

6. Make my apartment a home. The one thing I actually do need? A chair for my living room. I moved in early May and I still have a few boxes and things waiting to be hung. Time to pretend I will stay here a bit. (Though, it looks like this building is being sold as well, hahahahahahaha, SOB).

7. Nourish the friendships that enrich my life. I have amazing friends; it is a fact. This started last year, but I hope to continue to water the good relationships generously and let other friendships take their course. Well, isn’t this a god damn zen resolution? I have so many people who are wonderful in my life and many more fantastic acquaintances. It is okay that some of these folks are people I see once or twice a year. If people continually bail on me, I am not going to take it personally-people have busy lives with work and kids and partners-but I am also not going to chase them.

8. Go someplace new. This has been a goal the past three years. Last year I took trips to New Orleans, Phoenix (through work, but still counts!), Key West and Pittsburgh. This year, it looks like a trip to North Carolina is in the works and I hope to pull something together this summer. Maybe even leave the country? It has been a few years.

What about you? And hey, I ain’t too proud to beg for any tips you may have on any of these.

 

At close of business Friday, the deal to sell my building fell apart. It looks like it will likely still happen in the next few months, but the timing was awful. There is a lawsuit pending on the building that I cannot talk much about, but let’s just say one person has held up the sale. The news was heartbreaking and shattering to some that were counting on that money to move cross country this week or use it to close on homes.

Me? It was not good. A scramble to come up with some solutions, a brief moment of contemplating backing out of my move, realization that I could not do so without losing a substantial amount of money, rage, and anger. All those things.

Also, a reminder of how many amazingly kind and giving and supportive friends I have. I forever hope I am half the friend that mine are.

But the bottom line is I am ready to leave. My things are packed, my heart is no longer in that building, and my mental state needs me to be out of that apartment. Things are not going as planned, but I am so very glad to walk out of that apartment tomorrow.

It is the first place I lived alone. Sure, it was tiny and I didn’t have a couch. Yeah, I endured too many days without heat and hot water. And yep, that hole in my floor was a nuisance. Sweet Jesus, did the drunks on my stoop bother me sometimes. But for a really long time it was good to me. I mean, if those walls could talk.

Well, if the walls could talk they would ask me to get the baby oil off of them.

The next place will be better. The walls? Just as scandalized.

So, I found a new apartment.

I mean, I found a new apartment!

I move on April 5. Sweet Mary, that is soon.

The whole process was frustrating and stressful and it kind of brought all the worst parts of me out. The unknown is not my best friend and I found myself continually frustrated with my inability to bend the rental market of DC to my will. And this market, she is not kind. This is the kind of city where you will find a 590 foot one bedroom with only one small closet and two outlets in the whole place for the modest price of $1,750/month and you best consider yourself lucky.

Yet still, despite all the frustrations, I still left this quest with no desire to own.

The new place is great. It is big by DC standards (700 sq feet), has a dishwasher, all utilities included, and just steps outside my door is a patio with grills and tables. I see many a dinner party with a bottle of wine spilling out on to that patio. I stayed in my neighborhood, which was really important to me, and my commute to work barely changes at all. And hey! I can afford it. Every day miracles here, folks.

There is moving stress, yes. Did I happen to mention I have a big work event 13 days after my move? And then a week after said event my office is relocating? Oh. Well, now I have. My mental breakdown has been scheduled for April. I will be the woman rocking back and forth in the corner with the bottle of Prosecco.

But, I am ready. So fucking ready. The walls of this place have been closing in on me. I am ready to cook more complicated meals, to own a couch, to purchase a TV that will no longer leave men mocking me. For a lot of more personal reasons, I have grown to hate this place. It was once this huge step towards freedom and now I feel like I cannot escape certain ghosts. They have been exorcised, but the memory still lingers. I am ready for a fresh slate.

And a dishwasher. I am really ready for that dishwasher.

 

I know these things to be true:

1. Sequins make everything better.

2. There is a special place in hell for bad tippers.

3. Not everyone is going to like you.

4. A wide belt can hide a multitude of sins.

5. Flirting is a lost art, so learn it and do it well.

6. Red lipstick makes you 15% more mysterious.

7. A held hand is more breathtaking than a sparkly diamond.

8. Always give just a little bit more of yourself than you think capable.

9. Surrounding yourself with true friends will leave you feeling less alone.

10. Sometimes you just need to let the tears flow…

11. …and other times, you are better served by fighting every drop.

12. Grown men should have a grown man haircut.

13. The heart wants but it wants, but sometimes you need to tamp that shit down. Your heart can deceive you.

14. Aquanet: Trust the best.

15. There isn’t anything wrong with a healthy sense of vanity.

16. “Goodfellas” cheers up the rainest of days.

17. Revenge fantasies are crucial as long as you don’t act on them.

18. “Hello Kitty” paraphernalia over the age of 12 is unbecoming on any woman.

19. Being situationally funny is far more entertaining than an arsenal of canned jokes.

20. Proper grammar doesn’t cost money.

21. Every time you fail to say “please” and “thank you” an angel loses its wings.

22. Washing your face and brushing your teeth at night isn’t optional; it is hygene.

23. Adults who continually discuss the weight of others are speaking more about themselves.

24. It is okay to love Kim Kardashian or the Real Housewives.

25. Salt. It always needs more salt.

26. Sometimes, when you lose friends, it is because of you. Sometimes, it is all about them.

27. Even if it is just $10, giving to charity is the right thing to do.

28. It is always best to withhold about 25% of the truth.

29. If he won’t have sex with you on your period, there is a whole host of other things he is incapable of as well.

30. You are going to make mistakes. Learn from them.

31. How you change will surprise you.

Today, I am 31. I still have so much more to learn. May this list continue to grow.

 

New Year’s Eve was lovely. I found a leopard sequin dress (OH YES, I DID), spent it with close friends, had a dance party, snuck in to one of my most favorite places late night and woke up to the warm embrace of a hangover. No one really gets me like my hangover.

All in all, it was a good way to kick off 2012. I always say I am not one for resolutions, but I suppose that isn’t entirely true. My birthday is next week (only 8 shopping days left!) and I always use January as a time to take stock of this messy existence that is my life. So I guess examining things and moving forward with a plan of action is a resolution of sorts, but I am not the type to say “I will go to the gym x times” or “I will get in to a relationship this year” because..well, that all just seems so concrete.

Sidebar: Ryan Seacrest told me on New Year’s Eve that “get in to a relationship” was the third most popular resolution this year. Do things really happen this way? Do you will a relationship and it will happen? Is this why so many people seem unhappy and unfulfilled? You can’t just willy-nilly pick a relationship out of thin air. People are crazy. Maybe this is why I am single; I don’t want to be someone’s resolution, but a real, actual, flawed human person.

Anyway, so this year, I am hoping to just treat myself better. Continue to do my best to eat well without punishing myself for French Fries. Still go to the gym regularly, but not beat myself up when I skip. To take it easier on myself when I make mistakes, but to continue to do my best. To write with honesty and truth and not let mean spirited people derail me.

I think this is attainable, or at least something worth striving for. What have you resolved?

I cleaned out my drafts this morning. I spared you, dear internet friends, some real doozies packed with melodrama and histrionics this year. I know, I know. There was a lot of that as well, but the ones where I actually stopped myself…if these pages could talk. Oy.

I starting tomorrow, I am off work for 12 days, 12 glorious days. I plan on sleeping in, cutting and coloring my hair (I am once again vainly plucking greys) and trying to do something to my apartment that will make it look less like a hobo camp. Honestly, the condition of my place is offensive to hobos at this point. Other than that, not much is planned. I have been bestowed with several spa gift certificates already-the world is telling me I need to calm the hell down-so maybe a massage? Some day drinking? A trip to the King memorial? Who knows.

This is my first Christmas in DC despite living here for over 12 years. The decision to not visit family in Florida was difficult and complicated and I tortured myself more than I should have over it as this is my way. Perhaps my resolution for 2012 shall be to self-flagellate less?

I like it when I tell jokes and think I can change these things.

I do believe it was the right choice for this year, though. I will spend it with my dear friends M and S and my beautiful niece, L. We’ll shuffle all over town to various member’s of M’s family. I plan on observing the dynamics of other people’s families, always a more palatable option than living in the chaos of your own blood connections.

But, the drafts. I had a point with them, I swear. They served a good reminder of some of the roller coaster aspects of this year and this is where you all come in. I want to thank you. Thank you for reading, if you have been here for 4 years or 4 days. Thank you for making me feel less alone, less petty, less messy. Thank you for your comments, your private emails and your virtual hand holding. Thank you for calling me on my bad behavior and making work harder to be the best version of myself. This over-indulgent, vain experiment in agressive sharing and excessive navel gazing would be nothing without you.

You are all a part of my life. I hope you stick around and discover with me what comes next.