Hey you,
The other day someone asked me how I will feel when you get married. I was surprised. Of all the men in my past, I feel most at peace about you.
But it’s complicated. Isn’t it always?
Most people probably never use the word “sweet” to describe me, but with you? You? I was sweet. I thought about you constantly. I would buy little gifts and go out of my way to do anything that would make you smile.
I wanted you to think I was pretty and funny and smart, or at least smart enough to orbit you. God, I thought you were so smart. I still do. You are the smartest person I have ever met. So smart that you would never keep using the word “smart” over and over again. You would have the perfect word at the tip of your tongue.
You made me laugh so hard, belly laughs that had me falling off my bed. I poured myself in hearing your soft chuckle. I am smiling now just thinking of the ridiculous things you would say and do. I held on to a note you wrote me for years just so I could read it when I needed a good gut busting.
Should I admit all this? I know it isn’t very attractive. It’s true, though. You dominated my thoughts. You intrigued me. I was annoying and needy and sometimes the worst version of myself. You tolerated it.
Well, you tolerated it mostly. I can’t blame your occasional outbursts. Sometimes you know I need to be told to shut the fuck up.
I’m 30 now. I am not so outwardly sweet to men anymore. I got older and learned to protect my heart a bit more, but the old me who dotes and swoons is still there. I’m glad. I also know I am smart. Part of the reason I believe it is because you always told me. Every man is compared to you. You were good to me and for me and that is a pretty hard thing to replicate. You were my first glimpse at love.
This letter is overwrought. I know it doesn’t surprise you. You always let me be me. I don’t think I ever said thank you for that.
Thank you, you.
When you get married, I won’t be sad. This is not a tragedy. You aren’t mine; you were never meant to be. But I’ll mourn a bit. You are a piece of me and I don’t always like to share. But you are one of the good ones, kid. I can’t begrudge anyone you.
Love,
Lex
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Damn, Lex. I feel you on this one. Holy shit, do I ever.
Been there. ((hugs))
Tammy Gordon´s last blog ..MAP- Where to Eat in San Francisco
you’re a better person than i am.
Vittoria´s last blog ..Being my own Valentine- best idea ever
aww… I’m impressed. There’s not many people who wouldn’t be sad/jealous/angry when an ex-love is married.
I have a ‘you’ too. Someone who will always be in the back of my mind as a great person. I may always wonder a little bit of ‘what if’ but know it wasn’t meant to be. And really, I only wish him all the best in everything he chooses to do. He deserves it all and more.
lovely, as usual.
also note: i don’t think it has to be unattractive to be admiring
dominique´s last blog ..struggle
Well-written. Also: been there.
I tried writing something similar, a while ago. It wasn’t nearly as eloquent as yours.
TheDivorcedGuy´s last blog ..@!&!!!
you write about things that im scared to let myself think about sometimes. this one, this is a good one.
xo
I can relate, but eventually I was glad that the one who got away did so. It made me stronger when I eventually moved on.
Miss Dallas´s last blog ..Putting Off Plans
You know, outwardly we seem fairly different. But then you write things and I remember why I love ya in the first place. You think things that I think, feel things that I’m feeling.
Thank you for putting into words several things that I’m unable to.
<3
Dysfunction Junction´s last blog ..Misty Watercolors
Yup, I’ve been there too.
Only my “You” is married now with a gorgeous baby boy. I didn’t deal with it well when it happened, but now, I’m right where you are. How can I be upset when he’s happy, especially since I know he wishes the same kind of happiness for me?
Beautifully written. As always.
Rachel´s last blog ..V Day
Beautiful statement. Some people make us better - even if they’re not meant to be in our lives.
San´s last blog ..My Life Soundtrack
That is one sweet letter, Lexa. I feel lucky that I met my person before the You of my past met his; I’m certain I wouldn’t have been anywhere near as graceful as this.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..A kiss with a fist is better then none
This is intense and I know what it’s like. He was in my every thought and word, floating around me all the time, long after he stopped being mine. Way too long.
Then i met Shane. And I hardly think about “him” anymore, in any way. But when I do, it’s fondly.
This is beautiful.
anyone would be lucky to be the recipient of a congratulatory letter, as it were. he’s lucky to have been your “you” and hopefully he knows that.
what a beautifully written post. i know what you mean
michelle´s last blog ..warriors week7
I love this post. You have to love the good ones, even when it is hard to let them go.
Vie´s last blog ..The Art of the Friendzone
Like you, I’m usually able to be happy for people in this situation because I realize they’re with the person they’re supposed to be with. This only happened to me with one person, and it hurt like hell for a while — but of course, in hindsight, it was for the best and now I’m dating someone who makes me realize why I never should have been with the first guy.
Zandria´s last blog ..Life List- Visit Philadelphia
I am so very proud of you! Enough said!
I wrote a version of this letter. I like yours much, much more. Well said.
Hannah´s last blog ..Let me wear the day well
Sorry, kid - wasn’t meant to be.
(I always assume these types of things are about me)
Phil´s last blog ..Once more into the breach
Your writing is getting ridiculously amazing-and it already was.
I feel you on this.
Liz´s last blog ..On Turning 30
Wow, I can really relate to this, I think most of us have the “You” somewhere in our lives
Good, truthful writing.
That was awesome. You put your heart right out on your sleeve with that one. Beautifully written girl!
It’s redundant to comment with “been there,” but I’m doing it anyway. You said it better than the many times I tried.
Kerry´s last blog ..How to Make Cake Balls