Us single people tend to feel like pariahs, left behind, discarded and unlovable this time of year. Chalky confection hearts mock us and saccharine sweet commercials feel like extended middle fingers.
It is easy to listen to the missives of peers, complaining that their boyfriends have to work or their husbands are away or they cannot get the perfect dinner reservation this Valentine’s Day, and roll your eyes. Sure, there is a part of you that thinks, “Please, shut up. At least you have someone”, but there is another part of you that feels oddly liberated. You have a sense of pride that you aren’t so tangled up with someone that you feel the need to live some unattainable fairy tale.
Valentine’s Day doesn’t make me feel alone. It’s a day, a day devoid of meaning and any real consequence. The moments when I feel alone are quieter and pass with far less fanfare. Struggling with luggage. The empty reach in the middle of the night. Making your own soup when you are sick. Those are the days that you are reminded that you are alone.
But in a sense, I am free. Struggling alone with the luggage is better than the guy who watches you flail and doesn’t step in. An empty reach is better than reaching for someone who is supposed to be there and finding him absent. Making your own soup is better than a man who never makes time for you.
Love is a disease, it permeates every cell. It alters our judgment at times and blinds us to flaws, faults and foibles. At its, best you feel like you are floating. It is thrilling, exhilarating and validating. At its worst, it grinds you into the remnants of the person you used to be. I’m open to love, truly, but I’m not a child. Fairly tales don’t exist. I don’t want to float anymore, I just want to hold myself together.
I think, maybe, one day I will find him, if there is such a thing as finding him. I tend to think most of us just luck in to someone or force ourselves to settle. But just as important as finding him is holding on to me, remembering who I am. I have been deluged with “you go girl!” blog posts and emails. I know they work for many people and I respect the place they come from; people cope in different ways. But this Valentine’s Day I won’t be staring in to a mirror telling myself just how great I am. It isn’t me. Instead, I will just remind myself I am together. I am whole.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Patience, Lemmonex.
Susan´s last blog ..
Hm. Interesting comment. Always intriguing to see how people read things.
YES. I am finally at the age where I feel this way. But I despise how, being this age and single, people automatically expect me to be bitter on Valentine’s Day.
Any day of the year, I’d much, much rather be single and self aware, than in a relationship and blind.
Nevertheless, I will still probably kill a bottle of wine come Monday. But that is pretty much Monday in general for me.
Kerry´s last blog ..Valentine’s Day Menu Ideas
Valentine’s Day is just a made up ‘holiday’ and a marketing excuse to get saps to buy more consumable junk. And I am sure the restaurant lobby would never let it go away. My single self will feel not a twitch that day, I am quite content with just me.
I wish, wish, wish I had such a good attitude about V Day. Most days I feel exactly the same way you do - I’m happy to not be tied to anyone and living a life I’ve chosen rather than be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. But Valentine’s Day does make me feel more alone. It always has, and I hate being such a stereotypical, single, 20-something girl and I’ve tried to embrace the fact that I’m not, as you so aptly put it, struggling with my luggage while a guy watches and doesn’t intervene.
But damn, just once I’d like to be like all those couple who don’t know how good they’ve got it when they complain about dinner reservations. For now, I’ll be happy with a dinner date with another single girlfriend instead.
Rachel´s last blog ..Oscar Watch 2011 DC Edition
Yes. Just… yes. You said that perfectly.
Amen, sister.
Even me, with a “Valentine” this year, feels this same way. I don’t need a man to make the day. It’s just another day. Sure, I’ll eat chocolate and say it’s because it’s Valentine’s Day, but I won’t feel more or less in love than any other day of the year, honestly. It’s like New Year’s Eve to me. I just don’t expect a difference in feelings because Hallmark dictates that I should.
Devoid of meaning. Completely.
From a guy’s perspective (or at least this guy’s perspective) I would much rather be single on Valentine’s Day than in a relationship. The lameness of V Day in my eyes is the expectation for it to be romantic. It seems to me that surprise and spontaneity are two pretty important factors in romance. So if you have one day where you’re specifically supposed to be romantic than that sort of takes all the romance out of it and there can be only two results, you significant other is disappointed or you meet expectations, you can never surpass expectations. If you plan out some amazing evening or get the perfect gift so what, that’s what you were supposed to do. So why bother. I rather take what I would have done on Valentine’s Day and surprise a girl with it some random day in September or something than do it February 14th every year. It’s to much pressure and anticipation for what will more than likely be a letdown.
surprise + spontaneity = romantic
You’re 100% right! It’s amazing how many people either don’t get that, or else get guilted/pressured into going the Hallmark route come February 14th. I think a day to celebrate love is fabulous, but why cap it at one day? Why not just do sweet things for the people we love all year long?
Riff Randell´s last blog ..Kids Are Cute! Ish
or you can join me at the annual Valentine’s day stoning of a happy couple!!
http://www.theonion.com/video/annual-valentines-day-stoning-of-happy-couple-held,19117/
omg, once again I agree w/you on so many things. Whenever I go dancing solo and have to stand out a song, I always think that it’s better than being w/someone who would just stand there and not ask me to dance.
amen.
Is Love a disease or a battlefield? I will be delving into these questions and more on Valentine’s Day. Or I will just be watching Say Anything. Either way.
Rahul´s last blog ..Queens- Dairy Queens- and Queen A Royalty Joint
I have always hated Valentine’s Day. I feel like it encourages female narcissism and encourages their partners to be lazy and not do romantic shit throughout the year, in addition to the impossible standard of living up to fairy tales . I don’t believe in fairy tales either. I straight up told my most recent Ex-boyfriend that I didn’t believe in celebrating it, in spite of the fact that we were in a relationship at the time. A partner does not make you complete.
Vie´s last blog ..The Art of the Friendzone
After a decade of marriage, I will be spending this Valentine’s Day alone. I am not even really sure how to react or what to do. I know that sounds a little girly for a man to say. But when you are so used to having someone around for little holidays like this, it can be kind of a shock to the system.
You’re back! Though I assume you’ve been back for a while? I’ve been out of the blogging loop until recently.
I’m glad you’re back though. I find your writing to be refreshing, honest, and eye-opening. Case in point: This post.
I heart you. The whole you.
Hannah´s last blog ..That time I pretend I am wise- and you should listen
Thanks to everyone who commented and emailed me privately about this. Always nice when something resonates and you know you are not alone. Happy Valentine’s Day. XXOO Lex
Lemmonex - I haven’t commented in a long time, but this struck me because I know how you feel. I have often rolled my eyes at this day because of all it symbolizes in a weird, competitive way - and yet, felt bad that I felt the need to address it. Love is more about weeks, months, years, it seems to me, than any day. So I hope you future is full of weeks, months, and years of love.
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