For a very long time, I relished my tough girl image. I would test myself, see how hard I could push my heart and mind, doing incredibly painful things to myself just to prove I could take it.
It was such a silly thing, really, but I did it over and over and over again. These heartbreaks would crack my insides, but I was completely obsessed with proving some sort of point to myself. I told myself time and time again that these jerks couldn’t hurt me, and OH, I would SHOW THEM how little they could.
I am a masochist to my core. Believe me, us masochists always find willing sadists.
Predictably, a lot of this would play out with men. God, the truly awful men I’ve dated. Unemployed or underemployed. Emotionally distant. Belittling. Simmering with insecurity. Demeaning.
I am 29-years-old and I have had one long term relationship. That relationship was…flawed. I don’t wish him ill and I loved him the best I could (and vice versa, I assume), but he wasn’t my love story. I look back on that time in my life and I see someone I barely recognize. He has told me he considers me a stranger now. I think that a tad dramatic, but I see his point. By breaking up with him, I was certainly changed.
Plus, I have worked on me. And when I say work I mean I have had a shit ton of therapy.
That touchy feely bullshit has helped me. I am ready, quite ready, for my love story, but it turns out this is the one thing I cannot will. Jesus, I want someone who will watch Mad Men with me, overlook my cellulite and laugh at my over the top tirades. I want comfort and passion and sex with connection. I want to know someone.
Lately, when I look at couples, I feel something different than I have in the past. It is something almost unknown to me at this point. Sure, there is sex and dating in my life, but that known familiarity? The glances that only a couple can share or the hand that reaches for a willing and waiting companion? It has been over four years since I felt that. I am not envious, but more intrigued. What would it even feel like to share that with someone? I cannot even imagine cuddling next to someone on the couch or having a standing date for dinner parties.
It is just tough finding that in this city. It is hard out there, facing the dinner parties alone, but I would rather do solo than play out the same tired story I have had in the past. The sex can be rough, but the rest of it can happily stay in the past. Bruises on the heart take much longer to heal.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve ALWAYS said that I would rather be alone than be ina bad relationship. At least alone, I have a relatively good relationship and enjoy the company. It’s worth the wait for the right person. If you settle for less, it won’t last anyway. You know that. You know you.
love this post… so much of it i have felt before - and you put it so eloquently. here’s hoping to no more bruises but lots more sex.
leilani´s last blog ..Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do
Good god it’s like you’re crawling around in my head and then writing this. Girl, we need to talk, I can relate to this SO WELL.
Maybe it’s just a universal theme, but like Jessica, I also feel like I could have written this. Thanks for writing it so I didn’t have to.
DiaryofWhy´s last blog ..Why I never was Homecoming Queen
Join the club. I think this cuts both ways for both men and women. Comments above me said they could have written this. I could have too, although obviously with a slightly different twist since I have different anatomy.
TheDivorcedGuy´s last blog ..Dating in DC- A Year kinda in Review
You know yourself well enough to know that you won’t settle. That’s not a bad thing. You deserve to wait for the love story and that guy with whom you will share knowing glances, Mad Men and so much more! xoxo
City Girl´s last blog ..Quite A Day
me, i always thought i could be the tough girl, but never put myself through the trials to prove it. most of the time i considered that a flaw and called myself weak. in saner moments, i suppose it’s good.
i don’t think its a negative to have forgotten what you have - i think when it comes, it will be all the more powerful. here’s to good luck for you.
before CK i could have written this post, but now that CK is in my life it’s an amazing feeling and proof that even old bitter broads like us can become all in like and stuff
xo
alexa - cleveland’s a plum´s last blog ..brewzilla winner announcement and goodbye downtown cleveland
I had an interesting conversation with someone you know this weekend about weddings and what my wedding would be like. He seemed shocked that I told him I didn’t really care about having a wedding and I thought they were a waste of money. The caveat … if I was friends with a celebrity and said celebrity would be at the wedding. Then I’d want to have one just so people would be jealous that I was friends with him/her. Regardless, I still would like gifts. I feel I deserve them for all the times I shelled out dollars on couples (many of whom are divorced or in truly dysfunctional relationships) when I’d rather have spent money on myself. Maybe that’s why I’m more and more opposed to a big wedding. I’d rather spend tens of thousands of dollars on clothes, furniture, awesome vacations, or you know, saving up for fertility treatments and adoption. But if Lady Gaga or Jake Shears is singing at my wedding, you better believe I will go into debt to make everyone envious.
Anyway, my LEGITIMATE point was, while I think it’s nice to have some big public declaration of love, as I approach 40, I’m much more concerned with the intimate declaration of love. I’m worried about finding that … let alone planning some big goddam wedding. That almost seems like too much icing for the cake. (And yes, icing is the best part. Give me the rose, please.) Most of my friends are still single. I sometimes wonder if we all have some birthmark that keeps us from dating winners or falling easily into relationships. And of all the couples in my life, I only think a handful of them are actually happy and normal (read: they don’t make me uncomfortable). I wonder if that’ll ever be me. And how would I function if it were me? It just seems foreign at this point, but hopefully not too foreign that it’ll never happen.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. I swear to God I never thought I was going to meet anyone “special”, and I was looking forward (albeit in an already-jaded way) to a life of friends, pets and fuck buddies. Then in November of 2008 I met this guy, went on a few dates (like, actual dates! Not booty calls!) and thought “meh, why not give commitment a shot?” Fast-forward two years later and we’re still together, not only that but I can’t imagine my life with anyone else.
My love story came out of left fucking field. Yours is probably closer than you think.
Racquel Valenica´s last blog ..No Glee
I could have written this a few years ago. This WAS me. Until I realized it. A little self awareness goes a long way.
The Maiden Metallurgist´s last blog ..16 Weeks
I love this post. I feel your pain regarding men - I have often picked ones that were terrible for me, trying to change myself around them to be OK with it, until I wake up and realize, “oh, wait. You actually don’t like bad sex/want a house in the suburbs/want someone who treats you like crap.” I am, more or less, always dating, but I rarely feel that intimacy with men - and when I do, they’re often bad for me. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Vie´s last blog ..Hard Lessons
Just yesterday, I was explaining to someone that I refuse to date just to date anymore. I can’t. It’s not good to me. I will wait. And perhaps wait in vain. But being true to who I am is more important than anything else in that arena. Sex or no sex. Husband or no husband. I must have my insides right.
k8´s last blog ..Vibrant Vegetables and Sleeping Babies
I’ve realized in recent years the problem with all my relationships is me. I’m the one that pulls back when it gets serious, but the one I wanted to get serious with didn’t work out and I still find myself waiting to see if it will. I know it won’t and it is getting easier for me to realize that it won’t.
Plus if I lived close I would be willing to always be your standing date.
I’m 31 and in a similar situation to you. I can totally identify. Part of me really wants a relationship, the other part doesn’t want to settle. It sucks.
Paula´s last blog ..TYPES
Sometimes? I think you and I could write each other’s blog posts when it comes to dating, singlehood, men, love. Thank you for putting this out there. I am, as always, comforted by your words.
Hannah´s last blog ..Bed rest
yes. yes. yes. goddamn it’s hard because it’s a balance — there’s something to be said for not having a cold bed, but to use up all your fabulousness, sex appeal and wit on a witless douchebag? worse.