While in Atlanta this past weekend, I got to see the lovely Jenn. It was a nice treat, an added bonus to an already great weekend.
While sitting on Betty Joan’s back deck, sipping shandies and enjoying the beautiful weather, we got to talking about privacy. You see, Jenn is one of many friends I have made on the internet. And I know people don’t get it, but I have managed to make quite the admirable collection of friends from the internet. Some I talk to occasionally, some I go to with certain questions, other are members of my MamaPop/MoxieBird family and others I have even met through Twitter. Yes, I have made friends through every avenue of social media possible and I am better for it. This group of witty writers, colorful personalities, and wacky characters pepper my life to a varying degree. Among my closest friends are people I once counted online strangers. It works for me. They see other parts of me, challenge me, and push me to be a better writer.
While talking to Jenn, the question of privacy came up. She asked me if I ever wished I could take some of my privacy back, if I regretted what I had put out here. And I guess the answer is complicated.
I regret that I have said things in the past that have hurt people unintentionally. I wish that certain people didn’t have the access to my life that I allow other people. It’s hard when I start to date someone and I know they can easily find year-yes, YEARS-worth of unfiltered feelings on the internet. I feel a lot of feelings and sometimes they are complicated and messy and wholly unflattering. I feel that sometimes people have a leg up on me, that they think they know exactly how I feel or what I would do when that isn’t quite the case. Also, when people comment on my life in a negative way or tell me how I should behave, I get down right pissy.
But a lot of people do get me out here. The payoff of being so open is I get to hear people call back to me when I scream in to the abyss. And of course that is selfish, but if most of us are honest, we desperately crave validation of some sort on some level and we just want to feel less alone. Some of the kind words about my PCOS got me through those initial dark days and I have torn open the veins of certain heartaches and let them bleed all over these pages.
At the end of the day, I still have my privacy, though. Perhaps I live a bit more openly than most and share things others find unimaginable, but on the whole, I am comfortable with it. Only my best of friends know my dark thoughts and not one of you knows who I was with last week or what was the last thing that made me cry. That belongs to me and I hold on to that tightly.
There have been compromises along the way. But as I sat on that deck of a woman I never might have known with a woman I never would have known all because of the internet, I knew that the good outweighed the bad.
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So what makes you cry?
For me, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives. There’s way more out there in the world than most people would have the time or patience to read. That said, when I was dating, I was very very aware of everything I had put out into the world for some new person to read, and scared they would maybe not like me so much for it. But the friends - such an amazing benefit of blogging.
I feel truly blessed to have met and befriended you. And although I question whether I’d like some of the things I’ve put out there back, I am happy with the friends I’ve made! And that only happens when you do put yourself out there.
Ultimately, it’s always a balance between the desire to privacy and the desire for exposure. What matters to me is, I always keep a place where I can always find my privacy. That the sacred place of my own:)