I’ve always said that I think losing friendships is just as hard as breaking up with a partner. Society doesn’t recognize friends the way we recognize partners and while you can get away with a few teary moments at work over a lost love, it is a bit more complicated to explain a friend dumped you.
And that is what happened to me a few months back: A friend dumped me.
It was abrupt. There was no warning or signs that the end was nearing. I was talking to him on a very regular (almost daily) basis and then I wasn’t. I reached out multiple times, inquiring as to what I could have done wrong. I combed over text messages and email exchanges hoping I could piece something together. I ran through phone conversations on a loop. Perhaps I made a careless statement or a remark meant to be funny was misinterpreted? Nothing.
I have one guess as to what might be the culprit, but it is only that, a guess.
The hardest thing has been the suddenness, the violent hole that was torn in my heart by his disappearance. He is one of the people in my life who I felt understood me; he called me on my bullshit and let me rant when I needed to. He was my oldest friend, dear to my heart and a true pillar that always pieced me together when I felt like I was crumbling. I always tried to do the same. I am sure I failed him at times-I would never claim to be perfect-but I cared about him. I trusted him in a way I trusted few. I thought he got me.
And perhaps he got that I am not worth it, that I was to be abandoned. Maybe he saw some ugliness in me that I am not even aware of and decided to wash his hands of it all. I know that isn’t the case. In my heart, I know that this is an act of cowardice and cruelty that is to be pitied. Yet, it is hard to negotiate with a broken heart, one that still hopes for an email and still aches for an explination.
It is a loss, one I am still working through and mourning. I am heartbroken. I know I can’t have him back, but I want the piece of me he took with him.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
“I know I can’t have him back, but I want the piece of me he took with him”
Oh, my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m right there with you in grief.
I had this happen to me, over a year back. Much like you, I have only guesses about what the actual root cause was. But this was someone I’d been friends with for 5 years. Our daughters were very close. It was horrible, crushing. for at least 10 months I cried at least monthly - real, body-shuddering sobbing - over it. I tried to ask WHY? WHY? And got no response. Eventually, as I think you have to, I just become indignant, angry. Now I wouldn’t speak to this person if you paid me. Because, I mean, WHO does that? Right? Just cuts someone off like that? It takes a pretty hard, ruthless, cruel person to do that, I think. Someone I ultimately don’t want to know.
But I know where you’re at, and how hard it is now. I’m really, really sorry. But I think, just as people come into our lives for a reason, people leave our lives, too, for a reason.
Come to Baltimore. I’ll wine (and whine!) and dine you, and you’ll forget all about him
(sigh.)
sweetney´s last blog ..One And Done
You know, I had something like this happen to me recently and it hit me really, really hard. I think it is because I take friendships so seriously I take expect others to as well. And when they don’t it is really painful.
it gets easier, this is true, but it truly never goes away, the missing feelings that is, because i still have regret from a high school best friend break up that happened during college all these years later.
hug.
alexa - cleveland’s a plum´s last blog ..yeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
I’ve been dealing with something similar lately, and I’m so sorry it’s happening to you, too. It’s easy to blame yourself for what may have gone wrong, but I’ve found it very rarely has anything to do with you. People become selfish with their friendships and their timelines, and they push others away when things start to change in their personal lives. But it’s not your fault — a true friend is one who loves you despite any flaws you may have. Of course, that doesn’t make the sudden rejection any easier.
flipflopsintherain´s last blog ..making a list doesn’t necessarily help me stay motivated…
I’ve been there. Last summer a friend all of a sudden stopped talking to me. We used to talk almost everyday and then I just stopped hearing from him. Truth be told, I don’t know why but I was also scared to ask.
Lately we’ve been talking a little bit and I said something about how we had been friends for so long and then all of a sudden we weren’t. He responded with something like “we never stopped being friends.” I still don’t know what happened with us. Maybe one day I will know, maybe I won’t.
But I know how you feel and how hard it is when it happens. Don’t worry, I promise never to dump you.
lbluca77´s last blog ..The internet…not just for shopping and porn anymore
A friend did this to me nearly two years ago and I felt like part of me had died. It was worse than a break-up, in some ways. I know how hard it can be.
There’s nothing I hate more than false hope, BUT…after a year and a half, we reconciled and he’s once again my best friend in the entire world, after work and a lot of yelling. So. You never know. Either way, I’m sorry you’re feeling the pain now, love.
Friend break-ups are the worst. I lost my best friend of 8 years last year due to her getting a serious boyfriend. Classic, right?
It sucks balls, damn straight. But I eventually got over it. No one has replaced my friend, and maybe no one ever will, but now instead of feeling anger I smile at the good times we had. Didn’t think that would happen but it did.
*hugs*
vvk´s last blog ..Stimulus
I know that feeling. It is so similar to a breakup with a significant other. Every time a relationship has ended I have cried because I lost a friend. The intimacy is missed but it’s the friendship that tears my heart out. Eventually though we move forward.
Grace´s last blog ..Food Friday- Cinnamon Sugar Bread
Mine happened over time and solidified when I was dumped by the man who she urged me to date in the first place. She decided that since she was friends with both of us, she didn’t want to take sides. She’d known me for 11 years, him for 2. Many of our other mutual friends had no problem hearing me out and helping me heal while not taking sides.
It seems to me that friend breakups tend to not have the talk, which I think is part of why they are so much harder. Only part of it though.
Katherine´s last blog ..New Obsession
I’ve been on the flip side of this -dumping a friend- and I was still absolutely heartbroken. I mourned the end of our friendship like I would mourn the end of a relationship. It didn’t matter that I had initiated the break, it was still a great loss.
this happened to me in college one of my best best friends…I’m still not over it
years later we tried to give it a go again… but things were never the same… I think its
part of why I’m not on Facebook or those sites… I’d just prefer some folks not being able to find me…. sorry kiddo…. it hurts… for a realllly long time…. xoxo
suicide_blond´s last blog ..tell me why i dont like mondays…
So first, know that in your case, I am absolutely on your side and willing to pop this dude in the nose if you want.
But, like Leigh, I’ve also been on the other side of the equation — I hit a point last year with my best friend from college where I just. couldn’t. anymore. Our pattern had gotten too exhausting and too one-sided, and I hit a point where I realized I had to stop putting myself out there for someone who was not giving back anymore.
I still feel sad about it every time I think about it, but it’s a lot better than feeling emotionally abandoned every time I tried to communicate with her.
jordanbaker´s last blog ..Top Chef All Stars- It’s really the penultimate supper- but that didn’t have the same ring
Oh, I am totally with you. I have been on the other side as well, but I like to think I handled it better, as I am sure you did.
Lexa´s last blog ..Looking Hot on the Cheap
Oh, this is such an awful, awful feeling - made worse, I think, by the lack of fall-out. In the past, when friends have dumped me, they’ll typically tell me why, or I can guess for myself, but to lose someone so suddenly & so inexplicably? Even more brutal.
Suburban Sweetheart´s last blog ..Getting Serious About Suburban Living
Being abandoned by a friend is a terrible, terrible feeling, and it takes years to recover from. It’s harder than a boyfriend dumping you, because with love, well, you’re only looking for one at a time (or at least, I always was, and operated on the assumption that the men I dated were, too, but that’s off-topic). But with friends, you’re not limited to a number at a time, and so it is very very personal.
I’ve recently come across the FB profile of an old friend who dumped me. She’s friends with a mutual friend of ours who I’d drifted out of contact with. Every once in a while I consider writing her - I mean, at this point we’re 15 years older and more mature…but then I think, really? Is there any point? I don’t know.
lemon gloria´s last blog ..In which I am totally cutting edge in 2007 Also- what are you reading
It’s about emotional investments. It’s painful when the market crashes and you lose your investment; even worse, when he devalued his own stock in you.
I feel you. I’ve been going through a similar thing with some college friends lately… at what point do I throw in the towel on a friendship? At what point do I take the hint? IS there even a hint to take or am I being too sensitive, imagining rebuffs where there are none? Ugh.
You’re so right, we don’t get to mourn friendships the way we do romantic relationships, and in some cases - for me at least - friendships can be longer and more intense than romantic liaisons.
Racquel Valencia´s last blog ..The Long March
I think it’s unfair to not allow a mourning period. Most of my friendships have outlasted my romantic partnerships, and though they are different, they are vital parts of our life, and when they suddenly disappear, it’s a terrible feeling. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Vie´s last blog ..The Art of the Friendzone
The no explanation part seems so unfair. Because if you are like me, you are going to mull it over and over, trying to get to the explanation on your own.
It makes it so much harder to process and let go when you are still mulling things over.
You are right, it was a cruel and cowardly act, because for sure you are not a person to be abandoned. His loss!
Michelle (bikramyogachick)´s last blog ..Checking in and letting go
I’m sorry.
The friend breakup is far worse than the relationship breakup. I realize that there are conditions in every relationship, but it sometimes sucks to learn that friend love is not unconditional, and that they can leave you at any time, quietly or otherwise, for a good reason or without one. But, still, so heartbreaking.
wow… surprised to hear so many people have been through the same thing. my best friend since high school did the same to me just a couple years ago. it happened slowly, but we had been through so much and were so, so close I just couldn’t handle it when I realized how final it was.
the only way I could describe it to my husband was that I’d been broken up with. I cried many times over the years about it and still have dreams about her, and occasionally break down and ask my husband or sister to check on facebook to see what she’s up to.
Frugal Vegan Mom´s last blog ..First Night Out and Baby Acne
I’m sorry you’re going through such pain. It sounds like many of us have been there. You may always wonder why, but eventually the pain eases a bit. I love you, my friend!
This happened to me, but not as suddenly. My best friend and roommate from college just stopped talking to me a year after we graduated. I still talked to her brother, but it was weird. I also watched one of my mom’s friends send her a letter essentially “breaking up with her.” It’s hard and it’s somewhat cruel, but like a couple of others have pointed out I think the thing to keep in mind is that it has more to do with them and their issues than with you. You and I don’t hang out a lot, but you’re pretty close to one of my good friends, and I know you have a lot of people who like you (myself included) so I have to draw the conclusion that this kid has some stuff going on. I know that doesn’t necessarily help and you’ve probably already deduced that, but it’ll get better.
In the meantime, this picture of the Justin Beiber of Alpaca’s might help: http://picplz.com/user/crimminims/pic/rj0hl/
I’m seriously determined to spread it as far across the internet as I can.