Two weeks ago, I had a panic attack. I’s never had one before, but I knew the tell tale signs of a crushing pain in my chest, in inability to breathe and a general “Holy fuck, I am dying” feeling. It really was quite delightful.
Of course, I asked Twitter what to do. Twitter told me what to do. Twitter has all the answers.
The past six months have been rough. I want to take the latter part of this year and curbstomp the hell out of it.
I have been sick, visiting more doctors than I would care to discuss. My mom has been sick causing my more worry than I would like to admit. My aunt committed suicide. Old family wounds were opened. Someone treated me really poorly…and I allowed it to continue for far too long. I was broken up with over email, stood up, and told I need to move (though the money I am receiving make that much easier to swallow).
And here is the thing that I am struggling with: I know it will pass. I am just not the type of woman to write down affirmations or construct a fucking gratitude list. The only thing I feel grateful for is I haven’t actually climbed a belltower and started picking people off at random.
Kidding, kidding. I am kidding. I know the government is watching. I would never ruin my clothes with bloodshed.
I am fine. I am. But I would like to take a moment, pray to my one true diety, Marc Jacobs, and ask that I catch a fucking break. Because, for real? I am struggling lately. And not in the funny, get ranty and frustrated way, but in the “collapse at the end of the day and find myself in disbelief that I made it though the day without screaming at a stranger or drinking a whole bottle of wine” way. And that kind of sucks because my life is pretty awesome and I want to be able to see the awesomeness. Right now? Not feeling the awesome. Soon, though. Soon.
In the meantime, if anyone has any Xanax, please pass it my way.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I applaud your shit list. I prefer them to gratitude lists anyway. This one proves you are getting more badass by the second.
(Will send Klonopin, if you accept substitutions.)
I don’t have a Xanax to offer, but I hope you get your break soon. It will pass, but I know it rarely helps to hear that.
I keep getting the same message from the universe. Well, three different people told me the same three words when I was talking about three different things that have been hard for me lately.
The advice?
“Lean into it.”
I’ve been thinking about that a lot. The harder it gets, I’m trying to lean into it. It feels sort of like a relief if that makes any sense.
I love this.
Those days?-those days are hard. They clean your clock physically and emotionally, leaving not much for the next day. And there is always a next day.
I hope that your Next Days gradually become easier and quieter and smoother.
Complain ALL you want. Let it out. I wish I had some Xanax to offer you, but alas I do not. Here’s to hoping that you have a heck of a lot better days to come and you can put all of this behind you.
forget the xanax and go with the zoloft. it’s amazing.
I’ll send you some xanax if you share some klonopin. But seriously? I think leaning into it sounds kind of hard to do, but being patient might be reasonable. Because when there is a rock bottom, when shit it real bad? The good part is that things can only go up. You are due for something good- keep you eyes open.
Just keep doing - no matter what shit is hitting the fan - at least one thing that makes you feel human - making your bed, flossing, something. Something that you do every day. It doesn’t sound like much but it will keep you tethered.
xo
sending you positive thoughts
Is it legal to just mail Xanax? I’m sure there’s some lying around in my family. I’m struggling to see the awesome in my life too. Here’s to finding the right pair of glasses to see through the fog. Or at the very least, not being taken into custody by the man.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going” - Winston Churchill. (Yes, it’s true - sometimes I turn to the greeting card aisle to find religion.) The only way out is to keep going, trudging through. You will come out stronger on the other side. In the meantime, you have a wonderful world of friends, a job you love, and Ron Swanson to help you keep perspective. Wishing you all the best.
So many of us have been in similar situations, enough for me to know that saying…well, anything, really, is going to be annoying or just no help at all. I know you’ll get through it, & I’ll be thinking of you.
i think my favorite thing about the internet is reading things like this and thinking, damn. i am not alone. it weirdly makes me feel less like a giant mutant freak to not be the only person feeling overwhelmed as fuck in the middle of an amazing life.
that being said: xanax is magic nectar from the gods, and if i find any, i will be happy to share. till then, i’ll send mutually-aimed thoughts to keep us both out of clock towers.
2011 has been a sucky year… true!!!! But you rock so you will get trough it and make 2012 the best year ever!!
Oh gosh - I had no idea things were going wrong in such numbers! I have no comforting platitudes that you don’t already know (it’ll pass, etc), but if it helps you’ve got the psychic support of me and all sorts of blogiverse folks.
I’m not sure I’ve ever used the words “psychic support.”
I have Percocet. Not quite Xanax but hey, we take what we can get.
This year will soon end. And then we can say to hell with it once and for all. Hang in there, lady.