Earlier today, I got stuck in an elevator at work. The kind of situation where I was ringing alarms and pounding the inside of the door and yelling for coworkers. The fire department was called and it was quite the topic of conversation in the office.
As I was standing there and waiting, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was a giddy and loopy church laugh that had my coworkers thinking I had cracked. I wasn’t all that nervous about getting out; the building was full of people and the the fire station was close. But I had to laugh at the Universe and it’s absolute dedication to telling me who is boss.
The past few weeks have been hard and I feel like I have failed in trying to express what I am going through. There has been some concern that I am spiraling or I am in a deep, dark funk or some such. And that isn’t the case at all.
I have decided to not share some of what is going on to respect the privacy of others. If I have learned one lesson from blogging for four years it is I need to draw boundaries. Boundaries are good. Boundaries are helpful. Boundaries preserve relationships. I support all of this. Call me Mary J. I want no drama.
But I think I missed the mark in conveying I really know it is going to be ok. I feel mentally stronger than I have in a long time. I am happy in my career and my choices and my friendships. I have sussed out a lot of dead weight in my life and I have found, in general, a really comfortable and cozy place in my head space and I am living there more and more often. I still take forays to the dark places because I am forever masochistic, but the emotional cutting is largely at bay.
But this is my life right now. Hard. Things right now are proving challenging and tiring and OHMYFUCKINGGODLEAVEMETHEHELLALONEDOCTORS. But is is really okay and I just wish that documenting my life and my inability to sugar coat the hard stuff didn’t cause so much concern for so many people. Sugar coating ain’t my bag, baby.
But laughing like a lunatic at the absurdity of things, I can do that. Well played, Universe.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m very glad you made it out of the elevator okay!
I would love to be stuck in an elevator right now. Shit is tough over here too and I could use the silence. This coming from a forever sugar coater.
This is a nice point in life to get to isn’t it?… where you can acknowledge that shit happens and still know that you’re enough to get through it. You know that you can roll with the punches and keep going.
I’m getting there, though I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with it… which is probably why I’m not there yet.
I like how you say that you don’t want drama, and yet you allude to problems in your life. Your vague allusions actually heighten the drama.
I have been nothing but vague about my life over the years. There has been very open conversation about my struggles with PCOS, men, and my weight. But, as I said above, a lot of this is not my story, therefor not mine to tell. I am sure you could imagine what it is like for strangers to send internet nastygrams about how you should live your life and the proper way to behave. I am used to it, but other people in my life haven’t signed up for such things. If protecting those I love makes my dramatic, please give me an Oscar.
I have engaged in MANY lengthy conversations with The Universe lately and demanded it back the fuck off my life for a little while. Next time we chat, I’ll tell ‘er to back of your life for awhile, too, okay?
Stay strong, my friend. Strong, brave, and true.
I’m glad you made it out of the elevator, and thank you for live-tweeting the goings on yesterday!
Brava for boundaries!
I’ve been blogging for years, but only really gotten “serious” about it in the last year and a half. I feel like I’m learning a lot about boundaries from reading some more experienced bloggers. I agree with Lydia’s comment about the vagueness adding an aspect of drama to it, but I don’t think that it’s making it more dramatic. For me it’s more that it makes me wonder for a moment what kinds of things are going on. Then I remember your mention of it being other people’s stories and I respect that.
But still, I wonder. And maybe hope that one day you can share it.
I’ve been stuck in two elevators in my life. Both at college. It wasn’t that bad on the first one, but I was stuck with someone who was claustrophobic in the second one and he almost killed all of us in the elevator. He panicked and lost it big time. We really had to man-handle him until help came.
Trapped in an elevator without descending into madness?
You’re a steely one, Lemmonex!
How truly absurd! I’m a firm believer of not sugar coating if it doesn’t feel authentic. But, if the need to set boundaries and preserve relationships mandate sugar coating, pass me some syrup! xoxo