I was consoling a heart broken friend recently. They were reeling from a recent break up, feeling raw and exposed.
And in my mind, I felt relief. Well, I don’t know if relief is the right word, but I was feeling grateful. Grateful that I haven’t felt this way in a really long time, that it has been ages since a man has split my heart in two.
But there is some sadness to that as well. I haven’t felt that way in a really long time. I have dated good men, boring men, interesting men, milquetoast men, and men that aren’t really even worth noting, but it has been years, YEARS, since I wanted to throw myself in someone’s arms.
I want to feel churning in my stomach. I want to jump ten feet when I receive a text. And I want that jumping to be because I just cannot wait to hear from him, not because I am relieved I am not being blown off. When you are single and have been for a while, it becomes more a game of odds and a series of phase outs. I do it, too; I am not without blame.
Butterflies. The elusive butterflies. I want to have them, I want to be reminded what those flutters feel like.
But for now, their absence keeps me safe.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
so I had to look up the definition of milquetoast.
Sigh.
Know exactly what you mean about wanting the butterflies and wanting to be thrilled to get a message b/c you just really want to see that person.
Olga @ MangoTomato´s last blog ..Joe Yonans recipe for Pistachio Butter Cookies
I love that you posted this. I have used “butterflies” as my bar for whether I really like someone for a long time - to the point that my friends from college just ask, “Butterflies?” when I talk about a new guy. It’s a wonderful feeling, but it does make you vulnerable. A wary ledge to be on.
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I love the butterflies, but they really do scare me. The vulnerability is by far the most frightening thing about being in a relationship. I also worry about what it does to my motivation levels.
Vie´s last blog ..What you don’t understand
You will, you will.
It’s such a balance between safety and excitement, isn’t it?
lemon gloria´s last blog ..When you sleep- where do your fingers go
Oh, man. How many times can I say “I SO HEAR YOU” in your comments section before you start deleting me? Seriously. I wonder. Because I SO HEAR YOU.
Hannah´s last blog ..“There are few things more liberating…
I want to jump ten feet when I receive a text. And I want that jumping to be because I just cannot wait to hear from him, not because I am relieved I am not being blown off.
JESUS CHRIST, YES.
yes.
I can see how butterflies might not be worth the risk sometimes.
But butterflies that last…
They’re the rarest of the rare. Like left-handed unicorns.
You gotta risk your heart for those.
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