At this time last year I was not in a good place.
I will spare you the details but I was in an epically self-punishing spiral, caught in a cycle of masochism and reckless behavior that makes me cringe to this day. Honestly, it was pretty spectacular. I was hell bent on destroying myself.
The other day I was marveling at how far I have come in a year, reaching behind me and giving myself a hearty slap on the back. For shits and giggles, I decided to go through my email and read some choice excerpts from May and June of last year. I was struck by two things: 1) God, was I hurting. I didn’t imagine it and I have not added some sort of dramatic sentimentalism to the whole ordeal. I was a hot mess, a mess that could scorch the sun. 2) Even though I was in it in a bad way, I still remained me. I remember feeling like I was scraping by, barely a shadow of my actual self. Yet, looking back, those emails and chats were real and authentic and I will be damned if some of them were just not hysterically funny. It is somewhat shocking-and completely reassuring-that even in the surge of the storm I held on to myself even when I felt like I was being washed away.
So, a year later and things are better, incredibly better. I know I owe a huge debt to certain people in my life who served as tethers. The recipients of those emails and calls deserve some sort of award for showing me compassion while still speaking the truth and doing their damndest to smack me out of it. I can’t help but take some solace in the fact that it was me, at the end of the day, who pulled myself out. When you is all you have it is important not to fail yourself…and I didn’t.
So, almost a year ago I made some banana muffins and here we are again…same old me doing the same thing. These were good, most definitely, but not great. I wish they would have been more moist, but others found the substantial crumb satisfying. I ate these dry and definitely think they would have been well served with some jam. They were good, though…very good. I just am rarely completely satisfied with muffins, so that is my own issue.
But hey…that’s just me.
Banana Corn Muffins
from Cooks.com
1 c. all purpose flour
3/4 c. corn meal
1/4 c. sugar
1 tbsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 egg, slightly beaten
1/2 c. milk
1/3 c. vegetable oil
3/4 c. (about 2) mashed bananas
Combine dry ingredients in small pitcher. In a mixing bowl, combine egg, milk, oil and banana; add to dry ingredients. Mix only until moistened. Pour into 12 paper lined or greased muffin cups (3/4 full). Bake at 425 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes until golden brown. Makes 1 dozen muffins, 170 calories each.
Well at least you just have emails to remember the bad times with…
I was watching this thing on MTV about steve-o the other day. Did you catch that? It was all about his downward spiral into drugs…WOW… he always had a video camera on him- taping his whole ordeal the whole time.
and it was ugly.
I think the emails really serve a purpose, to be honest.
And no, did not see that, though I heard it was really powerful.
Old e-mails and old diaries can be inspiring, terrifying or both. Sometimes it’s amazing to read some of the stuff from those dark places and think “how did I survive that?!”
Oh, it was a bit horrifying too…don’t get me wrong.
Months ago I found this journal I scribbled in during high school. From I could tell through my bad handwriting, I was a mess, yet somehow kept my composure during school. And this is before the real shit happened in college. Keeping busy helped me through that time. It’s good to to reflect how much better one is now compared to days gone by.
It seems a bit self congratulatory, but I really did hold up ok. I mean, I was a mess, but a composed one.
those muffins were damn tasty. in hindsight, i probably would’ve slathered ‘em in butter..yanno..if I wasn’t driving a stick shift
also?
last year in january I had a reflective post similar to this one because a year prior to it was when the shit hit the fan w/Cris and co.
hooo boy was that fucking ridiculous. and i think that DMB was splendidly amazing because she not only listened to me then, but for the 10 years leading up to it.
it’s sad it took me so fucking long to get my head out of my ass.
You have to be ready, yanno? Sometimes it takes a while, but you come around eventually. Glad you have.
I have a lot of old writings saved. Every once in a while I’ll pull them out and sift through. And I think the biggest thing I would’ve wanted to know then is that the push for perfection was a false initiative that would weigh so heavily on me. We’re allowed to be flawed. We’re supposed to be. We’re more interesting that way.
It is a hard thing to accept though…I am a bit of a malcontent. I think it drives me to improve but sometimes haunts me.
This is especially interesting to me, considering I met you, my soul mate, about a year ago.
It’s been a helluva ride, lady… here’s to many more.
For real. You got to see me at such a special time! Thanks for still liking me despite it.
Girlie, you’re amazing. Walking through shit and coming out on top makes you a hero in my life. Seriously. I think you’re well on your way to health and wholeness. You’ve helped me more than you know.
And you all-and you specifcally00 help me, so I like to think it all works out. Thanks, Kate.
I keep so many of those old emails, too - to see how far I’ve come, and how far I have left to go.
Sometimes I wonder if it would help to delete them, but I’m not ready to find out.
I am not a huge fan of erasing that stuff…it is an archive I want to hold on to.
“I never look back darling. It detracts from the now.”
- Edna Mode, The Incredibles (2004)
The Incredibles? You surprise me sometimes, DF. That being said…it sometimes is ok to take a peek back, don’t you think?
Last year was not a good year for anybody, I’ve determined.
2008 can sleep with the fishes.
No, you should definitely hang on that stuff. Your memories can sometimes be too kind, but print is literally and figuratively black and white.
I’m proud of your progress, and glad you are as well.
Thanks…it is helpful to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Hi,
I just started reading your blog. You remind me so SO much of myself, your honesty about food issues and feeling screwed up in general is something I’ve not been able to achieve. E-mail me if you get a chance I’d love to discuss this stuff.
K
Hey K, welcome. Thanks for the nice words…feel free to email me at culinarycouture at gmail dot com.
Happy you’re happier Drew Barrymore!!! I “met” you last year, you didn’t give off one iota of being unhappy though, or not being in a good place. Regardless, you are a lot of fun and your food porn is to die for!
Hooray! I seemed functional. Thank God. You are fun too, btw.
I feel like I’ve been through a similar realization lately and the best chronicle of my “self” has been my blog. As navel gazing and self indulgent as it can be, blogging is very cathartic. Congrats to you on the change up. Also — what’s the deal with corn meal. Everything I make with it is dry.
It can be cathartic and really reaffirming when people have been through the same thing. As far as cornmeal goes..I have not the slightest idea. It hates us.
I love banana muffins. I love corn muffins. But I never would have thought to put the two together…but hey…why not?
Recently I went back through my early blog posts, and I know exactly what you’re talking about. Survival is definitely worth celebrating.
It most certainly is.
I’ve been reading your blog since late 2007. And I found it when I was going through my own tumultuous pile of shit—trying to leave DC, trying to leave a bad relationship, trying and seemingly always failing. I loved reading your posts because what you said resonated in me, plain and simple. And although I’ve never “met” you, a small part of me still feels such a strong connection to what you write, confess, and share here.
Case in point: “When you is all you have it is important not to fail yourself…and I didn’t.” Oh so true, lady. Oh so true.
It really means so much to me that I have forged these connections from what I write. Thank you so much for reading and relating.
The Incredibles? You surprise me sometimes, DF. That being said…it sometimes is ok to take a peek back, don’t you think?
First, Edna Mode’s wisdom is not to be overlooked. Second, nothing wrong with taking a peek as long as you cull something of value in the exercise.
I am not overlooking it..and I think there was definitely something of value to gain.
When life hands you lemons, make some kick-ass banana corn muffins.
That is the lesson I will take away from this post.
It totally is!
I first met you almost exactly a year ago. I’ve been lucky enough to see you turn into a better and better version of yourself…thanks for bringing me, and the rest of the blogverse, along for the ride.
Oh that almost made me well up. I am glad people can see I am doing better as well.
Well, if I can’t make you cringe, I can definitely make you cry!
Ha, yes you can.
I don’t read old e-mails but I do sometimes read old blog posts. My blog originally started as an open diary, boring and uneventful, but as I became more open with my open diary- I wonder how what I write today will look five years from now.
I took a stroll at a past post this morning while writing a new one didn’t all those feelings just rush back to you as you recall the moment you first typed them out?
Good or bad that’s why I blog- so I can remember.
Right-and sometimes you need a reminder.
I started reading your blog last week- for the food and the cooking and the funny quips. I have to say that I really admire your honesty and your ability to put yourself out there- vulnerable or not. Today’s post really struck a chord with me. I was in a similar bad place this time a year ago and I still feel like I’m not totally recovered from it- like I’ve lost a little bit of myself. Today was a rough day and it felt like a setback and I just want you to know that reading this helped remind me to focus on how far I’ve come. Thanks.
Sara, welcome and thanks so much. Sometimes it is hard being so honest, but really, I don’t really know how else to do it. I am glad this could help, even a little bit.
Babygirl-We too bonded during the rough times in our lives and I feel like I know you so much better for it. And I love you. Honestly…I have some of those gchats in my head RIGHT NOW and needless to say…they made me smile and laugh as well.
I just hope soon I can get where you are-in a better place for myself.
I shall use you, Cheryl Cole, and those muffins as my beacons of light.
xoxo
I have reached Cheryl Cole levels…now THAT is flattering. Thanks, babe.
Tetherball is an awesome game. I stand by this.
Well, unless you take a call to the face…ahem.
i feel so lucky to have gotten to know the you that i know and love over these past several months.
if only we could spoon right now.
I would hold you SO tight…so so tight.
I held on to the emails and the chats from my most painful time for 3 years.
Because for 3 years, I didn’t see my strength and I couldn’t let go of the pain.
I finally let go…and deleted everything so I wouldn’t keep going back and reliving it.
I’m glad to know you and I would’ve gladly been on the other end of those emails and calls if I knew you back then.
Thank you very much…so kind.
Also, interestingly enough, I rarely go back and read them…just recently I had the hankering.
I just read that Obama and Biden dined at Hell Burger today.
I did too…insanity.
i’m on board the “2008 can suck my twat” train. my worst bit was march 08… and while i feel like i’m completely past it now, i don’t really like going back to the emails because it still manages to bring me down. i mean, on the one hand it’s nice to read them and know i’m out of that situation, but it hurts me (now) to see me in so much pain (then). i like the edna wisdom
The edna wisdom was sage…and thank goodness we have all left 2008 in the dust.
I went back because I just couldn’t figure it out what I did wrong…if I did anything wrong. I couldn’t make sense of the things that happened.
But then I did…and I was strong enough to see the truth, so I erased them to avoid going back to that hole whenever my insecurities kick in.
And sometimes, shit just doesn’t make sense. There isn’t always an explanation.