My cousin SuperBoy is 22 years younger than me. Being so much older makes me more like an aunt than a cousin to him…a wayward, indulgent aunt who caters to his every whim. He isn’t my kid so I don’t have to suffer to consequences of him staying up late or eating an extra cookie…it is my job to be awesome cousin Lem and it is a job I take seriously. So what if playing with knives is a bad idea? He said please.
A few days before Christmas I headed over to SuperBoy and AuntLifeSaver’s house for our annual gift exchange. While his mom was on the phone, SuperBoy and I began roughhousing. I may look like a dainty flower, but I can throw down with the best of them. My brother would beat me mercilessly when we were kids and I don’t think anyone ever loses the fight that’s been instilled in them. Of course, SuperBoy weighs about 50 pounds, so I was very careful to not hurt him. As he stood on the arm of the couch and lept into my arms, I did my best to cushion every landing.
Tried? Did my best? You know this isn’t going to end well.
I knocked his tooth out.
Look, it was loose. Maybe it wasn’t quite ready to come out, but I think the tooth was nervous to leave the safe confines of his mouth. I nudged it out of his gums like a mama bird pushes her baby out of its nest. Plus, SuperBoy kicked me in the face and kneed me in the crotch several times. He had it coming.
As a testament to his encompassing awesomeness, SuperBoy could not contain his glee about the whole situation. He ran to the mirror and yelled:
I look like Alex Ovechkin!
If knocking the kid’s tooth out makes him that happy, I cannot wait to see the look on his face ten years from now when I buy him porn. Oh, little man, I hold the keys to your kingdom.
Three weeks later and the boy still doesn’t have even a smidge of new tooth poking through. All the photos from the holiday serve as a reminder of our holiday reenactment of The Wrestler. Of course, he is a rock star and he ate the hell out of some pizza with me on my birthday. I would totally be slurping some soup, but I am not a 6-year-old boy. I don’t know if this bowl of soup would get that new tooth a moving, but it certainly is something marvelous. It is super healthy-lots of protein and fiber-and tastes fantastic. The cumin makes a bit smoky and it is a bit spicy without being overpowering thanks to the jalapeno and the chili powder. it is comforting and flavorful and you don’t even have to feel bad about it. I threw it together and could not have been happier with the results; I had this every day for a week for lunch and didn’t tire of it. I used light chips on top, but baked or regular chips would work just as well.
So enjoy. If you don’t like this, don’t complain to me. You might be looking for some dental work.
Tortilla Soup
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 medium red onion, chopped
1 medium jalapeno, veined, deseeded and diced
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1 quart chicken stock
2 teaspoons cumin
Shake of chili powder (or to taste-can be omitted)
1 15oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 large chicken breast, poached and shredded
1 can diced tomatoes (do not drain)
1/2 cup frozen corn
Salt and pepper to taste
Topping: crumbled tortillas
Heat oil in large stock pot over medium heat. Add garlic, onions, jalapeno, oregano and a pinch of salt to pot and sautee for about 5 minutes to soften vegetables. Add remaining ingredient and cook for about 30 minutes to heat through. The longer it sits the better. Serve with tortilla chips. Also great with cheese, avocados, sour cream…etc.
While you have a cousin that’s more like a nephew, I have a nephew that’s more like a cousin — less than years younger than me, and 2 years older than my baby brother…
Oh, wow. Crazy. Have you ever knocked his tooth out?
I used to fight with my brother, too, except, I used to be bigger than him and able to beat him up. Now he’s 6′3″, all muscle, and he throws me over his shoulder, just to prove he can.
Damn growth spurts.
Yeah, “little brother” was only 11 months younger and captain of the football team. We hit each other way past when we should have.
oh yum I love that soup — thanks for posting
Of course.
from reading this and posts by Arjewtino, i’m convinced that local child protection agencies will be issuing orders to keep you both away from places children assemble.
that said, criminal: maybe. hilarious: uh, yeah. so good work.
There are ordinances against us in 28 counties across the country.
I cannot wait to see the look on his face ten years from now when I buy him porn.
That’s totally my plan… I’m going to be the COOLEST AUNT EVER.
AKA, not push anything through my cooch. Hopefully. Yay!
I feel it is my duty to give him realistic expectations of women’s bodies and sex. Porn definitely does that.
If knocking the kid’s tooth out makes him that happy, I cannot wait to see the look on his face ten years from now when I buy him porn.
This sentence may necessitate me explaining to my coworkers what the hell is so hilarious. Could take a while.
I am sorry to create an uncomfortable situation for you.
While your status as Cool Cousin Lemm is rather well established and will move into the stratosphere in ten years, I love Super Boy’s response. No whining, no crying (even if there was would CC Lemm dime him out, I think not) just finding the glowingly bright side of looking like his hockey hero.
And I love tortilla soup, and this recipe is definitely better than my version: ummm, what’s left in the kitchen? sure this works.
I would not dime him out, but there was no crying. He is a bad ass and he knows I do not not take well to whiny men, even if they are only 6.
What was that, little niece? You’d like some coffee?
What the heck. Go for it.
Not your problem, right?
So you like it rough is what you’re trying to say.
THIS IS MY COUSIN!!! Is nothing sacred?
Toothful grin be damn’d.
Even tots unsafe from wrath.
Lemmy’s a killa.
A cold blooded one in fact.
You have got to be the most awesome aunt ever ever ever.
I do my best. He is one loved little boy by a lot of people, so it is a tough contest.
I SO can’t wait until my brother and his wife have their baby. I’ve been plotting for this for some damn time. Way to go Lem!
I am just glad the kid can take a punch like a man…you will be a super fun aunt.
“If knocking the kid’s tooth out makes him that happy, I cannot wait to see the look on his face ten years from now when I buy him porn. Oh, little man, I hold the keys to your kingdom.”
And this is why you are the shit. I guess I’ll just have to settle for getting wasted with you…
I can buy you porn if you are too nervous…
I am sorry to create an uncomfortable situation for you.
Hey, it’s got nothing on having soup with tortilla hips…
Hey, it is GOOD.
And, er, thanks for pointing out the typo.
hell, if yr gonna look like a toothless anyone, ovechkin is where its at!
He is a smart kid. He knows where it is at.
Hahahaha
This kid is going to be Prom King. I can tell.
Oh, he is the cuteness. He will be.
The best thing a cousin can ever do is knock out a tooth and or inflict stitches, hook you up with good porn, and buy you your first beer.
You are well on the road to being the best cousin ever! Good job.
It is a tough job but someone has to do it.
i mean, you just helped things along, that’s all. good aunt you.
ps i love tortilla soup like mad.
I am a giver.
Mmmm perfect thing for dinner tonight, thanks for posting. (And happy belated birthday. )
Thanks Erin.
“If knocking the kid’s tooth out makes him that happy, I cannot wait to see the look on his face ten years from now when I buy him porn. Oh, little man, I hold the keys to your kingdom.”
Best line I’ve read all day. I think I snorted pudding through my nose.
You got some on your shirt, dear.
You remind me of my aunt, who bought me a KISS album when I was 6.
Of course, she was jailed several years later, but she sure was a lot of fun.
Have I not mentioned my time in the clink yet?
You know, Lem, you keep up with the delicious chicken based recipes, and you and I are going to have to talk.
Seriously, though, it’s not a good wrestling match with a kid unless somebody cries or bleeds.
Which with my boys, is usually me.
Ha! yeah, there was some blood…on the couch. Whoops.
i swear i don’t normally get sick this much, but i have my third cold of the winter. from the picture it looks like that soup would do the trick.
It perfect-nice and warm and healthy. Plus the slight kick open the head up.
@f.B: what do you mean “will be”?
Shhh….
My nephew is six and we play crazy wrestling games, but I haven’t injured him…yet.
I did threaten to pull his teeth out with plyers though- does that count?
It does. My father pulled my baby teeth out with pliers…I thought it was cool.
I don’t like the soup and I’m complaining to you! And I already owe my dentist so much I need my own bailout plan. So bring it.
The toothless look can be hot on men.
You knocked his tooth out?!?! I don’t feel bad anymore for whacking my niece in the face when I was playing Wii with her .
A face whack is child’s play.
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