Prologue: I hate to do this because I think it is my prerogative to be a bit of a cunt sometimes if I feel like it, but I assure you, this is not about you. Yes, you. Really. Not about you. And hey, maybe this isn’t the most flattering picture of me, but seriously, I will buy you a beer if you email me and tell me you have never once done a double take at the partnering of a friend…or thought a nasty thought. Maybe I am judgmental, but hopefully I can work through that in therapy.
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I met a friend for dinner the other night and we got on the topic of another of our friends who has fallen off the map. It is a pretty common tale; he met a girl and we have been left in the dust.
Now, I get it. I am old enough to understand and accept that things change when someone is in a relationship. Hell, they should within reason. Priorities shift, love is grand and all this. This is in not that kind of bitter rant.
But this girl, Christ almighty. Over the past year I have referred to her as “Cream of Wheat”, “Khaki”, “Missionary”, and “WhatsHersFace”. Being around this girl is a fate crueler than watching paint dry, a slow and painful torture of boredom. I would much rather this girl be a bitch or a nutter than the reality. She bores us all to tears and frankly, I think less of my friend for being with her.
This is not to say I think I am the world’s most interesting person. As much as we all want to think we are smart and funny and charming, no one is all that special. But this girl? I can scarcely be around her, which actually works out okay since my friend has all but dissapeared since meeting this wet blanket; I actually don’t have to see her that often.
There is a part of me, the charitable part that wants my friend to be happy, that hopes I am totally wrong. Perhaps this woman is some sort of comic genius or can pontificate for hours about sustainable energy when I am not around. I hope, for his case and the case of humanity, that this is the situation. I mean sometimes things appear to be really vanilla, but they surprise you.
Take this chicken dish. I added a few tweaks to my friend MakeOut Bandit’s lemon chicken and it turned out shockingly well. This is just an amalgam of leftovers and things I had kicking around in the fridge and I could not be happier with how this turned out. Now, it doesn’t look the prettiest (the brown rice and yellow bowl surely don’t help either) but it was really good. The sauce is thickened by the cornstarch and it is highly reminiscent of Chinese lemon chicken, but way healthier. The vinegar adds a nice contrast to the curd and the green onions are a lovely compliment to the whole dish. Oh, and it is easy…I threw it together in less than 15 minutes. Really, you cannot go wrong here.
Here is to hoping my friend’s girlfriend has some hidden surprises as well.
Lemon Chicken
Adapted from my friend Makeout Bandit
Pam/Cooking spray
1 packet chicken tenders, cubed
Salt and pepper
2 green onions, chopped (if you have chives on hand, you could sub those in)
1 cup lemon curd
2 TBS white wine vinegar
1/4 cup chicken broth
1/2 tsp corn starch
Preheat large skillet over medium heat. Spray pan. Salt and pepper cubed chicken and add to skillet. Cook chicken for about 8 minutes and then add green onions. Cook for an additional 2 minutes. Mix together vinegar, curd, broth and cornstarch. Add to pan and cook for about 2 minutes (sauce will thicken). Serve over brown rice.
Some people do surprise you…but sometimes, all you see is all you get.
Maybe she’s wild in the sack. Naw, really — is she a “wet blanket” in the sense that she truly brings everyone down and makes people uncomfortable? Or is she just shy and deferring to a group of friends that is already really comfortable with one another? Boring is, well, boring, but as long as she is not a bad or negative person, then there’s really no harm if she makes your friend happy.
Lemon curd - that is an interesting twist!
After the cosmic wonderfulness of you, anything else is going to seem bland so maybe he just doesn’t notice. It just seems normal. Chicken looks good. And am glad there was no typo with the lemon curd.
These tragedies are frequent, yet unavoidable.
There are a LOT of fucking boring people in this world.
You know that a girl’s personality is a distant second or
not even on the radarthird priority relative to what really matters, her looks. Now I’ve never trusted any woman to describe acompetitor’sanother girl’s beauty accurately but if she doesn’t have that going for her then it’s your solemn duty to call him out on it.So are you saying lemon curd and corn starch will make this girl a bright personality?
I dated a woman of this kind before. No personality, no outside life and had dining tastes for limited restaurants. I don’t think that’s you or most women out there. I was just lucky I guess.
PQ: Sadly, this is correct.
CH: She is lame. She contributes nothing even when we try to get her to participate. She often has a completely blank look in her eyes.
jman: That is the thing…I really don’t think I am all that amazing, but at least I have a discearnable personality.
Lilu: The VanillaFaces are taking over the world.
DF: Now, you are just trying to make me be catty. I see right through you. And while I fully admit looks do matter, personality does help.
BMT: Yes, you were jut, um, lucky. Sorry pal.
Boring for me is no creativity. If you don’t make, give or do anything, all your “great bar stories” are gonna be bland rehashes of borrowed Office Space jokes from work. And that’s the best case scenario.
I’m pretty boring. I think people look at me and figure I’m some kind of freaky, blood and chains goth in the sack, but in reality I won’t even take it in the ass.
*shrugs*
I yam what I yam.
Hm…”Cream of Wheat” and “Khaki” - I’m gonna have to remember those. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I’m often shy, myself, around new people, but you make a very strong case against that. Fingers crossed that he’ll smarten up.
I’ve been on a real plain chicken bender lately. Maybe it’s some purification toward Spring’s renewal, or maybe it’s just chicken. As for your friend, being in a relationship doesn’t D-U-M you down. She brought that to the table herself. Which makes you wonder how the relationship will survive if she does continue to lie there passively, instead of saying “What do you think about rope?”
No, no, no. You’re very wrong. I’m special, my mom told me that all time.
mmmm lemon curd.
she must be really good in bed or something. how else could a fun-sucker keep him around??
DF: Now, you are just trying to make me be catty. I see right through you.
You didn’t need my help for that.
And while I fully admit looks do matter, personality does help.
Lets put this puppy to bed, so what does she look like?
fB: That truly is the best case.
RV: I don’t even mean in bed, I mean in life.
Liebchen: Believe me, you make 10 times the impression than this girl does.
Cube: Welcome. I am gonna go out on a limb here and say she would never suggest the rope.
apoloo. Well, of course YOU are special. Duh.
Cavy: I know about their sex life and will not comment.
DF: Now, see, I love other friend’s wives/gfs. It really is her. And to quote a male friend: she has the dead eyes. I would say she is an 6.5.
I’m pretty sure that “missionary” is the best nickname I have ever heard.
Zero tolerance
For those less witty or droll.
Is this Lem’s M.O.?
The weird thing is that it’s almost impossible to fully know what another person - even a really close friend - needs in a relationship. The most surprising people fill the randomest (sometimes unhealthy) needs. And you are left with wtf? and why why why?
ha, “missionary.” right up there with only liking it with the lights off. YAWN.
but this chicken looks super yummy. i like the yellow bowl!
Lemon curd. You’ve used this phenomenon before. What section of the grocery is it even in?
i’d rather hang out with complete assholes than people devoid of personality. that is the ultimate worst- i can actually feel my mind floating high above my body when i’m talking to them.
DF: Now, see, I love other friend’s wives/gfs. It really is her. And to quote a male friend: she has the dead eyes. I would say she is an 6.5.
Understood. Feel free to taunt your friend mercilessly for his disloyalty.
You are so jealous of him!
Seriously, I know the type, and I have wondered to myself in those situations if the person is really that bland, or wrong, or evil, or whatever. Or if I’m just bitter about losing a friend.
I’ve concluded that I can be objective because I really like some of my friends BF/GFs. The good ones want to be friends with their SO’s friends. The bad ones want to isolate them from same, and it’s almost always because they are insecure in their relationship, or they just can’t hang. Sucks to them.
Matt: feel free to use it as you wish.
SD: I am not the only one who feels this way so it is not a holier than thou sort of deal.
brookem: phew, glad someone likes that boel.
k8: it is near the jelly.
fine: exactly. Bored to freaking tears.
DF: The taunting will commence.
Jamie: I assure you I am not jealous and like you, I know I am objective.
Doesn’t trashing some girl you barely know on the internet because she doesn’t fit your personality standards seem a bit bitter to you? Maybe your attitude is the reason your friend has fallen off the face of the earth.
George, we have already had this discussion as you often remind me what a nasty girl I am. I am a total cunt. A bitter, angry cunt who gave no identifying information about this girl away. We have been through this before but I will say it again: this is my space to express my feelings as I wish. DO NOT READ. I am not holding a gun to your head. Now unless you have something of worth to say, please move along.
Mm, lemon curd! Never tried it like this, but it is a lot like a chicken thing I did recently with lemon chutney. Holy stromboli, was that a pleasant experiment.
“Missionary” totally cracks me up! Keeping that one. To add to things said already: Personality matters mightily. You can’t put a bag over a brain.
If not ropes, may I suggest cloth belts? The wide, 80’s style ones taper at the ends for easy tying, and they don’t cut or chafe.
And if not that… well, “boring” is no virtue. Give ‘im hell, Truman-style.
Cloth belts! Always thinking! Thanks John.
I happen to think that both vanilla and the missionary can be anything but boring…when done correctly.
But khaki…hmmm. There’s no making that better.
Fearless, sometimes, when done right, it can be lovely. You are correct.
Ah boring people. Maybe you should try saying something outrageous just to get a rise out of them. Could be fun.;)
Hey, why not?
Hey, I live to serve! ;^D
Maybe you should try saying something outrageous just to get a rise out of them.
I have a friend for whom this is a conscious, overt hobby. He also can talk his way into getting about anything for free (or nearly). Strange lad, but always entertaining.
Before I forget again: a full cup of lemon curd? That seems like a huge amount, but maybe I’m not getting it. Or maybe, hey, I just need to give it a go.
You are a giver. And for a whole pack of tenders that isn’t too bad….
Oooo, this kind of reminds me of that “Sex and the City” episode when Big bitches about everything in his life being “beige,” thanks to his new lady. I’ve never really understood the vanillas (or beiges) of the world. How can you resist all the color out there?!
Exactly! I want bright red.
I just assume people like that must be incredible in the sack. That can be the only reason.
A safe assumption.
You know, I’ve always been an objective commenter and reader; I even try making your recipes sometimes as I love to cook myself. My comment today was perhaps “off color” in your opinion, but only because I was really turned off by what I read. If you think that embodies what your blog is all about, then the decision to stop reading it will be the least consequential thing I do today.
It is ok to be turned off and I think that would have been a much more valid way to voice your opinion. Look, this blog is all of me. The sentimental parts, the funny parts, the serious parts, and yes, even the sometimes bitchy parts. While I do hold back some pieces of me, keep only certain things for certain people, I made a decision a long time ago to be my true self here, warts and all. If you want to read the blogs of people who paint themselves as perfect and lacking in flaws, there are plenty out there. I can merely assure you that those people are not as cool and virtuous as they seem.
Hey, you can be all of whoever you want on this blog; it doesn’t have anything to do with me. And I’m certainly not a fan of forced virtue; clearly I like to plays devil’s advocate at times. But as long as I’m welcome, I’m going to be all of me too. And I call out shit when I see it, on friends and non-friends alike.
I hope we can play by the same rules, but as it is your blog, I can believe you wouldn’t be cool with that.
Fair enough to call me out-I admit it isn’t pretty-but please don’t pretend to “know” me and make assumptions about my relationships.
Truce. :::shaking hand:::
That you referred to yourself as a cunt is precisely the reason why I love you so.
As long as I’m not the gal you are referring to - in which case, I’d probably have to smack a cunt.
Hey, sometimes I am just that…
Yo G - Guess what you get when you read a smack-talking blog? Smack-talking. Why waste your time criticizing something which has no weight or consequences? At the very least you could try to make your criticism funny or sarcastic so the rest of us got something out of the 10 seconds we wasted reading it.
By the way, have you ever read Wonkette? Ooohhh they are soo mean, and they mock and taunt REAL people! I bet they could use a dignity cop there.
Is this a smack talking blog? Day-um! But your wonkette totally cracked me up….
Very interesting thought. Your friend may be seeing something interested in her, maybe not boring to him, who knows.
Welcome PorkStar. You are right. I am hopeful he does.
So glad K8 asked where to find the lemon curd, but now I must ask - what is it? Does it actually have to do with lemons or is it like buffalo wings?
Maybe I’m naive, but it’s just too depressing to think that there are people out there who aren’t interesting AT ALL. Is she vapid or shy or taking too much Xanax or in need of therapy?… There’s gotta be SOMETHING!
If not, I’d definitely question what’s up with your friend. Even great sex needs the spice of a personality after a while.
Lemon curd is basically a lemon spread made with jelly and sugar…thing the filling of lemon pies.
And we have all tried to ask in tactful ways what he is getting from her.
There have been many times I haven’t really understood why my friends date the people they date. Then again, they could probably say the same about me (…and they have. Many, many times. Lordy.)
I don’t think we’re required to like everybody in the world, but I do think we’re required to be civil.
As long as you’re nice to this woman, and don’t exclude her in group gatherings, you’re entitled to your opinion of her.
I am civil, of course. MamaBear raised me right.
It is my experience that girls like this usually do it in the butt. Like all the time. You know to make up for being a complete waste of space.
Not that I judge people who like it in the butt, on the contrary. I just think that women like this have to have that as an incentive for continual boredom in their presence.
Sarah, i love, LOVE that this is your first time commenting and you are talking about taking it up the butt. You will do ok here.
It’s not my first time baby. It’s just that I used to link my blog. You know me as Slightly Disorganized.
Oh! I thought for a second you might be…shoulda known.
Also, whenever someone that we ( my friends & I) know marries a woman like this, or we find out that somebody we think of as heinous has hooked a husband, that is what we blame it on.
Me: John Smooter got married to that vanilla girl.
My friend: Ah, it’s cause she does it in the butt.
I would get along with your friends.
“Cream of Wheat”, “Khaki”, “Missionary”, and “WhatsHersFace”
haha, i can picture her already.
I am sure it is an accurate picture.
Maybe she just likes it up the butt or something…
You never know.
This seems to be the consensus.
It’s hard to see our friends end up with someone that we don’t like — or, even worse, someone who has absolutely no personality. Arrrggghhh….
Painful indeed.
Well, unlike humans, you can add some minced parsley to this dish to give it some color.