…in Paradise « Culinary Couture

…in Paradise

March 5, 2009 by Lemmonex

I once said, in all seriousness, that I could never date someone who didn’t own a television. “What would we talk about?”, I asked.

As I have grown older I have come to recognize that was a narrow minded and limiting statement. I would like to amend it: I could never date someone who didn’t own a TV or love burgers.

With that in mind, here is some burger love to carry you in to the weekend. I am taking tomorrow off; so many burgers, so little time.

The Only Threeway You Will Find Me Partaking In

1. Behold the McGangBang: the most repulsively beautiful creature these brown eyes have ever seen. At 3 am, many thoughts have crossed my mind. What was that last thing I drank? Who is this guy? Should I order a Double Cheeseburger or a McChicken sandwich? When you figure out the first two questions, please give me a call, but I do have an answer to the last question. A girl really can have it all.

2. If you have been to Matchbox, you know what the 3-6-9 on the menu means; it is the number of miniburgers you can get in an order. Those suckers are juicy, flavorful, and topped with some of the best pickles I have ever had. The fantastically salty and thin parmesan onion straws that accompany these little treats are just icing on the cake. Since tomorrow is 3-6-09, stop by the restaurant and pay that dollar amount for your order depending on the number of burgers…$3/$6/$9. Yes, you read that right…it is a dollar per burger. Get your butt there; I know I will be… (Thanks to Amanda at Metrocurean for the tip off.)

3. Most importantly, I leave for Atlanta next Friday to visit my dear bettyjoan. I will be packing my running shoes as the plan is to eat all weekend. Well, eat and hold bettyjoan…perhaps even stroke her hair. I have one main item on my agenda for the weekend: I must go to Vortex and sample the double bypass burger. For those of you who don’t know or care about silly things such as your “health” the double bypass is made with two fried eggs, four slices of American cheese, and five slices of bacon, with two grilled cheese sandwiches replacing the buns. My questions are many: How much of this burger can I actually eat? Will this even taste good? Will I even be able to find room for the tots that accompany this? What kind of beer should accompany this delicacy?

Posted in Jackassery | 44 Comments

44 Responses to “…in Paradise”

on March 5, 2009 at 9:37 am Kevin

Anyone who could create such a thing as the McGangBang and attempt to climb the double bypass mountain is deserving of all men’s love and respect. You have both from me. (Plus I know what I’m having for lunch on this Thursday in Lent.)

Oh, I didn’t create the McGangbang, but I would totally eat it.
on March 5, 2009 at 9:41 am The Maiden Metallurgist

I think I just fell in love with you a little. Seriously, TV and cheeseburgers are maybe my favorite things on Earth.

I feel loved. Also, I love your bangs; they are wonderful. Seriously, every time I try to rock the bangs it never looks quite right.
on March 5, 2009 at 9:42 am freckledk

Can you bring home a Double Bypass burger for me? I’ve been wanting one my entire life!

Do airlines allow dry ice, I wonder?

There has to be some law against the dry ice.
on March 5, 2009 at 9:42 am Malnurtured Snay

Mmmm, might have to have lunch at Matchbox Friday …

Yum.
on March 5, 2009 at 9:48 am Racquel Valencia

I once said that I would have “a really, really hard time being with an atheist”. And here we are. I would also like to amend my statement:

I would have a really, really hard time being with someone who would not even entertain the possibility of the divine… in any form.

I a an atheist and while I could probably be with someone who believed, I doubt they could be with me.
on March 5, 2009 at 9:48 am justjp

I will now resubmit my marriage proposal!

BTW: While in Atlanta you really should hit up Fratelli Di Napoli in Roswell, best Italian in the ATL. It is a kick ass place. http://www.fratelli.net

Thanks for the tip. Also, I accept nothing less than 2 carats.
on March 5, 2009 at 9:50 am Fearless

That’s it, we’re definitely eloping this weekend.

BTW, my fondest memories of Atlanta all centre around Fatt Matt’s Rib Shack. *sigh*

Can we get married in a rib shack? Is that ok? Please?
on March 5, 2009 at 10:06 am Shannon

I could never date a guy who…would judge me for totally wanting a McGangBang.

Same here, my love. What kind of guy would?
on March 5, 2009 at 10:10 am Julie

I’ve been dying for a McGangBang all week! I think Saturday night I’m going to get completely bombed and eat one.

Take pics of the double bypass burger, okay? Oh, and tell the girls that work there that they’re all sluts. Thanks.

Have fun!!!

Are they sluts? I don’t really have anything against sluts.
I may video the double bypass. Just a thought.
on March 5, 2009 at 10:14 am DF

McGangBang Burger?! Yeah, I’m pretty sure I would walk away from that experience with at least a rash, if not syphillis like the last menage. Wait, what?

It happens, no shame.
on March 5, 2009 at 10:18 am Velvet

Totally off topic. I lived in Atlanta 10 years ago. My boyfriend and all his friends basically lived at the Vortex in midtown. Then a couple of the friends started working there. There are apartments above the restaurant and one of the guys in the kitchen lived up there. He came down, ordered a burger, and found he had locked himself out when he went to return home. So he climbed up the building floor by floor. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it.

His burger, however, fell the 4 or 5 stories, landed on the sidewalk in basically one piece. Still steaming hot.

Have fun!!! I love Atl!

Oh my goodness. That is a story.
on March 5, 2009 at 10:20 am Matt

I think I’ll have one of those McGangBang’s for breakfast.

and if they wont serve it to me, maybe I could try the same thing with the sausage/ham mcmuffins?

either way I win.

Ohh, I do love morning sex. A morning McGangBang sounds even better…
on March 5, 2009 at 10:23 am Liebchen

Eating that double bypass burger sounds like a challenge. I love a challenge.

So. Do. I.
on March 5, 2009 at 10:39 am LiLu

I sent the McGangBang to B and he said, “Gross.” I almost had to break up with him for you right then and there.

I would make you burgers every day.
on March 5, 2009 at 11:13 am ironrailsironweights

On my way from New York to Florida last December, I changed planes at Reagan National in Washington (okay, it’s actually in Virginia, but everyone says Washington). My departure out of LaGuardia had been delayed two hours by bad weather and for a while it had looked as if I wasn’t going to be leaving at all. It also looked as if my connecting flight to Florida would be delayed. As you might imagine, I was not in the best of moods … but then, as I walked off the jetway, right in front of me was a Five Guys Burgers. My mood improved 100%. Never underestimate the therapeutic effects of Five Guys!

Peter

5 Guys is really great. For a chain, amazing.
on March 5, 2009 at 11:17 am I-66

Eggs on burgers makes me happy in my pants.

Are your pants wet?
on March 5, 2009 at 11:28 am Big Money Tony

1. I wonder what will happen when I go up to order a McGangBang by name. McPolice issued McHandcuffs?

2. Brioche Bread is not normally my favorite bread, but Matchbox burgers do it right. Now I may need to go tomorrow.

3. Double Bypass - you didn’t mention beef patties. Dare I ask if there are any? I have friends who have been to Atlanta and said the only reason to do so is to go to The Varsity.

I guess it will be a boring day tomorrow. I’ll have to cheat on you and read other blogs.

Oh yes, a beef patty is in there. And all men cheat; just make sure you come home to me.
on March 5, 2009 at 11:46 am f.B

So all I have to do is walk up to the counter and ask for this? Or do I have to wink three times and drop a code phrase like “Want a gang in your pants, or would you just like to Mc-bang me?”

Well, I heard in some places they actually know what it is, so I want you to try and order it. Just for me.
on March 5, 2009 at 11:55 am deutlich

Now I want McDonald’s…

Please get me a shamrock shake.
on March 5, 2009 at 11:56 am The Player to be Named Later

That’s gotta be the mother of all “burg-whiches”. Very nice.

The grandmother even.
on March 5, 2009 at 12:07 pm brookem

there’s a place in reno that has a burger called “the awful awful”… it has heaps of shit on it and it’s fucking delicious and as big as your head. nomnomnom.

xx

I cannot imagine anything tastier.
on March 5, 2009 at 12:14 pm rs27

Wait so the Mcgangbang is like 6 dudes in my mouth?

This is the only thing I can think of with that name.

It should have been called the McOrgy. Get some women involved.

You should sweep the nation with your new name.
on March 5, 2009 at 12:28 pm Peregrine John

I think the McOrgy had hamburger, chicken, and fish fillet. Keeps you busy and leaves you exhausted, but the next day you wonder what the hell you had.

Ever see Teen Wolf II? If you haven’t… don’t. There’s a restaurant they hang out at, in the movie, called Wolfe Burger. It’s a real place, and I used to work a block away. They have really good chili, outstanding burgers, and great service. Their flame-cooked burgers can get pretty big, the largest having been described by one critic as “basically a slab of meatloaf on a bun.” Mmm.

Or what the hell you caught from it….
on March 5, 2009 at 12:37 pm k8

When I was drinking, the only thing that would do was the sourdough bacon cheeseburger at Burger King. If I had only known…..

And seriously. For $2.16? Why is not everyone ordering these things? And I’m with Matt on trying new combos of the breakfast meals. I’m going to go visit the McDonald’s website and come up with one to order on Saturday morning!

Oh! Sourdough. Sounds yum.
on March 5, 2009 at 12:42 pm Peregrine John

Oh, rs27, that first thing you were thinking of was the McKakke. Different item altogether. Not in the sandwich list.

Oh dear GOD.
on March 5, 2009 at 12:43 pm Secular Friend

This makes me think of http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com.

But I am not one to talk - when I got home to VA on Sunday night, I had queso chili fries for dinner. And they were delicious.

It made me think of the asme exact thing.
on March 5, 2009 at 12:46 pm Lost Artist

This is wonderful. I’ve been debating all morning on what I should have for lunch, as I forgot mine. And this totally settles it. A hamburger from the diner down the street. Much obliged dear.

I never thought I would be inspirational here. Wow.
on March 5, 2009 at 1:03 pm hannahjustbreathe

My mouth hung open when I saw that picture—out of disbelief and hunger and a raw, carnal sense of “I want….” Although, how do you even fit your mouth around that?! (Pause for the “That’s what she said” jokes.)

You’re a Van Nesser, right? What do you think about the sliders at Cleveland Park Bar and Grill? I wouldn’t call them out of this world, but I still crave them from time to time. Random, I know…

Ya know, I have never had more than drinks at CPB&G. Good to know.
on March 5, 2009 at 1:14 pm SD

I’m famous far and wide for my love and knowledge of burgers. But…McDonald’s? Nasty.

This reminds me of the Simpsons when Homer gets a two-for-one coupon for Doughy’s Pizza.

“But Dad, Doughy’s has terrible pizza.”

“But there’s two!”

Hey, I never said it wasn’t nasty, did I?
on March 5, 2009 at 1:17 pm Gilahi

What, you’re going to Atlanta and not eating at The Varsity? Greasiest food and best onion rings on the planet. Chili steaks or chili dogs with O-rings are a must.

That’s my home town. You should also totally check out Dante’s Down The Hatch if you get a chance.

BettyJoan is planning. maybe we will. Who knows. We are going to Flip, I do know that.
on March 5, 2009 at 1:44 pm alexa - cleveland's a plum

i could take the mcgangbang down without even being stoned first.

That is a big statement.
on March 5, 2009 at 2:07 pm bh

Oh, Fuck Yeah.

And I just had a crappy veggie wrap at this lame conference I’m at.

Ew. Conference food is always the pits.
on March 5, 2009 at 2:55 pm Lisa

I am so with you on so many things, but the burger, alas, I am not. I stopped eating beef (along with just about everything else that contained nutrition or calories) sometime in high school and even though I eat most things now, I just never got back a taste for beef. Which is too bad, because burgers always look and smell sooooo delicious.

We can still be friends.
on March 5, 2009 at 3:05 pm apollocreed

Oh that looks like something America needs very badly.

I know-we are all too skinny.
on March 5, 2009 at 4:10 pm barbara

Please say hi to Betty Joan for me. I just made a contribution of support for her.

And I agree Matchbox rocks!
on March 5, 2009 at 4:47 pm Beach Bum

That burger sounds disgusting. Please post a picture!

Oh I will.
on March 5, 2009 at 5:53 pm Phil

MmmmMm!! I think I just had a little bit of a heart attack looking at that picture….delicious!

Make sure you submit your Playaz Tax when you cross the state line, please. Otherwise, enjoy our fair city!

My tax will be submitted. promise.
on March 5, 2009 at 5:54 pm Titania

I must confess I don’t like McDonalds, can’t help it. However, the Whopper takes me to paradise. There, I’ve said it, I need a Whopper Anonymous.

Oooh…the whooper. My fav fast food burger is Wendy’s, I must say. And welcome!
on March 5, 2009 at 6:50 pm Titania

I must admit, shamefully so, that I have not tried Wendy’s… I think I have to expand my horizons. See? now I *really* want a burger…. hmmm, with a little pink, lots of ketchup, mustard, cheese, pickels, onions, tomatoes and lettuce….hmmmm…. heaven…..

Christ. All this burger talk is killing me. I know, I know…I started it.
on March 5, 2009 at 6:58 pm Titania

(… and thank you…)

You are very welcome.
on March 5, 2009 at 10:57 pm cavy

i second brookem. the ‘awful awful’ burger at the nugget casino is

TO.
DIE.
FOR.

and who wouldn’t want a heaping pound of fries to go with it?

Welcome Cavy…I think you will fit in here well.
on March 5, 2009 at 11:23 pm dan-E

i just ate a fatty melt (cheeseburger with two grilled cheese sandwiches instead of buns) and seeing that mcgangbang photo made me hungry again. that’s a big pile awesomeness.

isn’t atlanta where they invented the “luther burger?” see if you can track one down, assuming you survive the vortex.

The Luther burger? I will have to look into this.
on March 6, 2009 at 2:42 am nicoleantoinette

You know, it’s sort of weird that I don’t eat hamburgers. I don’t know why I don’t. I just… don’t.

I have a TV though, haha!

Well, I could half marry you.

Do you not even eat them at cookouts?
on March 6, 2009 at 5:45 pm Oxen Cox

I think either a PBR or Bud would be the best choice for a burger of that caliber. What can I say, I am a classy lady.

You make me fall in love with you a little when you tell me about greasy meat.