Now, I must admit, I am pretty awesome at a lot of things. I am sure I can apply liquid liner better than you and I know for a fact that I make the best macaroni and cheese that has ever passed your lips. I can bust the best white girl moves you have ever witnessed and I assure you that my karaoke skills are unmatched.
But my best skill by far is proving how denial reigns supreme. One need to only look at the pile of men in my past to confirm that I hold a PhD in Willful Ignorance.
Several years back-2005 to be exact-I started getting these headaches. They were annoying at first but then they started becoming a weekly occurrence. Before I knew it these headaches were an ever present companion, a problem I had ignored so keenly that I didn’t know what life was like without them.
Then the dizziness started. I had a few moments of confusion and some stumbles I would always explain away. At times I would stagger and lose my balance. I finally scared myself in to going to the doctor when I was heading to work one morning and had no idea where I was…I looked around, confused and befuddled and finally pieced it together when I peered at my suit and the Capitol.
After a battery of tests it was determined I had migraines, a blanket term for anything wrong with your brain they cannot really explain. My neurologist told me left temporal lobe was firing three times too fast, flooding my brain and confusing it. These moments of confusion and dizziness were my brain resetting. There was no explanation as to why these headaches started as a result, if this has been a problem I had had my whole life…nothing.
I was placed on a drug that helped but made my life hell. I had issues with recall; I would forget my own phone number or very basic words. My speech became slurred and my feet would fall asleep for days. I felt like I was living in a complete haze. I had moments where I wished I had continued denying the problem. I hated those pills.
I stopped taking them. I lied to pretty much everyone-my mom, other doctors. I just weaned myself off completely. I loathed not feeling like myself.
Look, I will yell at friends who are sick and avoid their doctors. I will work out and do my best to eat right. But this healthy? The kind of healthy that fixes one part of my brain but makes the other part unbearable? I am not so good at this.
The headaches are back. I have blacked out twice in the past month. Right now I can feel my mother writing me, yelling at me to take care of myself and how this scares her. I am older. I am more responsible and this scares me more than it ever did…I have already called my doctor. I know it is super dangerous and I can no longer deny this.
But this healthy? I hate it. I do condom healthy, cardio healthy…salad healthy. Not this healthy. I hate this healthy. I don’t want to do it…but, of course I will.
Easter Salad
Dressing
3 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
2 Tbsp red wine vinegar
2 Tbsp white wine vinegar
1 Tbsp honey
1 Tbsp mustard (I prefer dijon)
1 shallot, minced
Salt and pepper
1/4 cup olive oil
Mix together ingredients through salt and pepper. Whisk in oil and let sit together for 10 minutes before serving.
Salad
Baby Arugula Mix
Toasted walnuts
Figs (or, in my case, rehydrated dry figs)
Blue Cheese (I used gorgonzola)
Chopped proscuitto
Toss salad together and dress.
I hope that they can find a medication that won’t make you sick otherwise.
A friend of mine started having similar symptoms a few months ago…She went from doctor to doctor who dismissed it as just migraines and stress…Until one doctor finally did the right tests and it was spinal fluid build up in her brain…Scary stuff but she took the right meds and she’s good now.
I’m always terrified of going to the dr…and I still don’t go as often as I should but I’m proud of you for making the appointment and taking that step.
Get better soon darling…We need you around
I know-they tested me from MS, tumors…it was scary as hell. And thanks.
What about cuminitis? Did they test for that? Seriously, when the cure is worse than the disease it is time to visit another doctor. Here’s hoping that it is nothing that can’t be cured by a cumin free diet. Sending lots of positive waves.
Oh, I am ok…I don’t want to sound totally alarmist. Thanks, though.
I think any drug that makes you not be YOU, couldn’t be healthy at all. I’m not talking about recreational drugs that are done once every now and then, I have NO problem with those… I’m talking about doctor prescribed everyday kind of drugs.
Its like all the depression zombies out there walking around all medicated. That cant be good for you.
Well, I don’t want to get in to this debate, but some depression drugs are super helpful for certain people, but I get your point. I am sure there is something better out there.
Your salad looks great. I was kind of hoping you were going to say it’s a cure for migraines (which I also get). Although mine aren’t as bad as yours, I feel your pain (literally) and will be thinking about you and hoping for a cure!
Thanks Susies…and welcome. I sure wish it cured migraines.
Why can’t rapid firing temporal lobes lead to a super power like telekinesis or telepathy? Goddamn doctors better get on that shit because their unimaginative diagnosis makes for poor superhero material.
For serious…the meds should make me more awesome, if that is possible.
My colleague suffers from migraines as well - he has a pill that he takes when he feels one coming on, and that does the trick for him. I can find out the name of it, if you like.
Or there’s always Botox.
Oh, I have been on a bunch of pills and a lot of them work. They just make me spacey.
(((hugs)))
Thanks, hun.
That does not sound good, but at least you are headed back to the doctor.
I don’t want to alarm you, but I suggest that if you seek a specialist. My mother complained of dots in her vision and other symptoms that the primary doc said was “getting older”. Months later, after an emergency room visit, it was diagnosed as the Big C. She had fought it off in the past and the primary doc knew that, but failed to suggest further review.
I have always seen a really wonderful specialist. She is amazing and I would recommend her to anyone. The drugs just mess with you no matter what.
Rapid firing of the temporal lobe sounds like a super hero skill. You need your own comic book.
I would like a latex outfit, please.
Nothing like a good blanket term to put your mind at ease (no pun intended).
Doctors are terrifying. I like to take a “heal thyself” attitude. Which probably explains why, despite having rolled it three and a half weeks having passed, my ankle is still swollen and bruised.
Well, I am gonna be a mom and tell you that you should get to a doctor…but you know that.
Yikes. Positive thoughts sent your way.
Thanks…it is ok. really. Not too terribly serious.
Oh man…something like this is scary any way you slice it. I hope you find something that works for you - and lets you be yourself. I know how disconcerting it is to feel detached.
Good luck, love.
Thanks. I mean I am kind of an odd one, but I at least want to be my brand of odd.
is that a beer bottle cap next to the salad?
yep.
I’m not trying to be funny but….. acupuncture,
I’d do anything to avoid having to take any pills plus it couldn’t hurt to try.
Interesting-we will need to talk about this. I didn’t know you had tried.
schmoop, there damn well has to be a better medication than that for you. im glad you’re going to see the doctor again. this shit isn’t something you should just have to put up with. im glad you’re going to get it figured out.
black outs should only be reserved for the tequila variety.
I best be waking up in another state with a sailor if I am blacking out.
I have always been a fan of self-medicating/diagnosis, it comes with the medic territory. We avidly avoid doctors unless we are on shift. But passing out would scare the shit out of me. As your friend, I am asking you to take care of yourself in this respect. Neuro-type things are not something to avoid. This, obviously you know.
So, I am there if you need me and I hope you feel better soon!
Thanks, and I will. I posted this largely so I would hold myself accountable.
If I help find a cure for migraines, will you pay me in dance lessons and several dozen servings of mac and cheese?
Yes! This sounds like the perfect swap.
Ahhh! That sounds awful. Although the salad looks divine.
Pills suck - even if they “fix” you usually the side effects are as bad as the original problem. I have so been there, and it sicks.
At the risk of sounding like a crazy older relative who just wants to dole out medical advice that you will never actually take: if you’re really fed up with the conventional medical system, you try could going to a naturopathic physician - a type of alternative medicine practitioner that focuses on natural, non-drug treatments. Disclaimer: I work for their trade association, but this also means I can recommend someone in your area who’s gone to a good naturopathic medical school and is well trained.
Email me at moderndomestic at gmail if you want a rec. I’d be happy to help. Good luck.
Thanks Jenna, and welcome… This is something to think about, though I need to learn more about it.
aw man, this sucks. my initial reaction is to tell you to find out if there is another other drug available that can help, or maybe a different dosage.
i know from my own experiences with scripts changing a brand or milligram level makes a world of a difference.
hope it gets figured out.
Yep, hopefully she can help. Blah.
Beautifully written as always. The salad looks like the best kind of healthy. Best of luck with the headaches and treatment - it sounds awful. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
- Elizabeth
The salad was great. Thanks for the kind words.
my heart goes out to you
I swear I am not dying!
Before you try finding a different drug, you might try finding a different doctor-one who will be responsive to your concerns about medication and help you safely explore other options.
I would generally agree with that, but there were drugs that were actually WORSE than the one we finally landed on.
I once lied about taking medicine that had been prescribed. But that was because of just what you mention — the not myself aspect — and because the doctor literally said it was experimental, that she just wanted to see what would happen.
So yes: take care of you, obviously. But also make sure you find a doctor who understands what works for you chemically and what you need personally.
Uh, yeah. You aren’t a lab rat. Glad you stopped.
Yeah, after my little heart palpitation episode last fall, I never went back to the cardiologist. A lot of us tend to stick our heads in the proverbial sand that way. I hope you feel better soon…
I know…why can’t we just ignore our problems…much easier.
I echo the all good wishes, hope it is addressed and solved very soon.
As a side note, I think you are setting an honesty standard in the blogosphere that will be difficult to match. Nothing less than inspiring and completely endearing.
Thank you so much. It isn’t really what i was intending to do but appreciate your words.
I think that over the course of my life, I’ve taken just about every single anti-depressant drug out there. And it was an ugly, ugly process - trying to find one that would help that didn’t wreck havoc on the rest of my life. I mean, we were trying to FIX something - not BREAK it. You’ll find the right one. I really believe that.
I really hope so.
(Insert full name here, including middle and last), you are in trouble for not telling me! That is all I will say right now!
I know I know I know.
“I am sure I can apply liquid liner better than you”
That’s not saying much. Kate Hepburn could apply liquid liner better than me.
Oh snap! I just lol’ed.
Good that you are getting it sorted again. And your friend brookem is right. black outs are only to be reserved for tequila shots.
brookem is very smart, let me tell you.
Trial and error
A harsh way to medicate.
But it must be done.
Truer words.
im sorry
that really bites. hopefully your dcotor will be able to come up with a better solution.
i now feel weird saying that salad looks amazing….
Why?! It was really good. Don’t feel bad.
Lem, I tried to find a way to send you a direct email, I don’t know if you have it there, but I couldn’t find it, but I can never find anything. Have you had an MRI? I don’t want to scare you, but next week is going to be 4 years since I had brain surgery to remove a tumor. My symptoms started somewhat like yours and it took forever until they discovered what it was. Please send me an email if you want to chat about this. Maybe I can point you to my doctors or something…
My email is culinarycouture at gmail dot com … but yes. I have had an MRI and a zillion other tests and I am doing ok in that area. Thanks for your concern, though.
I am glad to hear you are doing ok in that area and that the MRI was clean. However, please, please, please, go bug your doctors, blacking out all over the place is not that good… I am not how far back was your MRI, but if it was over a year, maybe they can get you another one? Just an idea. Please take care of yourself, I need your recipes!!!
Oh, thank you Titania. I appreciate it.
Ohh, this is totally understandable. It’s hard to make yourself stay on medication that affects your life in so many adverse ways - especially when you feel better.
See!? Thank you!
Imitrex is the best for migraines. I had migranes for about 10 years during the winter months. I took Imitrex for a few months and I havent had them for about 5 years.
Although each type of migraine is dfft, im sure if you treat it now, it should help cope with it or get rid of it completely in the long run.
Cheers
We shall see. I liked my meds for the breakthrough headaches…Frova.
I never go to the doctor. This is probably why I have something called…
weirdness.
It’s a medical term. Don’t think you would understand.
Oh, I understand.
I’ve tried acupuncture, too.
If anything, it’s a good excuse to take a nap for 30 mins during the day when you get it done.
I love naps…this is sounding more appealing.
I get migraines as well and they started in my mid 20s out of nowhere (I had always been a stomach issue kind of girl)-but Migranal is my favorite…its actually rx nasal migraine spray and its not as common but I’ll talk to you about it offline.
I hope you feel better. The blacking out is terrifying and I’m glad you put this out there so we can annoy you about it and make sure you are consistently doing okay.
xo
I have never heard of this nasal spray…I will definitely look in to it. Thanks, love.
“My karaoke skills are unmatched.” Aw, sheeyit, we are going to have to THROW. DOWN. Your match = ME. Mwa ha ha.
Keep me updated on the headaches. Migraine sufferers unite.
It. is. on.
Acupuncture does work, or at least it has for me. And I’m not your mom, but I will say - take care of yourself!!