As you know, I don’t do TMI Thursdays. They really aren’t my thing. This being said, something happened to me this week that LiLu convinced me I had to share. She has had some food stuff kicking around so it seemed the perfect opportunity to swap blogs for a day. Head on over to her place and check it out…a very special TMI for you from me with love. Mom, seriously, please skip this one. If you look, you only have yourself to blame.
Also, I leave town tomorrow to go visit my boo, bettyjoan. I have lined up some smart, funny, incredibly good looking men to fill in for me while I am gone. I figured we needed some testosterone up in this piece. They are good guys so please be nice to them in my absence. Well, unless they use emoticons…you have free reign to burn them at the stake if they commit such an offense here. -Lexa
What up, kiddos? Most of you probably know me around this block, as I am Lemmonex’s lesbian e-lover bffie and biggest fan, LiLu from Livit, Luvit. Well, we decided we’d pull a Freaky Thursday on y’all, and try posting in each other’s styles for a day. Ready, beetches? Cause heeeeere we go…
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We all have our “go-to stories”. The ones we’ve told time and time again, but never seem to get old… (at least to us). This here is one that all my friends (bear with me) have undoubtedly heard before, but I’ve wanted to share it on my blog for quite some time now, as it represents one of the proudest moments of my very young (and stupid) life.
I was in high school and working my ass off at the local TGIFriday’s. It was my first job, and I’d worked my way up quickly from hostess to server (a promotion that required 18 years of age and approximately 45 working brain cells). The restaurant was in a mall, a mall in the SUBURBS with a MOVIE THEATRE. It was Christmas time, and Shit. Was. Insane. We were constantly on a three-hour wait and everyone was in a horrible mood, staff and customers alike.
One particularly grueling Saturday afternoon, my two-top got sat with an enormous, red-faced, pissy redneck woman and her chubbalicious good-for-nothing preteen son. These greedy little pigs spared no expense; he got a milkshake, they shared an appetizer sampler, got full entrees, and painstakingly deliberated over the dessert menu before deciding on the Brownie Fudge Sundae.
Now, even when I don’t like a customer, I’ve never given them anything less than decent service. I did my job; I was attentive, I refilled drinks, their food was on time and their orders were correct. I brought the bill quickly, as I was anxious to flip the table and make another few bucks. Their check was $32.19 (remember, this was a TGIFs in 2002).
A few minutes later, I walked over to the empty table and looked down. $33 was lying on top of the bill, and the patrons were nowhere to be seen.
“You have GOT to be freaking KIDDING ME,” I hissed venomously, and something happened. I just snapped. Too many doubles during the holidays had finally caught up with me, and I decided this bitch was NOT getting away with it. I ran out the side door into the mall, and scanned furiously for their fat asses. There, across the way, I saw them waddling into Linens ‘N Things. I hiked up my suspenders, adjusted my cowboy hat, and ran after them, pieces o’ flair and all.
“EXCUSE ME,” I tapped her on the shoulder and she whirled around, her squinty eyes startled by my red and white stripes.
“Um… yes?” she stammered, clearly taken aback.
“Hi there,” I smiled sweetly. “I was just wondering if everything was okay with your service today?”
“Uh, yes… yes, it was fine,” she glanced nervously at her oompa loompa son, but he was in a sugar coma and wouldn’t be coming to anyone’s rescue.
“Oh, really? That’s surprising,” I cooed, loudly enough for the small crowd gathering to hear… “Because you DIDN’T LEAVE A TIP.”
“Welllll, I’m unemployed right now,” she said, starting to back away from the crazy TGIFriday’s server covered in sarcastic buttons.
“OH,” I said, the ‘sweet’ quickly melting out of my voice, “THAT’S REALLY FUNNY. BECAUSE ACTUALLY, THIS IS MY JOB!!!”
“I’m- I’m sorry,” she mumbled as she turned to get the hell away from me.
“SO NEXT TIME, WHY DON’T YOU SKIP THE DESSERT AND LEAVE ME THE FIVE BUCKS??? Or better yet, there’s an Arby’s in the food court. Why don’t you shit on them instead???”
She was almost running at this point, but she heard me. Morally satisfied, I returned to the restaurant a new woman, and finished my shift with the ease of someone who knew that a tiny slice of justice has been served that day.
Much like this story, chicken parmigiana is a dish that I have always considered a classic, a favorite of mine. A couple weeks ago, when I’d taken a mental health day and B (the bf, for the newbies) had slaved away at work all day, I wanted to have a delicious dinner waiting for him when he got home. And what could be better than this Italian classic?
Like Lemmonex, I like to use healthy substitutions when possible, (while keeping the food delicious). So this recipe has been tweaked a little to include whole wheat noodles, eggbeaters, etc… but trust me when I say it was still DELICIOUS. See?
Like a favorite story, this dish will never disappoint.
Easy Chicken Parmagiana
Slightly Adapted from ezinearticles.com
Ingredients:
4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves
Salt
Pepper
1/4 cup flour (whole wheat if you’d like; I seasoned mine with an Italian herb blend)
1 to 2 Tablespoons margarine
1 to 2 Tablespoons olive oil
1-1/2 cups tomato sauce (add spices to taste)
4 Tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
6 to 8 ounces of mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
You will need to cook the chicken breasts before assembling the casserole. This can be done ahead of time if you choose. For example, cook the chicken in the morning and then put the parmigiana together in the evening. Sprinkle salt and pepper on both sides of the chicken breasts, then dip both sides of the breasts in the 1/4 cup of seasoned flour to coat the meat. In a heavy skillet, heat the margarine and olive oil on medium heat. Place the coated chicken breasts in the sizzling skillet. Sauté for 4 minutes and then flip the breasts. Sauté for another 5 minutes to finish cooking. Chicken will be firm to the touch and lightly browned on both sides.
To assemble the chicken casserole, preheat your oven to 350 degrees F and oil the bottom of a 13 x 9 baking pan. Spoon about 1/2 cup of tomato sauce evenly over the bottom of the pan and arrange chicken breasts in the sauce. Sprinkle 4 tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese over the breasts and then spoon the rest of the tomato sauce over the chicken. Arrange the sliced mozzarella cheese over the whole casserole and sprinkle with 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese.
Cover the pan with foil and bake for about 20 to 30 minutes until everything is heated through and a little bubbly. Garnish with fresh basil.
Bwahahahahaha. I would’ve totally done the same thing!!
You just made Ryan Reynolds and Dane Cook so, so very proud.
And me. From one recovering waitress to another. xoxo
Curses. Someone already hit the Waiting comparison. Glad to see you went the extra mile, into another store. Tell me how you feel about getting sat a group of high schoolers.
THAT WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m SO glad you yelled at her!!!
of course, i expected you would. proud
I’m EMPLOYED (twice over!) and can’t afford to drop $33 bucks on a single dinner. Even if I could, I’d never not tip.
Oh you are my hero! I always wanted to do this!!! I worked at a similar chain - good old Ruby Tuesdays, in Miami. Yeah, try telling all the foreigners down there how to tip more than 5%. Sometimes they would hand me a hundred on a $95 bill and say “Keep the change.” Oh really? I gave him that 5 back to see what he’d do. Yep. he took it. Unbelievable. People should have to wait tables for a year before they are allowed to eat in restaurants.
bravo! on behalf of anyone who has never had the balls to do that . . . bravo!
I’m kind of impressed you ran after her. Even when we were in high school, we always left a tip. Sometimes we had to resort to quarters (this is my apology to all waiters and waitresses…I imagine the quarters were annoying), but we always left one.
Personally, I love the transition from TMI to the food.
Also, I will freely admit I let out an “awww” at hearing she was unemployed and immediately felt bad that you were yelling at her (because I’m empathetic to a fault). But, then I realized, that yes, she could have easily not ordered the appetizer, milkshake, OR dessert and left you a couple bucks tip.
I’ve luckily been employed non-stop since high school. Even bad service deserves some minor tip, like 5% or 10%. When I bought my first home, I ate alot at home. It was cheaper and I didn’t have to tip myself.
What a bitch! Wish she had come back so you could spit on her food!!
Love this!
I had a party of 8 come into my bar once, 7 of whom were very nice, but with one guy who was decidedly not. He was, in fact, a miserable cunt who just wanted to bitch and moan about everything. EVERYTHING. The table was wobbly, the music too loud, his drink too weak, the menu too limited, etc. Add to that that his Mama never taught him the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and I was itching to give him a slap in the puss. Luckily I worked in an establishment in which the barstaff, not the customer, was always right.
I went to clear their dishes from the table and asked how everything was. I heard “Good!” all around, except for Mr. Cuntbag, who claimed that his dinner sucked balls. I looked down at his plate, which was practically licked clean.
“Well you sure wolfed it down, didn’tcha — Fat Boy.” I took the plate and walked away, leaving him with 7 friends who were screaming with laughter at the slight.
They tipped me 40%. Bonus.
I never had someone leave without tipping me when I was a server. If they did I’m sure I would’ve done something probably worse than this. I’d end up in jail, sure, but at least I’d get that tip.
PQ: And I’d do it again. Gladly. (In fact, I did, many times over the years… it’s a wonder I was never fired!)
Racquel Valencia: There is no wrath like that of a scorned waitress.
66: I know some people hated it, but I freaking LOVED that movie. I could watch it over and over. Granted they missed a few of the more controversial points, but it was still GOLD.
cavy: You get me… you really get me.
Malnurtured Snay: This is what I’m saying. Know your limits, people.
Velvet: Oh, foreigners… I didn’t even try with them. Once in a while I tried to educate as a bartender (you have a little more leeway as far as sass), but I truly think it’s a lost cause.
claire: Stupid, hot-blooded, 18 year old balls. Aw, who am I kidding… I probably did it a couple times last summer.
Liebchen: Quarters I have no problem with. It’s when the pennies bust out that we need to have a chat.
A Super Girl: TMI and food aren’t so far off, actually… they’re both good for the soul. Like masturbating. OHHHH TMI THURSDAY STRIKES AGAIN!!!
BMT: You definitely could have taught her a thing or two.
Ever seen the movie Waiting? There’s an exact scene like the one you had, except the waiter got in trouble with his boss. Still, pretty funny. If she was unemployed, why was she going OUT to eat?! Geez.
And that looks delish!
I read the TMI story at LiLu’s. It was … not good
((
Peter
I too felt bad about hearing she was unemployed, but you make an excellent point - if she couldn’t afford to tip, she and her son could have gotten something at the food court, and skipped the sit-down establishment. Hopefully, she’ll think of that next time… Bravo!
Beach Bum: What makes you think I didn’t already? … KIDDING.
frecks: It was such a breath of fresh air when I finally found a couple places like that to work in. How do they expect me to work if I can’t sass???
apollocreed: Physical violence was sort of out of the question, since she and her son could have just sat on me. I had to use my words.
Marie: Waiting’s one of my favorites. “The game” wasn’t far off from reality, either…
ironrailsironweights: No, not good… but funny, yes?
Dagny Taggart: I would have felt bad for her, too, if only she hadn’t decided the best way to deal with it was by stealing from me. Because honestly, that’s what it is.
That’s awesome. I don’t know if I would have had the balls to do that.
OMG good for you! That is great that you called her out on it! I’ve actually heard people complain about how waitresses make so much money and that they don’t feel it is necessary to tip them anymore. UM PLEASE they works their ASSES off for $2.89/hour and have to deal with losers like this!!!!
what a dbag she was! good on you for chasing her down. she deserved it!
i love your lemmie-style post! nice transition there into the chicken parm. and it looks delicious!
See? We’ve talked about this before. I would have cried. You confronted. I need lessons. Obviously. Hrmph.
And I love this dish, and sometimes serve it over mashed potatoes. Like Buca de Bepa or whatever the hell that place is called.
Well done.
I am speechless (in a good way)! Yeah, if she was unemployed, she could do fast food (or at least skip desert and leave a tip). The last time I didn’t tip was in a Hard Rock in 1998 where the waiter was such a d1ck that my friend, literally, almost punched him in the face.
SCUSE ME! You mean you can afford to order a full course meal including appetizer and desert, while unemployed? Um, wait one minute while I go tell my boss to f…k off. I want to be UNEMPLOYED!
some people amaze me. seriously - she could have left you a religious track or something!
I can’t believe how rude that woman was! I always leave 18%, no matter how bad the service is, and then add on additional from there for better service. Some people…ugh!
That chicken parm looks delicious. I think I know what I’ll be making for dinner tonight
Wow! I’d never have the balls to do this, but good for you!
Be still, my heart. I loves me some parm.
Also, I’m so happy you yelled at that bitch. You did what so many of us wish we had the balls to do.
Stephanie: Try working five double shifts in a row dealing with people like that… you’ll find ‘em.
Shelly: To be fair, they bumped the national minimum for service people allllllllllll the way to $3.13. Which still goes straight to our taxes anyway. AWESOME.
brookem: It was delicious… you can’t go wrong with pan-searched chicken smothered in cheese.
(Lemm, that emoticon was FOR YOU.)
k8: Oh, there were plenty of times I cried, too. Like when I needed to not get fired for telling off a customer…
Sam Midhurst: Thanks. It was a proud moment.
homeimprovementninja: That’s definitely fair. I’ve certainly been treated like crap before- I can’t leave a zero tip because of the other people counting on the server’s money (busser, bartender, etc) but a 5-10% is a HUGE slap in the face from me.
Patty Duke: Let’s all lose our jobs!!! Wheeeeeeeee!!!
ella: Oh, I got those too. But little did they know I sprinkled some sin in their food. Won’t they be surprised on judgement day!
Jacqueline: Do it! You won’t be sorry… SO good!
Lisa: Cajones: I has them.
Kate: It was a brief moment of glory, but I shall treasure it always.
Good for you! Serves her right.
Yum! I love chicken parm! I however, hate fat rednecks who don’t tip.
I love you for this. My worst flip out happened when an 8-top tried to tell me their food was cold. The was right after I physically took their sandwiches off of the grill and put them on plates. At the end of the lunch they told me I should “probably not be in the restaurant business” and I said, “i’m NOT in the restaurant business, i’m a fucking waitress.”
Luckily they’d already given me the tip
Lilu, you make me, as well as any server/former server in America so freakin proud right now.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Because you tell me every day, and I want you to know I fucking love you back.
OMG, LiLu, I don’t think I would’ve had the balls to do that!!! Good for you!!
Damn, that chicken parmagiana looks delish!!! I should try that for when my friend Mr. Seattle comes to visit me!
The sad truth is you are always at the customer’s mercy when it comes to tips. The most unlikely are often the big tippers. And working your ass off doesn’t necessarily guarantee you a dime. I on the other hand almost got fired in 1971 for not putting a big enough head on a draft beer. My idiot boss said, “That’s a 37-cent beer!” when in fact it cost 35 cents. That’s inflation for you, and that was the last time I worked in the food industry thank God!
First, I love the switcheroo you ladies pulled!
Second, karma is a bitch and you are her mercenary. Well played.
Its a scientific fact that rednecks possess a gene that metabolizes ettiquette into fat, retardation, and an inability to take anything to a junkyard. True story.
LA Cochran: Thanks, love.
Kristin: Lord knows we had our share in college!
Maxie: “Get the money first.” That’s pretty much our life motto, isn’t it?
My Ginger: I am but one woman, doing the work for waitresses everywhere. <3
Violet: You really should. Putty in your hands, darlin. PUTTY.
Barbara: I can’t tell you how glad I am to never have to hear the words “LIQUOR COST” again after bartending for half a decade.
bethie: We are tricksy, Lemm and I. And I always like to give karma a hand when I can. She’s got a lot to do.
DF: I read that in Newsweek, I think! Isn’t it attached to the “desire to marry your first cousin” gene they found?
She was unemployed and ordered dessert? That’s like the kids on free lunch who buy from the cookie cart! BITCH! I love that you ran her down!!
Have you ever read the Waiter Rant blog? Or his book? Cause i feel like you would totally appreciate it and definitely relate - this guy has done that EXACT move! Good on both of you for it!
This was wonderful, lover. Thanks for doing it.
Oh, and fuck you and your emoticons.
Jules: Oh, I know! Those kids used to piss me the hell off.
heather: I LOVE Waiter Rant! I miss the days when he was still in the restaurant, of course, but I guess you can’t blame the guy for getting out. I sure did.
Lemmonex: *BIG WET KISS*
LiLu, I think you owed that bitch 81 centavos. She fuckin’ needed it, apparently.
That was an awesome story! She probably pissed her pants but learned a valuable lesson all at the same time. This dinner looks delicious by the way, I think I will try this one tomorrow.
“SO NEXT TIME, WHY DON’T YOU SKIP THE DESSERT AND LEAVE ME THE FIVE BUCKS??? Or better yet, there’s an Arby’s in the food court. Why don’t you shit on them instead???”
Is this available on video?