A few weeks back I got incredibly pissy with a coworker who told me to smile. I asked him if I was his doll. He didn’t know how to react, but I hope he felt embarrassed.
It chafes me when I feel like people are telling me how to feel or the manner in which they feel I should act. I think when someone says “Smile” or “cheer up” is always more about them. People don’t want to be confronted with difficult or hard feelings, but I don’t really feel like it is my job to be a ray of sunshine day in and day out just because someone wants a pretty face to look at.
Every year I am told I should be a better sport about the holidays, that it is a beautiful and wonderful time of year. Every year, I resent this just a tiny bit, because it is a day I don’t think I will ever love and why should I pretend just to make someone happy? Largely, I think I feel this way because I am just not wired to love this most magical time of the year…I am a cynic and an avowed atheist with a bitchy streak. Christmas isn’t made for people like me.
Yet of course there is another piece of the puzzle I know I cannot ignore. I haven’t talked to my biological father nor the paternal side of my family for 12 years. I wouldn’t say it is a secret, but merely something I don’t discuss with much frequency. It is nothing and everything, a thing of the past yet highly present in the present.
A large event that sent the walls tumbling took place on Christmas Eve many years ago. The details are boring and relatively inconsequential. Bitching about them makes me feel whiny and damaged; I know far worse things have happened to people, but this doesn’t change the fact that it is the constant boogeyman in the room every Christmas. I can go months without thinking about him, them, and all the pain, but this time of the year it is lurking around every corner.
I guess I am slipping this in now because I feel it is safe; no one is reading this week, so for those of you who are I am trusting you to be gentle. This is why I hate Christmas, why I have acted a little serious lately, and why I kind of suck this time of year in general. I am so incredibly grateful that my mom married a man that I consider to be the only real, loving and caring father I have ever known, but Christmas will never be a time of pure joy and wonderment for me. I can barely remember a Christmas that wasn’t made damp by a few tears.
I am a bit of a bear to be around this time of year because I will always feel like a little part of me is missing or perhaps even gone forever; if you are missing something, it is implied it can be found again. I don’t think I can ever get certain parts of me back, but I have somehow managed to fill those gaps over time. Yet, like a phantom chunk of my heart, those pieces still throb from time to time, reminding me of what I am missing.
However, this year I was able to have some good moments and squeeze out a few tears of happiness. My grandma handed down an apron she had sewn for my beloved great grandma and I was overcome when I saw it. The tears welled up immediately; it was unexpected and perfectly appropriate. I know I am going to wear it year round, it’s holiday theme mocking me every time I cook a meal. I really want to believe in the future the tears will be of joy. This year was a step in the right direction. Maybe next year those will be the only tears.
*hug*
The coffee cake turned out great.
Awesome! Isn’t it amazing? I love it.
I’m always reading, now if there’s one thing I’m not it’s gentle, but with that happy whatever
Thanks for making an exception.
My gram got me an apron too. We done been domesticated, lady.
I am proud of you for this. It’s hard to open up, especially to the innerwebs, about something so painful.
Sending 101 e-hugs your way, my lovely. I heart you.
I don’t think we can ever be fully domesticated. Thanks, lover.
Rockin’ the glasses and the apron. Ah yeah.
I am glad I can fulfill your fantasies.
Love you! Can’t wait to see you when you’re back home.
Same here, hun.
i can understand why this time of year would be so hard for you, given all that you’ve been through.
and the best part is, it’s our own feelings to feel. you want to say eff christmas? say eff christmas. you’re entitled, woman.
what a cute apron and such a sweet gesture from your grandma. hope florida is treating you RIGHT!
It is lovely, isn’t it? Thanks.
Holidays are hard, and bring out high emotion in everyone - both up and down. Worse things have always happened to everyone - like, thank goodness we’re not Tutsis who got limbs hacked off - but it doesn’t make one’s own trauma any less painful or any less deserving of recognition and reflection. Big hug to you, lovey.
Thanks for not making me feel like a self indulgent ass, Lisa. You are wonderful.
I’m sending you hugs and love. Lots of hugs and love.
And always the same to you, Kass.
It’s a really cute apron. Worn on a badass chick, it’s like you’re channeling Katy Perry. The fact that it has such sentimental value means it’ll give you strength when you’re having a bad day.
And don’t worry, everyone identifies in some way with your irreplaceable missing piece in family life… But I’ll spare the comment section and not get all Bohemian Rhapsody on you!
Oh Lem, we’re only mock-mean because if a guy gives a girl frequent hugs, she takes them for granted and they begin to mean nothing, y’know? We have to be stingy with kind words for them to work. (Girls can get away with giving you hugs all the time, though, just not us.)
It is a cute apron, thanks. And you are right…no one wants empty hugs. I fel the same way about compliments…you should only give them if they are sincere.
I don’t like the people who try to force their mood on me, either. We’re human and we have emotions, let’s use them! Your story is heavy but you deal with it however makes you feel better while still maintaining a happy face for the people you DO want to spend Christmas with. In the meantime I think you’ve got some material for the fellas with a naughty chef fantasy - the glasses plus apron look is hot. And you look really tiny in that pic - good job because the rest of us have gained weight this season!
Don’t you worry, charlotte. I did some damage with the cookies and pie the past few days. Key lime is my weakness!
And thanks for your kind words.
Still reading, and you’re awesome. Love the little reindeer cupid towels…
And don’t worry, we’ll soon have moved on to everyone’s favourite overhyped self-esteem crushing holiday…New Year’s Eve!
They are MamaBear’s towels. This house is like a Christmas bomb, but I mean that in the nicest of ways.
hug from me to you.
I feel it.
“It is nothing and everything, a thing of the past yet highly present in the present.”
That’s exactly how I feel about my own situation with my father. He’s an alcoholic. This time of years conjures up many, many, many feelings and I’ve been BARELY holding on to my sanity this year. I’ve tried 10 times to sit down and write it out. To make a really, really well thought out blog post.. but it all comes out as whiny and annoying, so I save the draft, move on, and forget about it.
I almost burst into tears reading your post… still trying to keep those suckers in my head as I type this.. so I guess what I’m trying to say is that I totally understand.
I’m atheist as well, so that doesn’t much bode well for this time of the year.
:::::::::::::HUGS::::::::::::
It is so hard to talk about…I never wanna seem cliched so I have avoided it altogether. It is comforting to know you relate, but I wish you didn’t.
Nice Myspace picture, doll.
Who really needs to see my face anyway? I’m just looking for a good old fashioned pervert.
I can only just now relate. This time of year is such an incredible mixed bag of feelings. Each day we reach in, not knowing what we are holding and dreading the not knowing.
On the other hand, is there a back to that apron?
Haha, no back…dirty.
LOVE the apron. And love YOU! Can’t wait to see you once these silly silly holidays are over.
I am counting down the days until your arrival. No joke.
You are not alone in this, babydoll. I think that most people feel similarly around the holidays - some are just better at feigning glee than others.
Why don’t you and I make St. Patrick’s Day our ’signature’ holiday? Now THAT is the most wonderful time of the year…
Yes! Green beer and corned beef? I am in.
Lem -
Don’t apologise for hating the holidays - embrace your grinch and bah humbug to your heart’s content. I dislike the holidays as well. I have no particular reason. I just find them hypocritical, commercialized and generally over hyped.
My advice (of limited worth since its both free and unsolicited) is when faced with only a choice of sad or bad for moods - pick bad every time. Bitchy bothers everyone else. Weepy now - weepy sucks for the person crying as much as everyone else.
Hope you had a very bitchy christmas!
I like your thinking. It was moderately bitchy. I had a few moments.
There was a lifesavers commercial that used to make me cry every time I saw it. . . .won’t say which one because that’ll make me choke up again. . . .
All else aside, that’s an awesome apron. I say this as someone who has a bad habit of buying vintage aprons on the ebay.
It is so beautiful. I am almost afraid to use it.
I too, have come to dislike the holidays - it’s the time my fiance died. In fact, three years ago today. There IS something missing that no amount of faking or smiling will hide. My HEART knows there’s something wrong. And I refuse to act other than my heart feels. Otherwise, I get schizophrenic and weird. So, I march on, gaze at a few lights and either feel teary eyed or hateful. Never content. I’m hoping that in a few years, I might feel something else, but for now, it is what it is and it will remain that way until something changes. And if nothing changes, then so be it. Hang in there.
I am sorry about your loss. I hope you get through today with the help of people who love you. You hang in there, too.
I’m kind of meh about the holidays too; no family trauma, but I don’t abide crowds of frenzied Christmas shoppers. I just need to run some freakin’ errands but I can’t because the stores are all full of hostile stressy people! Grr.
The up side? Lots of parties with free booze.
Love the apron. My grandma had a similar one, as I recall. Did our grandmas not spill on their shirts?
I know-I always wonder how no one got anything on their chests…