My name is Lemmonex and I cook.
Food and I have a very tumultuous relationship, in that I love it and it loves to stick to my ass. I spent a large portion of my life overweight. Two years ago, I lost 65 pounds and a whole new world full of sexual conquests was opened to me. One of the harshest realities I have ever had to accept is I wasted far too much time working on my personality when I could have just laid off the queso.
This site consists largely of recipes, but also includes culinary-related musings and thoughts on DC restaurants from time to time. If you use my recipes, please link to me. The Baby Jesus hates people who steal.
My food-related likes are short ribs, pigs in a blanket, key lime pie and carrot cake. Coconut is my kryptonite. I like to drink and do just that on a very regular basis. Please don’t suggest joining AA; the warm embrace of a hangover is the one true constant in my life. I need those groggy, cotton-mouthed mornings like some of you need air…or love.
Non-foody likes include bad reality television, criminally high heels, the wrong kind of men, extremely violent movies, Rufus Wainwright, backrubs, facial scars, my MacBook and sexual politics. I am borderline obsessed with my hair and I own more make-up than a tranny in a beauty pageant. I dislike picky eaters, unsolicited advice, the color brown, tardiness, the dentist, self importance and Sandra Bullock. I have become increasingly ambivalent regarding politics; it is all a lie and they are all the same. Really. DC has embittered me further. Save yourself some trouble, pick one or two issues that are really important to you and just vote along those lines. The Dems win for me because I love abortion and gay sex.
And yes, fellas, I am single. You are actually probably much more screwed up than me, I just have (some of) my personal pain and inner turmoil printed on the interweb. If you read this and still find me charming, let’s run off and get married because I admit I am a handful and I pretty much need to take whoever can tolerate me. Just please don’t send me naked pictures; that freaks me out.
When you cut me, I bleed. If you don’t like what you see here, please move on. I am thick-skinned, but inside I just want to be loved. I am often sarcastic, prone to hyperbole, and self absorbed. I’m also a steadfastly loyal friend, charitable in spirit and a compassionate soul; I don’t need mean assholes trying to convince me otherwise. Also, half of what comes out of my mouth is complete and utter bullshit. We are all just trying to do our best here, kids, so play nice.
If you love me, or don’t want to admit in the comments you don’t know the difference between a filet and a t-bone, feel free to email me. I am an insecure narcissist and need your love, adoration and virtual hugs.
I’m also a big fan of key lime pie–it’s probably the only non-chocolate dessert that I eat semi-regularly. Not only because it’s tasty, but also because it is SOOOO easy. We should have a pie-off!
bettyjoan: I am totally in to that!! I am serious. I have actually been really hesitant to make a key lime pie, because if I screw it up, I will be SO upset.
Lemmonex,
Love your work. Women that love love to cook are Gods little gift. I also love to cook and will be trying some of the things I find here. I will cook for the simple joy that is good food and the fun that is cooking. It is wasted on my family but you and I know why we do it. Thank you!
Former alpha: Why, thanks! Make sure to let me know when you try anything!
Updated picture is yummy good.
I told you the photo was good.
I am a genius.
FA: Aww, you make me blush.
Arjewtino: Ok, you are right and I was wrong. I am, in fact, stunning and I should not have argued that.
Arjewtino:How long did it take you to convince her that Hot Girl+ Whip Cream=Doubleplusgood?
Cool! I’M the wrong kind of man AND I have a facial scar!
FA: I am a ham, though he is kind enough to not feel the need to pipe in with that. It does not take much encouraging.
JOAT: We are made for each other! Are you emotionally unavailable, as well? If so, please marry me…you have everything I need in a man.
I know that I’m physically unavailable since, you know, I’m an imaginary internetz person. Does that count?
I’m jonesing for a post, so I had to satisfy my fix by re-reading your about page. The new pic is hot, Lemmonex.
Aw, thanks Rothko. Next week–back and better than ever.
[...] Your Food Goddess [...]
Good job on not being a FATTY anymore. I think we need full body pics to be sure though. On top of this, you should probably show us your tits as well.
Sorry, don’t show my tits to douchebags. Have a lovely day, faceless internet coward.
Yeah, you kinda do look like Tina Fey, but obviously much hotter.
I think it may just be the picture, but either way, thanks!
Lemmonex, I’m a writer with Washingtonian.com, and I do interviews with local bloggers. Email me if you’d like to do one! eleaman (at) washingtonian.com
The second photo is awesome - it’s like a Nerve Personals profile shot. You need some hipster info about how you like knee socks and black and white photography to go with it.
Ew, then I would attract hipster boys. Not my thing.