Hating animals and the outdoors has rendered me undateable. 
If you are a single woman, you know what exactly what I am talking about. The dating landscape is so mired with cliches, down right predictable that I can practically peg what a guy is going to say on a first date (or in his online dating profile…yes, I dabble online) before I even meet him.
Single men love the outdoors. They want someone to go camping with and who enjoys the fresh air. It is an “essential”. Am I a crazy shut in? No, but camping ranks right below a colonic on things I want to have happen to me. Yes, camping happens to people. If someone wants to chase me around a god damn tipi in the woods to fulfill their Pocohontas fantasy, I am game but I sure as shit am not squatting in a hole on the regular. I don’t want to hike. This is why I live in a major metropolitan area.
And dogs! Men and their dogs. THEY LOVE THEIR DOGS. ”You have to love my dog”, they will say. Ya know what, dude? I may like your dog, I more likely will tolerate it and I might even fucking hate it. They show you pictures of their dog, expecting you to cream yourself. They tell you cutesey stories waiting for a hearty laugh. I have a heart and have loved some canines, but this is not the way to this girls heart. Show me a picture of your flat screen TV or your niece. Shit, show me a picture of the Guatamalan orphan you sponsor. This is way more likely to get me wet. I recently had a guy tell me his 5 year plan included owning an awesome dog. SO, let me get this straight…your goal is to be a cliche, but you are not even there yet.
And dudes who love cats? No thanks. I like my men with a penis, please.
They all say “I am just your average guy”. I don’t want average and I do not want to date someone who so easily bows down to the alter of average. God knows no one is truly special, we are never as unique as we think we are, but please try. Give me something, anything. And you hipsters who name bands I have never heard of or who tell tales of spending summers in Nepal washing the feet of the elderly? You are just as average, just as boring. An average guy takes off his khakis, fucks me missionary, drives me to the Olive Garden in his Ford Focus and sends me red roses the next day.
Maybe I am single because I am a judgmental bitch. Maybe I should hug a tree and a dog. Perhaps I should embrace the comfort of breadsticks and sensible fashion. But I can’t, I just can’t. Call me tough, call me rigid, call me undateable. I don’t care. Give me leather, give me the city, give me a steak, give me something new.
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A lot of people like average, and are perfectly content with that.
But why not strive harder? That house-in-the-burbs-with-a-dog-thing is how i was raised. It’s just not what I want. But knowing what you want is half the battle, yes?
Vie´s last blog ..Goals!
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You give yourself way to much credit. Are you so sure you would be at all dateable even if you loved camping and dogs?
I kid I kid. Maybe.
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Lemmonex Reply:
January 21st, 2010 at 10:33 am
Oh, there are many more reasons I am sure I am undateable. Readers of this blog and the realities of my life remind me every day of my shortcomings.
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Reality Check Reply:
March 12th, 2010 at 11:39 pm
Actually, this following article demonstrates the essential psychological reasons er, ‘women’ like you are ‘undateable’ -
Bird’s Eye View: Regrets Of An Old Feminist Hag…
… I hate the world for teaching me those lessons. I remember complaining about how my husband never grew up. But as the tears streamed down my face, I came to the conclusion that I had never grown up. I never learned about compromise, trust, tolerance, niceness. I was a bitch, pure and simple. I know now that being a bitch is not about strength or independence. Being a bitch is about being repellent, unpleasant, unhappy, and lonely. Being a bitch is nothing more than being a spoiled princess who is too selfish or stupid to accept the joy in life.
I had become a fat, unpleasant, middle-aged princess because I had refused to grow up. Sure, I had taken on grown-up responsibilities (marriage, career, house, motherhood) but at the core of my psyche was a 13-year-old girl who stamped her feet and whined when she didn’t get her way. Of course, I had stopped whining years ago but I simply replaced the whining with emotional manipulation and ornery bitchiness. No wonder I was still single and my two teenaged sons spent all their free time with their father. …
http://byrdeye.blogspot.com/2008/03/regrets-of-old-feminist-hag.html
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Confession: I <3 you.
Now that we've got that out of the way…………..
"Average" guys make me want to stab myself in the ribs with a blunt stick. I crave a man whose every move I cannot predict.
I know I'm single because I'm a judgmental bitch, but I prefer the term "picky". I'm ok with that.
T´s last blog ..Feeling better already
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You’re picky. That’s perfectly acceptable and who you are, but that’s why you are single, not because DC is loaded to the gills with universally undateable men. The same thing can be said for plenty of men in this city who demand swimsuit models with camping, dog, and blowjob obsessions. Like TJ Maxx, you’ll have to dig through ALOT of racks of garbage before you find that one piece of Haute Couture.
The funny thing is, one can have some absolute NO DEAL requirements and then suddenly you meet somebody and you drop the dealbreaker. I was generally anti pet. Now I have three because I really dig my girl. She was anti-kid, now she’s living with two because she likes me.
That’s just how the ball bounces (just so I don’t miss out on the overused cliche meme).
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Online dating is horrifying. I went on a date with a guy whose favorite band was Nickelback. THERE WAS NO SECOND DATE.
longredcape´s last blog ..The Chimichanga Incident
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Eh, BH beat me to it again. But I’ll give it a go anyway.
I had this boss one time (he wanders into the news now and then, but that’s all I’ll say about him) who simultaneously told us to “swing for the fences” and that “failure is not an option.” He needs to work on his metaphor comprehension, because those two things are opposites. FWIW, it’s come back to bite him in the past couple of years, hence the news items.
Those 2 phrases track exactly to the problem of Average Joes. If you’re picky, it reduces the number of choices, most of whom will (unless your criteria are unusual) be taken and fiercely guarded. If lots and lots of guys fit the bill, it’s because you’re good with the usual. Swing for the fences a lot, strike out a lot.
This overlaps another problem, the issue of underpromising and overdelivering. It’s a good thing to do, because good surprises are good, and the harsh judgment of women converts it into an actual survival tactic. Trouble is, it’s really easy to overdo, and if you sound too boring to get to know, how will she find out there’s more to you? Lads need to think about this a little more deeply. Some have, I’m sure: You know, I believe, another blogger or 2 who will gleefully go into depth about this, given very minimal prodding.
What I wonder is why people describe themselves at all, unless directly asked – which will probably get you a description badly done and made up on the spot, and may explain the “I’m average” thing as a simple dodge. I very much doubt I’m average, and have no real idea what average means. If it means what the post’s penultimate paragraph says it means, I would hate to be average, and wonder what “below average” looks like.
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LOL…. amen to this. I’ve done the online dating thing as well and def agree it’s all the same- gotta love the outdoors, sports.. blah blah blah. Always makes me feel like if I’m not ready to climb a mountain every wknd, then forget it. Oh yeah- and that I have to look good doing it. Uh… I prefer to get sweaty in other ways.
I love this post. I too feel so undateable.
Amy´s last blog ..The Unknown.
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So how long do you wait before you add this one to the Hit Brigade?
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I don’t know that I have much to add to this except to reiterate some of what has already been said. You need to know what you want. And when you get the things that are important to you, and you love the person they’re in, it won’t matter much that he loves cats, and camping, and doesn’t like to go out as much as you do. It will matter that he can cook you a meal that will blow your mind, and that he is more patient than you’ll ever be, that he looks amazing in his custom-made leather jacket, and that he talks to his mom every week even when he doesn’t want to.
But you know all that. Especially the part about how I HATED CATS and I was never a pet person and now I have two that I actually, um, love.
Also, for the record, I’m pretty sure that Dudes Who Love Cats are not easy to find. So, cliche? Really? I think not. In fact one might argue that it takes MORE balls to care about with a feisty, clawing feline than a whore of a dog who will be anybody’s best friend at the mere pat of their head.
Caitlin´s last blog ..Sevilla (Scrubby, juicy, orange soap)
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whenever a guy messages me on a dating site and it says crap about loving the outdoors, hiking, nature, or mountain biking, i don’t even bother to respond because i know i am absolutely not the girl they’re looking for. we might have other similar interests, but if the summary of your interests rounds up to these things, i know we’re way different. it’s really just of no interest to me. i’m more content with the guy who wants to dork around at an art show or jam out on the guitar and slam a few beers for 3 hours.
gingermandy´s last blog ..After all, we are the interwebs…
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I think probably some of those men actually are dateable, but they aren’t good enough writers to convey who they are. Or they’re afraid of seeming odd, outside the norm. Which I guess makes them less than ideal. You are undateable for the Joe Normal guys, not because you wouldn’t appeal to them, but because they would bore the everloving crap out of you, as you well know. You are single because you need someone exceptional, and the exceptional ones are few and far between, but they are there, even online. You will meet someone who embraces being outside and more than the norm, and he will be so incredibly delighted with you and who you are, right here and right now, no changes.
Lemon Gloria´s last blog ..The boots
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I love dogs. But this “camping” you speak of- is that whent hey don’t have room service?
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Ugh, try living in Colorado and not liking to camp or fucking snowboard. I’ll even compromise on the hiking thing because, whatever, it’s a great leg workout, and I like to be outdoors but EVERY FUCKING MAN IN COLORADO LOVES TO FUCKING CAMP AND SNOWBOARD.
I’m not frustrated with that though…um think I’d do better if I moved to DC?
Just A Girl´s last blog ..Not to be your mom, but please listen
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God all of the men here are obsessed with the outdoors too. It’s insane. I should make an online dating drinking game where you drink every time there is a picture of a guy and his dog or saying he likes the outdoors. Hilarious.
Jessica´s last blog ..Winter blues miss list
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I just fell off my chair laughing!
Woolly´s last blog ..In a nut shell
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Little-known fact: The word camping is actually a synonym for sex in the male brain. So telling a guy you don’t like camping is going to put them off because what they hear is “I don’t like sex.” So naturally the thing to be concerned about is guys who don’t like camping- which is the rub for ladies such as yourself who don’t like camping.
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well said. we all like what we like, and there’s just no reason to settle.
period.
kitty´s last blog ..tennessee: notes from the frontier
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Also, men are a lot like dogs, which may explain the love.
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Man oh man.
The best thing about the outdoors is there are no whiny chicks around. Do these guys WANT you outdoors with them? For most of us it’s an escape from the fems.
And my cat just sits there for the occasional chin rub – no maintenance.
Sheesh. If all you want from a guy is traditional sexual positions and flowers make that known and you will have a line out the door!
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Lemmonex Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 9:58 am
You reading comprehension nseems to be lacking but thanks for your thoughts.
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Sorry to see your blog ending, but you rightly have more fidelity to your life than the blog. I hope your new job takes you to NYC occasionally… I promise, no man I know gives a sh-t about dogs or the outdoors. But we are not the committing kind, either. You have to choose your poison.
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Absolutely, positively, hands-down, one of the best posts I’ve read. The Ford focus guy who takes you to the Olive Garden was pure golden verb-age.
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I promise, no man I know gives a sh-t about dogs or the outdoors. But we are not the committing kind, either. You have to choose your poison.
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You have to choose your poison
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I love dogs. But this “camping” you speak of- is that whent hey don’t have room service?
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It’s really sad to hear this experience – hopefully by now you’ve found a man who is man enough to be themselves instead of this crap and dull vision of men that seems to have been created for us.
It’s no surprise though, we’ve been taught by the media that women want sensitive, kind and caring men and we wrongly assume that this means we can’t also be strong, independent and free-thinking.
Men are very simple indeed – everything needs to be spelled out in minute detail – if you ask for sensitive and kind, we focus entirely on that and you also get dull and boring too. If you ask for a man to be a man, then you get a macho, chauvinistic, drunk.
Do your next man a favour and write down a list of all the qualities you want of him, then spend one month very gently introducing one of those things into his life!!!
Or better still, write the list and then allow space in your life for him to appear…
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