I feel stuck lately in that I don’t feel that there is anything to say.
I am happy enough. My job is good. Nothing is wrong.
My annoyances are even mundane; a frustrating coworker, a disappointing number on the scale, a few duds in my social circle. Nothing special.
I am…existing. I am here. My existence exists.
I wake up everyday, earn a pay check, meet friends. I probably drink too much to combat the drudgery and over plan to fill in the quiet moments.
I am here, but I am not.
If I am honest with myself, I know what it is: I am lonely.
I said it. I said the thing every single woman should never say. I look around at friends with their boyfriends and their husbands and their babies and I wonder what the fuck happened, how I am where I am, how I have failed.
I am not desperate. I could be married. There have been men, but they weren’t the men, the ones. I know that. Despite all the questions and the second guessing and the doubts of others, I have yet to meet the one that can be my one.
I don’t lack in love. Though I exhibit highly unlovable qualities at time, there is an abundance of affection in my life. I love my friends back so hard I worry I’ve tapped out, if they get all that I have.
I know that isn’t true. I have more, my heart bursts. The empty bed, the unheld hand, the unstroked hair…it’s hard. I want someone, the inside jokes, the building of a family. I want the one thing I cannot control or will or force.
It is mundane, this loneliness, but it is there.
I am existing.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
“I love my friends back so hard….The empty bed, the unheld hand, the unstroked hair…it’s hard.”
so with you, lex.
although, at least you didn’t think you met THE ONE (with all your friends in agreement) who ended up being gay.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Oh hun, I am sorry. Blah.
[Reply]
It’s as if you entered my brain and pulled this out of it. I feel you, lady.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Tides have to change…I hope.
[Reply]
I think no matter how much people deny it, everyone has that loneliness.
I hope the person who deserves you and your amazing heart will find his way to you soon…because you deserve to be loved, probably more than some people I know.
<3
[Reply]
PQ Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Probably = Possibly.
My own loneliness has taken away brain power with tears lately.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
That is kind. Thank you.
[Reply]
Reading my mind. And I hate that when I think it, I feel so weak. Like I am not strong enough to be on my own. Because that’s not what it’s about. It’s about companionship and about knowing what the other is thinking with just a look. And the friendship that is like no other.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Right; I hate feeling weak or pathetic because I want this, but I do. I want the closeness.
[Reply]
well if you’re feeling down, doing nothing won’t solve anything. you have to get out there, be open minded, and make new friends. it’s definitely easier to say than do, but this time of year is prime for meeting new people. there are tons of holiday parties, this could lead to something.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I am not doing nothing…did I imply that?
[Reply]
alliemarien Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
hmm i don’t know we’re all in similar boats. just keep swimming?
[Reply]
and can you just keep reading my mind and write for me? you’re much more eloquent.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I am a very good mind reader.
Right now I am reading that your stomach hurts from too much junk food. Perhaps brownies…am I right?
[Reply]
cavy Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 9:21 am
ummm so i totally had to go back and see if i’d twittered about them. i did, but i was in crazy shock there for a second, hahaha.
[Reply]
So honest and wonderful…I am pretty much lost for words.
I don’t know if I’m necessarily one of the friends you love so hard, but I know that I just adore you!
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
You are delightful, my dear.
[Reply]
Oh, Lexa. I love you to death, and I am proud of you for posting something so vulnerable. I just hope and know that somewhere, there is some guy looking for a girl who likes cooking and drinking and rough sex and will hold your hand and stroke your hair and love you better than you could ever dream. I’ve been lonely and I’ve had those empty bed nights, and I know how difficult it can be. Sending you my love and good thoughts tonight, friend.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Thanks, Amy. I hope he is out there, I do.
[Reply]
Everyone feels vulnerable, hollow-hearted and aching for warmth and familiarity at times, but at least you didn’t settle for a manufactured familiarity. It hurts. It’s hard. It blows. But you have you, and you’re a catch. It’ll be better soon!
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Thanks Sofia, and welcome. You are right; being lonely when not alone is far worse.
[Reply]
That’s the kind of honesty that leads to something great. Use it.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 6th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I will. At least I hope I will.
[Reply]
I want to say something comforting and witty but all I can come up with is that I’m here for you and I hope an awesomely wonderful man walks into your life who will love you and care about you immensely. You deserve to be happy and never feel lonely.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Thanks, Marie. You are here and thats awesome enough.
[Reply]
I appreciate your honesty and I empathize with your feelings. I’ve been there myself, and not that long ago. Although I currently blessed to have someone speical, I’m not married and I don’t have kids like 95% of my friends do…
I’m hoping someone wonderful comes along for you and surpasses your wants!
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Always seems like everyone is trying to keep up, huh?
[Reply]
I know that feeling and frankly, eff the people who tell you not to admit it. There is no reason not to be honest about it. I will tell you that you’re way too amazing not to find someone awesome.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:43 am
It is just how I feel–and how a lot of us feel.
[Reply]
I’m so glad you said this now. The more you speak your truth, the more opportunity for change – or so I’ve been told. I know you know you are so not alone in this sentiment. Thank you for speaking for all of us.
Btw, if you are really stuck on stuff to say, check out the best09 thing over at gwenbell – there aren’t any requirements to it, but I’ve found it has gotten me writing again when lately I’ve been so silent all I want is to scream.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Prompts always help. Thanks, Emma.
[Reply]
This is… exactly what I wanted to write right now but couldn’t find the words or the balls to say. I feel this, too, and it feels shameful to admit – as though the lack of a a “someone else” is what’s keeping me from really LIVING rather than simply existing. But it’s human, right? It is.
Hang in there. <3
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Right…like I am living but I just want things to be different.
[Reply]
You seem confident enough to already know these things, but they’re always nice to hear. So…I’ll say them. You’re young, pretty, funny, intelligent…and I don’t even “know” you. ^_^ You’ve got time.
I don’t know what you believe, but I believe in God, and that He has a plan for everyone. I seriously doubt He’d make someone as wonderful as you, and plan for you to be single all your life.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Thanks, Heather. That is so nice.
I am an atheist, but I have hop in the Universe.
[Reply]
Yup, i hear you here. It’s just wanting the companionship and the person to share stuff with. Bah!
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Right…the someone.
[Reply]
Even in a marriage, it can be lonely at times. But don’t settle. EVER!
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I won’t, I won’t.
[Reply]
Yep. Just. . . .yep.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Yep…
[Reply]
I love you so hard in the face.
And I have a feeling your wedding will be my favorite I ever attend… I just know how perfect it will be.
xoxo
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Can you imagien the food!! It will be awesome.
[Reply]
Yes, difficult words to say indeed. Always reminds me of that “Sex and the City” scene when Carrie says, “I’m lonely. I can feel it. The loneliness—it’s palpable.”
We are strong women to say it aloud.
And I think you know, my dear, that I know exactly what you’re saying.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:56 am
It is hard to say but it is truth.
[Reply]
I think that admitting this outloud makes you stronger. As women, we shouldn’t be ashamed of what we want or willing to settle for anything less than what we deserve. So thanks for setting the example. For speaking the truth. For pulling the words right out of my mouth.
I’m in a place now where someone holds my hand from time-to-time and occasionally strokes my hair; it’s lonely, though, and I need to tell myself that it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes me feel lonely.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 7:57 am
Being lonely when not alone is even worse. Been there.
[Reply]
I especially feel this way over the holidays. It seems every where I look, there are happy couples holding hands, picking out their tree, walking in the snow, even fighting at the grocery store. I want that so badly sometimes it aches. And what I wouldn’t give for a few minutes of someone holding me. I think it tastes like bliss. Hang in there. I feel the same way. You’re not alone.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:03 am
The holidays make it worse, I agree. I am not a holiday person to begin with but it is another reminder.
[Reply]
Ugh. This killed me. First of all, I think you are super brave and have super giant balls for putting this out there so honestly. As evidenced by the comments, you’re not alone in this – not even a little. I know we’ve had this conversation, but it bears repeating: I’ve been exactly where you are and I still cannot find the words to adequately express how it makes me feel to hear this coming from you. It’s like experiencing some kind of painful parallel universe or something. That feeling of knowing you won’t settle, that you HAVEN’T settled, and yet being so ready for the right thing to come along – and that there is really nothing you can do about it. GAH. I know. I KNOW. I just…yes. I completely empathize. For whatever it’s worth, again, you are NOT alone in this, and there is much hair stroking and inside joke sharing and communicating-with-but-a-glance-ing and perfect babies wearing leopard print onesies in your future. There just is, you have to trust me on this. Because you’re awesome. And you’re even more awesome for admitting all of this and not settling. Big fat hugs xoxo
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:06 am
And big fat hugs to you. I know you know and just knowing you know helps.
[Reply]
Whenever women talk about that kind of stuff I always think of the Frou Fou song “Holding out for a hero.” Chances are your not going to find a well adjusted fella half smashed at a bar, the early days of being a young profesh are passed. Try a sport or hobby, kickball, hashing,soccer, hell, even a book club if there’s one that attracts the fellas. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for unsolicited advice for today. Cheers and buck up.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Buck up? I don’t think voicing how I feel warrants a buck up, nor a tutorial on how to find men….but ok.
[Reply]
Remember, George, no man (or woman) is a failure who has friends!
Clarence
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 8:09 am
So true. Thanks.
[Reply]
As a single woman I was there. As a married woman… well I’m occasionally still there.
As a woman, I feel it is important to give yourself permission to go ahead and be lonely. To accept it as just one other way to feel, to allow it to be how you feel today, and maybe feel differently tomorrow.
[Reply]
Could be worse. You could be a man and absolutely forbidden, on pain of Y-chromasome revocation, to suggest such a thing is possible.
Also: There is no more desperate loneliness than being alone while in bed with someone. No way out, no moral option, no way to fix it. Not that I would know or anything.
That said, just because a thing could be worse does not mean that it should not be better. Certainly for someone like you, so willing to give and love. Haven’t the slightest idea why no one has said, “This is too good not to have forever.” Maybe you’re too dang picky. Doubt it, somehow. But he’s there, out there, a face, a voice you want to wake up to for the rest of your life. It’s not that I have faith in providence, karma or other cosmic justice of dubious reliability; it just seems to be the way it should be.
[Reply]
I’m sorry you’re down. You are a great person and deserve a great match. Maybe it’s time to try something new–hobby, meet-up, speed dating, whatev. Either it will lead to someone great or it will give you great blog material. Hopefully, both.
[Reply]
I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with admitting to being lonely. Or admitting that you’d like to have someone special to share in your experiences and your bed. It’s not like you can’t live without a man, just that you’d rather have a good one.
And a good one you will find, I’m sure.
I’m struggling myself right now because I have found a good one and…what in hell do I do with him? It’s weird and bizarre to be with someone who’s so nice to me and treats me so well and I’m pretty sure I don’t appreciate it properly as mostly I roll my eyes and think, “Why are you being so fucking nice?” Yep, I’m fucked up. Great!
[Reply]
If only we were rock stars (like real ones, not just ones in our minds), we could write some good shit about this topic.
[Reply]
i so feel you on this as i can see myself in a similar situation.
but one thing i don’t like though that you said is “how you have failed” – you haven’t you’re where you are today for a reason, something else is coming, something else is in the works.
and i’m not talking about a poo.
[Reply]
I’m so there. Every single word I could have written (though not nearly as eloquently or gracefully). Bravo for putting it out there. And as someone who has also expressed this to people, the advice about where to find someone — unhelpful, and totally not the point. Also if anyone tells you that it’ll find you when you stop looking, tell them to fuck off. You are beautiful and you deserve someone amazing. Don’t settle for anything less.
[Reply]
The gf and I checked out George Clooney’s latest, “Up in the Air.” We loved it. Its a funny but bittersweet movie. There is a very subtle scene when Clooney is seeing Alex (Vera Farmiga), the woman he’s having a casual relationship with away to her gate. She says, “call me when you’re lonely” and Clooney in his typical charming fashion responds, “I’m lonely” with a wry smile on his face. She smiles but turns away saying nothing and then you notice in that instant beneath Clooney’s own smirk that he was being genuine. Its a very vulnerable moment.
I’d recommend it except maybe you’re not in the right “place” to enjoy it so…go out raise hell and call us when you make bail.
[Reply]
i love you. it’s going to happen. you deserve all of the happiness in the world. and believe me ive been there, and sometimes still am.
[Reply]
wow. Almost everyday I end up thinking what it would be like if I hadn’t met my wife. Thank you for your openness…..
also thank you because I’m working on my latest play “The Devil Comes to Dinner” and was quite moved by this and it really helped me write (it is about two people struggling for the one.) I’ll try not to steal your words but the sentiment will be in the play now
[Reply]
Oh honey.. big hugs. It’s so so hard to be there.. to know that you’re living and existing and pretending not to look for him. You live, you drink, you makeout, you drink some more, and then you lay in bed wondering what the fuck you’re going to do next. But, you keep going. It’s all you can do.
You and Lilu told me he’d come.
That’s why I know that he’s coming to you and I can say that with 100% full certainty. I’m thankful he came later in life though.. I got a chance to live my life and learn all my life lessons before him. It makes a big difference.
[Reply]
i applaud you for being so honest with yourself.
and the whole host of us strangers.
[Reply]
The holidays are super tough for us single girls. The depression and sadness about being single is definitely multiplied. But you have a good support system and you’ll work through it.
[Reply]
Oh, lovely Lexa. This was me for so long, and it is achey. I know that when he comes along he is going to be amazing. It’s just a question of when.
[Reply]
If I didn’t have booze and the occasional friend, I would be pretty damn lonely too. Like you, there have been people, just not the person. Complicated creatures we are.
[Reply]
I feel this way too often lately and I hate it. Thanks for your honesty, which in turn opened others to being honest in the comments. In a certain sense it is really comforting to know that there are many out there who also feel (or have felt) this way at one time or another and are still so strong and hopeful.
[Reply]
Hi Lexa! Before you read this.. I am entirely too honest. You don’t seem to care about “too honest”, so here goes. Okay, I realize this is not your 500th post and I’ve been glancing (I’d be completely lying if I said reading) over your blog for a while now. It hadn’t quite hit me yet, but I love your comments and I love the shout outs and comments of others about you. Today, because of your 500th, I went digging. I’ve LOVED, LOVED, LOVED your posts. And this one? Shine just sent me and now, I’m tearing up. In a good way. Tears for someone understanding. Tears for someone who gets it and puts it into words better than I ever could.
“I want the one thing I cannot control or will or force.” – tears
So hello. Thank you for writing. And I’m sorry for taking so long to say hello.
[Reply]