Female friendships are largely misunderstood and poorly represented and exceedingly complex. I’ve witnessed and been part of enough fiery crashes of female passion and emotion to know it is to not be taken lightly. It is a complicated thing.
When a woman breaks up with a boyfriend or her marriage disintegrates, we know how to behave. We rally, we comfort, we trash talk the no good dog. A few years back I had a severe rift in a very close friendship. It caused me more pain that any man ever had and I’d be as bold to argue that it is the only true heartbreak I have ever suffered; there is still a tiny cracked corner of my soul from this lost friendship. With men and women, it is tangible, understandable. Romantic love has a set of steps and identifiers. Friendship between women is a bit trickier.
With men, we love. We trust. We share hopes and dreams and believe we can build something lasting. We hope they can see through the bullshit and defenses and see who you are under it all.
Girlfriends know who you are without having to look past anything. They see your fears and accept them. They know the bullshit and defenses are all part of the package, they understand it is hard earned. They are trusted with your scariest hopes and wildest dreams and they hold on to them tightly.
Your best girlfriend knows when you have pinned your hopes on the wrong guy or have wedded yourself to the wrong dream. She pushes you to be better, to work harder, do more. She is an anchor, a rock, a tether, but never, ever a weight.
It isn’t about Cosmopolitans and cat fights and shopping sprees…but sometimes it is. It is about frivolity and drunken phone calls and “God, his dick was small.” It is anger more passionate that yours when you don’t get the job and jubilation equal to your own when you catch a break. It is about holding hands when you are scared beyond belief or elated beyond your wildest dreams.
It is unwavering, blindly supportive and without agenda. It is about home and knowing when you are with them you always are there…home.
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Beautiful. As usual, you have a way of capturing the essence of something that is inherently complicated and misunderstood. I am proud to have you as a girlfriend. Brava.
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Well, it WAS small.
I love you, chica. Every last damn bit of you.
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Just this morning, my best friend texted me to tell me that she’d been puking for an hour and would I please for the loveofgod get her some cigarettes and seven up. And just like that, I did. Because who else can bring you carcinogens and sick pop all at the same time? I love my girlfriends with a fiery passion that I will never share with a man.
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This is something I’ve thought a lot about recently…After being screwed over by a girlfriend 4 years ago, it’s taken me four years to even build relationships with other women…My best friend who was there for me day in and day out for 4 years was the one person that gave me my faith back in relationships with girlfriends.
It’s tricky but it is so worth it. True girlfriends will hold you up when you aren’t even aware that you are falling
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LOVE this post. And bettyjoan hit the nail on the head – this is not an easy thing to capture, and yet you’ve done it. Again. Good on ya, lady.
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Incredible. I agree with every word.
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yup. that’s totally it, right there.
so lucky to have you as a girlfriend.
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Just lovely. I have the most beautifully clutivated friendship with my best friend (22 years and counting) and I have also suffered the tremendous loss of two deep and meaningful friendships. I have seriouls friends, bar friends, frenemies (not by choice, friends of friends, but still), shopping friends, brunch friends, hungover lie on the couch and eat pizza friends, you name it. Every friendship is complex and needs to be nurtured in it’s own unique way.
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This is my first time reading your blog. I consider myself lucky that it was sent to me today. You NAILED female friendships on the head. It was beautiful and I cried tears of joy that I’m lucky enough to have a few of these amazing women in my life. Thank you.
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I couldn’t agree more. You’re an excellent friend btw
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Nobody could have said it better. Just like everyone else has said, you’ve captured exactly what a female friendship is.
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Well said, Lexa. For the longest time in my life, I didn’t really have any female friends because watching my sister and her “friends” backstab and boyfriend-steal and whatever else made me think, “Oh, that is SO not worth it.” I cultivated a wonderful group of male buddies and thought that I was happy with that. But about 6 years ago, I met this kick-ass chick at work who just floored me with her sense of humor and awesomeness. In all the ensuing years, that lady has been my go-to, my rock and my best friend. She was the maid of honor at my wedding, made a wonderful toast at the reception, and I don’t know what I would do without her. She lives in DC now and I live in Quebec but I know she’s got my back and I’ve got hers.
Best of all? She and my husband have conspired to have her come up here for my birthday this month because he knows I miss hanging out with her.
When you find good female friends, you hold onto them for dear life.
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i’m very happy that you are my girlfriend and don’t worry we are never going to break up.
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Yes, yes, and yes.
I love my girlfriends – and I agree, fights with girlfriends are every bit as soul wrenching as fights with your boyfriend. And it’s so nice that there’s no pretending, no trying to change yourself for your girlfriends – you can just . . . be.
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Yes. Female relationships are so much more intense and nuanced than most relationships with men. it’s quite extraordinary, when you really think about it.
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Beautiful. And true. xo
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And to add…every day (literally) I feel so lucky that I have the friendships I do…and the family friendships that I do…but even as someone with soulmate best friends (I would say I have a lot of best friends–4 of them SOULMATE best friends)–I still mourn the loss of one of my closest friends about 6 years ago. It still hurts to think about it…and I am the one who ended the friendship.
Female friendship is often misunderstand…by men and by women who cannot get along with other women.
It can be a hideous thing when bad and the most beautiful thing in the world when right.
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This is the kind of relationship I have with my sisters. I have friends of the female variety, but none are as close to me as my sisters. They are my best friends (yaknow, besides my husband).
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Oh, I loved this. I think this bond is what makes it harder when really close between-girls friendships change or drift. With a guy, you follow those “steps” and eventually move on, telling yourself that he wasn’t The One anyway. With friendship like you describe, it is SO much harder to let go.
This part, about the men we date – “We hope they can see through the bullshit and defenses and see who you are under it all.”
No shit, right?
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This is a nice.
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Toe Reply:
November 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Ode to friendship.
Stupid enter key!
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This is beautiful. I immediately called my best friend to tell her I loved her because no one in the world cheers louder in my corner then she does.
Thank you for capturing just what true friendship is all about.
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You hit the nail on the head. I’m glad you’re my friend, friend.
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What a great post. You’re so dead on with your words here. Great reminder of the best part of girlfriends.
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Amen. Wonderful post. I could never figure out how my ex’s relationships with his friends basically revolved around playing games or watching TV shows together. Where’s the commiseration, the unconditional love, the friggin’ eye contact when you talk? I’d be totally lost without my girlfriends.
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Ah, notice how only the women chimed up…we get it. Thanks for sharing and reading as always.
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DF Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Everything I ever learned about girl friendships I learned from the Hills or Gossip Girl so how can I respond when you shatter my worldview with this post?!
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It’s nice to hear from fellow girls that recognize the importance of girlfriends. I pity women who say “I just don’t like girls…”
Sorry to hear about the loss of your friendship. Is there any chance of mending it?
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Another post that makes you one of my favorite bloggers. Thank you.
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I cant wait to be home. With my rock.
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Of course I’m not crying right now…I
‘m so glad that we’re friends.
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Another great post! This post absolutely captures friendships between women. I lost a best friend a year ago under bizarre and complicated circumstances, and I can truly say that her departure from my life was worse than any breakup with a guy ever was or could be. It just left a gaping, painful hole in my heart and life. Made me question everything I thought we shared, knew about her and myself. As sad as it was (and still is) this post also made me thankful for the girlfriends I DO have, who are amazing and strong, and never cease to amaze me with their love and support for me. I am sharing this post with them today. Keep up the great writing, you are amazing!
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I could not agree more. It’s funny to think about how I’ve healed and mended from relationships, but to this day, “breakups” with female friends still cut me to the core.
Great post.
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I can so identify with your comments about the end of a female friendship. And here I thought I was the only one with a broken corner of my heart.
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Oh yes, I kept nodding, the loss of a female friendship is definitely the worst I ever been through. Still hurts.
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If you have that kind of deep friendship then she feel the same too. True friendship never breaks easily, except of course when both are not letting their pride out of the way.
Be frank Madam. Talk to her and tell her how you feel, then thats it. Conflicts are inevitable with peoples who truly care for one another.
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Good read Lexa, thank you!
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Your words are poetic and truthful, thanks for sharing. This post makes me want to give my best friend a hug.
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My girlfriend ViolinChick and I give or send each other flowers. Why? Just because. I never thought about it before, but female friends do have an intensity and caring that can’t be matched. I gotta call her today…
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your post and all the wonderful comments, literally brought tears to my eyes.
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Howdy! Fantastic idea, but can this truly perform?
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