It has been nice taking Fridays off from blogging. It has also been flattering receiving complaints about not blogging on Fridays. I’ve decided I am going to use this space this week, and maybe more in the future, to reshare an old post. I am feeling the holiday blahs set in and I was reminded of this post from last year…I buried it so no one would read it, but perhaps it is time to come out of hiding.
———————————————-
A few weeks back I got incredibly pissy with a coworker who told me to smile. I asked him if I was his doll. He didn’t know how to react, but I hope he felt embarrassed.
It chafes me when I feel like people are telling me how to feel or the manner in which they feel I should act. I think when someone says “Smile” or “cheer up” is always more about them. People don’t want to be confronted with difficult or hard feelings, but I don’t really feel like it is my job to be a ray of sunshine day in and day out just because someone wants a pretty face to look at.
Every year I am told I should be a better sport about the holidays, that it is a beautiful and wonderful time of year. Every year, I resent this just a tiny bit, because it is a day I don’t think I will ever love and why should I pretend just to make someone happy? Largely, I think I feel this way because I am just not wired to love this most magical time of the year…I am a cynic and an avowed atheist with a bitchy streak. Christmas isn’t made for people like me.
Yet of course there is another piece of the puzzle I know I cannot ignore. I haven’t talked to my biological father nor the paternal side of my family for 12 years. I wouldn’t say it is a secret, but merely something I don’t discuss with much frequency. It is nothing and everything, a thing of the past yet highly present in the present.
A large event that sent the walls tumbling took place on Christmas Eve many years ago. The details are boring and relatively inconsequential. Bitching about them makes me feel whiny and damaged; I know far worse things have happened to people, but this doesn’t change the fact that it is the constant boogeyman in the room every Christmas. I can go months without thinking about him, them, and all the pain, but this time of the year it is lurking around every corner.
I guess I am slipping this in now because I feel it is safe; no one is reading this week, so for those of you who are I am trusting you to be gentle. This is why I hate Christmas, why I have acted a little serious lately, and why I kind of suck this time of year in general. I am so incredibly grateful that my mom married a man that I consider to be the only real, loving and caring father I have ever known, but Christmas will never be a time of pure joy and wonderment for me. I can barely remember a Christmas that wasn’t made damp by a few tears.
I am a bit of a bear to be around this time of year because I will always feel like a little part of me is missing or perhaps even gone forever; if you are missing something, it is implied it can be found again. I don’t think I can ever get certain parts of me back, but I have somehow managed to fill those gaps over time. Yet, like a phantom chunk of my heart, those pieces still throb from time to time, reminding me of what I am without.
However, this year I was able to have some good moments and squeeze out a few tears of happiness. My grandma handed down an apron she had sewn for my beloved great grandma and I was overcome when I saw it. The tears welled up immediately; it was unexpected and perfectly appropriate. I know I am going to wear it year round, it’s holiday theme mocking me every time I cook a meal. I really want to believe in the future the tears will be of joy. This year was a step in the right direction. Maybe next year those will be the only tears.
6:12 am on November 13th, 2009
I like your skirt.
[Reply]
Lemmonex Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 6:53 am
It is an apron…did you read the post? It was the whole point.
[Reply]
Malnurtured Snay Reply:
November 13th, 2009 at 10:59 am
For some reason, I picture aprons as covering the whole body – y’know, loop over the neck bit.
[Reply]
7:00 am on November 13th, 2009
Hehe. I looked at the picture and was “Oh My Gosh! I have to ask her where she got that skirt.” And then I realized it was an apron. And my awe was even more inspired. I don’t think we’re all wired to love the holidays. Mine will forever be tainted by death and tears. But I’m hoping with this new baby around, I might change my mind a bit. Dunno. I’m open.
[Reply]
7:18 am on November 13th, 2009
My father passed away a week before Christmas and a year later my best friend, MacArthur the Scottie dog, did the same thing. Needless to say the holidays haven’t held much attraction for me since then. I completely understand not loving “the holidays”. Hope you make it through with minimum tension.
[Reply]
7:57 am on November 13th, 2009
This is why we are friends. I actually own a shirt that says Bah Humbug.
The only good thing about the holidays is it’s an excuse to drink.
[Reply]
8:31 am on November 13th, 2009
I’m with Maxie on holidays being an excuse to drink… heavily.
In any event, thank you Lexa for re-sharing this post (as I’m a new fan of yours). I feel very similar in my outlook towards the holidays. It’s just not a cheery time for me. Years of divorced parents battling over visitation (the only time it ever seemed to matter to my real dad) and the constant manipulation of my mother made Christmases horrible in memory.
One year, on Christmas Eve my mother had nowhere for me to sleep. So I slept in a fucking CHAIR in the living room. I was in my 20s, and apparently didn’t deserve the very least a blow-up mattress or something.
I take this as an opportunity to spend holidays elsewhere, and obviously, more manipulation and guilt trips go along with that — so the crappiness never seems to subside. Every year, I hope it is different. I try really hard to enjoy everything, but my heart hangs heavy that it’s just not a time of year that I like to celebrate. Or remember.
I’m hoping having (finally) detached from my crazy mother’s side of my family, there is some hope. I’m on year one. I wish it were twelve — it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartbreak especially from the last couple years.
One year I will get my wish of retreating to a cabin in the middle of nowhere Montana. One year.
Thanks again for the post. I find some solace in that I’m not the only one who feels the “blahs” this time of year.
[Reply]
8:31 am on November 13th, 2009
You’re totally right about people who say “smile”. I usually say “You’re not the boss of me” or “I don’t want to” because I’m not going to fake it for those morons!!
Personally I love Christmas, but luckily for me my parent’s divorces and re-marriages just added families to go visit and MORE PRESENTS. (haha) Right now I technically have 5 grandmas and 7 grandpas.
[Reply]
8:46 am on November 13th, 2009
The paternal issue is why the holidays are different for me, too. My memories of most of our holidays are the fights over which parent got us; the cops that showed up at the door when the fight didn’t go as planned…
The holidays are fine. I like them; I love the time I get to spend with people during them. But they are not exactly the mythical days I imagine they’re supposed to be.
[Reply]
9:03 am on November 13th, 2009
I have a very similar family history- I haven’t spoken to my biological father in well over a decade. He has no idea that I’m married or even where I live, he’ll never see or meet or even know about his grandchildren, once I have them.
But it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t cause me any pain and I feel no regret.
Anymore. I did for a long time, I delt with the brunt of that bs when I was about 15. So, I’m not trying to br cheery or glib, but, you know, time heals.
(I also have the most amazing dad in the world. A man who never considered me his step-kid, even when I was a little shit. Lucky me.)
[Reply]
10:02 am on November 13th, 2009
i don’t know for positive, but i think it was around the time when you wrote this post last year that i found your blog, and your writing here and your candidness are definitely reasons ive wanted to keep reading.
i hope that this year, there are mostly all happy tears.
and that apron…. wow, what a sentimental hand-me-down.
[Reply]
10:45 am on November 13th, 2009
I love that you have such a special apron with such history.
And I don’t know where you stand on Christmas this year, but if our kitchen is done, we will have it at our house for the first time. Our family is tiny, and there is plenty of room in our house and hearts – come join us!
[Reply]
12:00 pm on November 13th, 2009
I wish that more people talked about how hard the holidays can be. You’re right about what happens when things are missing from you. Missing means they are gone, and cannot be replaced. Those parts of us come out especially at the holidays, because we are so conditioned for them to be times of joy. I think it is awesome that you are talking about this, because I think it’s something that more people need to feel able to talk about.
[Reply]
12:58 pm on November 13th, 2009
Been there. Am there. Am boycotting the holidays altogether, actually, but I hope that you’ll find a solution that keeps those tears at bay.
And I thought it was a (cute) skirt, too.
[Reply]
5:32 pm on November 13th, 2009
I like the holidays – but mainly because it let’s me spend time by myself a lot more. I love my family but for me holidays is about me. No one else. Selfish, yes. I don’t care.
And I can’t stand when people tell me to smile or cheer up either. My default face is NOT a smiley one. People (even strangers) who tell me to cheer up get rapidly told to piss off…
[Reply]
7:40 pm on November 13th, 2009
My grandmother was orphaned & on her own by the age of 17, but even when her parents were alive, she was handed off to distant family members for long stays. My grandfather – her one true love – died on a New Year’s Eve, before I was even born. She was a pretty stoic woman in her day, so I didn’t understand much of what had happened, and I never understood why she didn’t like the holidays. Why she was always so much quieter, sometimes just plain sad. It got a little clearer on the rare occasions at the holidays that she told a story about my Grandfather or a holiday past. Then I understood why there were always tears in the corners of her eyes when doing so. I understand now, why there will always be a hole, no matter how much family she’s surrounded by. It makes me want to turn back the clock and scoop my baby Grandmother up and ferry her away somewhere. But then, she wouldn’t be the same amazing, independent, feisty, strong woman she is today.
Diamonds out of coal, etc. I know it was shit, but I love you just the way you are. Thank you for being you.
[Reply]
1:55 pm on November 14th, 2009
Lem – This makes me sad. Not because you should have to enjoy the holidays but because everyone should have a time of the year that feels magical to them. For me its Fall not christmas perse but the change of summer to fall. The traditional holidays are way over played in most families anyway. Have a low key time during them and take care of you!! But find another time of year for your own!
[Reply]
11:56 pm on November 14th, 2009
I’ve read your blog before, but not commented. Hello, I’m a creepy blog stalker. ^-^
Really, though. I can relate with you on a lot of things, and this is a HUGE one of those things that I can not keep quiet about. Brace yourself. This is one of those should have just blogged about it comments.
I can’t remember a holiday growing up where something awful didn’t happen.
My Dad was never really around. Before I was eight, if he was there, he was drunk. After eight he just wasn’t there at all. So…I had my mom’s evil boyfriend to ruin everything.
One Christmas he ripped the tree down in a childish fit of anger, and threatened to kill us all. He probably beat the crap out of my mom too. I can’t remember.
He managed to find something to scream about on every one of my birthdays, usually in front of all my friends.
One Easter he sliced my church dress up with his pocket knife.
The lovely childhood memories just go on and on, and my emotional baggage surrounding the holidays seems ever growing. I guess it’s just something we have the privilege of dealing with. Yay for us. >_<
We're not here for other people's entertainment. Everyone has crap they deal with. I'm glad you told your coworker you weren't his puppet. I hope it made him think about what he was really saying.
[Reply]
6:51 pm on November 15th, 2009
Unfortunately for most of us life isn’t just one big sugar cube (as it must be for those who are always urging us to SMILE). A lot of bitter comes with the sweet. I hope someday your bitter is drowned out by sweet!
[Reply]
5:30 am on December 25th, 2009
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
[Reply]