One of the apartments down the hall houses a bird. 
My building has a “no pets” policy, but it always gets a little dicey with hamsters, birds, fish, and reptiles. What do I care that someone wants to keep rodents as companions? I don’t get it, but it isn’t affecting my life.
Well, this bird? It is affecting my life.
Up until this weekend, I had only heard it while waiting for the elevator in the morning. I would shake my head and thank Allah that I didn’t live next door to the winged vermin.
This Sunday, though…I heard it. I was laying on the couch, watching TV, something I rarely do. I am habitually over scheduled and overextended and rarely home for long stretches of time. I decided to watch “Into the Wild” as I had heard some great things about it. Within twenty minutes, I had decided I loathed the movie. The antics of self indulgent, entitled narcissists with no regard to the feelings of others as they hurdle themselves towards disaster for some delusional sense of purpose is of little interest to me.
I don’t know if it was my seething rage towards this spoiled brat or the soreness that had permeated my body from my amped up weight training, but the chirping of that damn bird slowly started driving me insane. It was all I could focus on. “TWEET, TWEET, TWEET”. My jaw was clenched and my fists balled. It became exceeding clear that you can hear the bird in my apartment, I just am never home to witness it.
So, I have hatched a plan. I am going to play “Into the Wild” over a loud speaker in the hall. Eddie Vedder’s whining soundtrack and the pseudointellectual wallowing of rich, white boys will slowly drive my neighbor mad. He will then know how I feel.
Or I am going to call property management. Either one.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
I liked Into the Wild. But only because I thought it was a perfect picture of everything you hated about it. The movie was cool. The character was a self-indulgent, spoiled ass.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 am
I can see your point, but dear GOD. I could not take it.
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“Into the Wild” the book was 10 times better than “Into the Wild” the movie. Sean Penn wayyyyyyy overdid it when he directed that film. I personally liked it—the book, that is—but I’ve certainly enjoyed many healthy debates with people, such as your lovely self, who violently hated it. If nothing else, the book/movie/subject matter makes for great discussion fodder.
Now, about that bird… I’d get the gun.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 am
I am scared of guns, but it seems folks agree killing it is an option.
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Birdseed + strychnine = problem solved!
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:09 am
Hmmm, but how do I get in the apartment?
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I’ve always thought have birds as pets is just weird. They are supposed to fly you know.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:10 am
Yes, be free little birdy.
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I suggest you go away for the weekend and leave your alarmclock beeping the entire time. Is annoying as hell but you have plausable deniability with property managment. “Did it go off that long? Really? I had no idea it was set at all!”
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:49 am
“Whoopsies, my bad!”
I like this plan, though I don’t want to punish my non-bird owning neighbors.
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I had a problem like that in my last building — no dogs allowed — but the neighbors across the hall had a dog, and its barking could be heard out their door, across the hall, and all the way into my apartment. And all it did was bark. Management did nothing until I sent an e-mail where every other word was ‘fuck’, at which point they took it seriously and the people in the apartment wound up moving. But I mean … that shit was driving me CRAZY.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:54 am
Do they know this is why people moved out?
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Malnurtured Snay Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:18 am
Well, I think management told the people in the apartment, “Either the dog goes, or you go”, so they all went. I assume. But then I moved to DC not super long after.
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What kind is the bird in the picture?
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Malnurtured Snay Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:38 am
It’s an Uglee.
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Patrick Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Is it really an uglee? That’d be so appropriate.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 am
I honestly don’t know.
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“…hatched a plan”
I love it.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 am
Glad someone caught that.
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People that live in apartments with either exotic animals or more than one cat or dog are usually losers or wierdos. If they want to commune with nature they can hang with Bear Grylls for a few days in one of his staged episodes and cry like the grown babies they are. Pussies. By the power of greyskull, kill the bird.
What can I say about Into the Wild other than it being a big piece of shit like virtually everything else that gets made in Hollywood.
Christ, I’ve been in a surly mood of late but now you’re just pushing all my buttons.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 am
Wow, someone needs a hug. C’mere.
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Growing up my best pal had love birds- so annoying. I’m definitely a pet lover, but I could never cotton to the idea of keeping birds as pets. What’s the reward for all the chirping and cage cleaning?
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:27 am
You get nothing back from them.
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Anti-neighbor tactics 101, love it!
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:28 am
Revenge will be mine.
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I’m a fan of the first tactic. Save calling property management as a backup plan.
But yeah, I never understood birds as pets either. You can’t even play with them.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:28 am
They just make a mess and a ton of noise. Seems pointless.
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I was thinking, “That’s a little harsh, ain’t it? It was similar to but not as good as Madagascar, but not exactly horrible.”
Then I thought, “…Oh. Into the Wild.” Yeah. The premise dictates the craptacularity, just like a movie for kids from the 70’s will include a pointless death, usually of a child. Unless there’s a dog, and then the dog gets it.
I like the sound-torture option. Much more fun than calling management.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:30 am
It is just hideous. I really hated the movie but I stuck it out for some reason.
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Sorry about the annoying bird, but this post was funny. I totally get your perspective on Into the Wild but I thought it was pretty good. Not spectaular, but pretty good. You did stick around to see that he got what was coming to him, didn’t you? Just desserts and all that. Or maybe not dessert since he starved to death if I remember correctly. Oh umm… spoiler alert. Too late.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:31 am
You have ruined the ending for everyone!
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Report the chirpy little fucker. The only good birds are breaded and served with a side of mashed potatoes.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:33 am
That what I am making for dinner tonight…except its cornish game hen, not parrot.
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Neighbor’s bird w/ 40 cloves of garlic? Could be a winner.
Tried watching ITW, didn’t take. Kinda reminded me of the bear guy who, although he thought he was protecting the grizzles, ended up as their main course.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:48 am
Oh, maybe the garlic would be lethal. Good call.
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I’ve already told you my thoughts on Into The Wild so I won’t repeat myself
The only birds that I think are worth having as pets are parrots. I knew someone whose parrot used to perfectly immitate their coffee machine and the mom’s voice. Endless amusement.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:48 am
I can see where that would be fun for 10 minutes, but a lifetime? Birds live forever.
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I wholeheartedly agree.
Unless it looks like the bird in the picture. Because that thing is FUGLY as hell and I kind of want to hold it and squeeze it and call it George.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:49 am
George? Looks more like a Seymour to me.
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I have very little tolerance for birds. No really, I don’t like them AT ALL. You should do both options, call property management and play Into The Wild.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:49 am
Wow, a double barreled attack. Harsh, Marie, harsh.
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I had a bird when I was 8 years old. They now annoy the hell out of me. Come to think of it, they were annoying back then too.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
At least you were a kid and didn’t know better.
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i now have “feed the birds, toppins a bag” from mary poppins stuck in my head.
though that one in the picture is certainly not a pigeon…and i wouldn’t feed it.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
I had a solo to that song in chorus! Memories…
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we should probably just take axe murderer and let him do his thing.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
Oooh. But then I would have to have a cat in my house…
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gah, it’s those seemingly innocuous noises that just graaaaaaaaate on you over time.
maybe you can snuggle the alarm clock right up next to their wall so it won’t bother other people? ish?
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I spent part of last Friday helping my mom catch a finch. We finally got it into the cage with the other three. She was counting down the time to give them back to the owners. Those cute little birds are so damn loud. And messy! They throw seeds everywhere. It made me realize I will never, ever own a bird. I don’t see the point.
Seems to me no pets ought to be NO pets.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
None, none at all. NO PETS.
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I was waiting for the bird stew recipe to follow this post.
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ARGH! birds are so annoying!!
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Yes, they sure are.
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Thought I’d cheer you up and let you know the stupid fuckshit dies in the end.
So it ends up being a ‘feel good’ movie. You know, if you hate self-serving hippie fucks.
* raises hand
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Welcome, Moooog.
Oh, I know he dies. I hung on there.
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good call on the movie – i think it was that sean penn factor of self-absorbed jackassery (word!) that made the lead so annoying, and the movie allegedly way worse than the book (which i’ve never read). and if you loved “into the wild”, wait til you see “grizzly man”, with an even more self-absorbed and whacked protagonist. who meets a similarly predicatble end.
birds? OK, the commentariat is u-go-grrling you on the bird hate. but let me take a contrarian positon. SO LONG AS they don’t make too much noise all the time, i can see how they’d be pleasant to have around. certain exotic birds are extremely beautiful animals, and in some cases have been bred for domestic existence (so it’s not cruel to keep them in cages). so in that respect, they’re like tropical fish or whatever – colorful animals that are not there to give affection or for a kid to play with, but just to be bright, colorful and exotic.
now i’d never do this, and it isn’t exactly the milk of human kindness to treat animals as some sort of live kinetic art. but the appeal is somewhat comprehensible, no?
also – is it OK if i come to the happy hour on friday? are strangers welcome…?
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Welcome Maurice.
Of course you can come. Readers are always welcome.
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maurice Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
hey, you already welcomed me – after I commented on your very funny “HBO haiku” post. geez, am i so forgettable…?
see you then, then. thanks for setting it up – should be fun. if it’s not too hot and humid.
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I agree about guns. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t go poisonous, either. But I probably could take a picture of my cornish game hen dinner and slide it under the door with a carefully worded note. Just saying. I hate birds. It’s fear, really, but “hate” makes me sound so much tougher.
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I think you are a genius.
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Just a friendly reminder of the first night in Lapre with a certain bird (1 of 2 that you hated) and their “interaction” with a cat (you tolerated)!! Just another thought…there must be a “Rent a Feline” somewhere in DC
‘You Better Come on…., in my kitchen…., cuz it’s gonna be rainin’ outdoors’
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Don Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
…or a wood chipper “tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
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Don Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 pm
…and a thin mint box
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Don Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 3:03 pm
and a thin mint box
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Those birds got what was coming, Don…and you know it.
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Make your own bird sounds. So loud, even your bird loving neighbors will complain.
Then, enjoy the look on their faces when you tell them you don’t own a bird.
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bird suck, i hate them, and they suck (oh, i already said that).
well they do.
you should eat it for dinner… ha
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Birds are yummy. I had one for dinner.
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Just be glad you don’t have the bird guano and cracked seeds all over the floor as the owner of the bird probably has. Birds are very dirty animals who are far better off outside where they belong!
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Lemmonex Reply:
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
They are totally disgusting and gross.
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