I was the first kid in my grade to get braces and I thought this was immensely cool. As a pudgy girl with glasses and a raging case of acne, one would think the braces would be the final nail in the outcast coffin but for whatever reason I didn’t see it as such.
Braces were welcome as my teeth were monumentally jacked. My top two lateral incisors (those two pointy teeth next to your front teeth) never came in so I was stuck with gaping holes in my smile. Not only was it painful (you try eating an apple with huge gummy spaces where teeth should be) but , frankly, it made me look inbred.
Just like most of you, I went through the tightening and made all those frequent trips to the dentist. I rocked colored rubberbands on my braces (red and green for Christmas! Black and orange for Halloween!) and did my best to avoid gum. After moving my teeth over a whole space, I was left with a weird looking mug; everything looked…off. So then began the capping, filing and bonding in order to make my teeth look normal. As part of my genetic freakishness, I was also gifted with a lack of wisdom teeth. I am thankful I have never had to get them yanked, but you should see the huge empty space in the back of my mouth due to all my missing teeth. It is a site. To this day, it cracks me up when I visit a new dentist and s/he takes a look in and slowly realizes something is amiss.
Obviously Mom will yell at me about my teeth; she invested a fortune in them. I do my best, but I still managed to pop off a huge chunk of bonding in college while I was chewing a pen. Might I remind you that tooth is filed to an inch of it’s life; sans bond it was some sort of scary looking vampire nightmare. NOT HOT. Also, don’t tell her, but I have a very small chip in my top front right tooth thanks to a drunken happy hour and a Corona bottle. I am gangsta, yo.
When I took a bite of these really delicious greens and felt a tiny rock crunch between my molars, I got a little freaked. Let this be a lesson to you; you do not need a trip to the dentist as an accompaniment to your vegetables. I did rinse these greens, but I obviously could have been way more thorough. I recommend dunking them in a bowl of water to make sure all the silt and dirt washes away. These bitter greens really are a treat. Why ruin them with a dental emergency? This is not fun for anyone.
Sauteed Greens
1 TBSP olive oil
1 large clove garlic, chopped
1/2 smoked andouille sausage, chopped (or two slices bacon)
1 head swiss chard, chopped
A couple shakes tabasco sauce
Squeeze of lemon juice (about a TBSP)
Salt and pepper
Heat oil over medium heat and add garlic. Cook for about a minute and add sausage (or bacon). Cook for about four minutes and add chard. Saute for about one minute and add tabasco, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Saute for another 5 minutes (until wilted) and serve immediately.
8:24 am on May 18th, 2009
I never had to get braces…and I’m thankful for that. I do have my wisdom teeth coming in now and they are driving me craaaaaaaazy.
Ouch, this sounds awful.
[Reply]
8:27 am on May 18th, 2009
I totally rocked red and green rubber bands for Christmas! This Christmas. As in 5 and a half months ago. Because the only thing to do as a 27 year old with braces . . . is to OWN it. I’m hoping my braces can come off withing a week or 2. I desperately want to be cool again.
You just have to rock it out; good for you.
[Reply]
8:41 am on May 18th, 2009
I always felt left out that I never had braces. Little did I know…. I did however, get more than my share of very large mercury fillings, one of which fell out, which precipitated the trip to the dentist wherewith I fell in the icy parking lot and broke my leg. I have not been back to the dentist since. I blame my teeth.
I have some metal fillings as well. Charmingly old school. Also, I blame your teeth as well…that blows.
[Reply]
9:02 am on May 18th, 2009
Dude, we are the same person–I sauteed some greens last night, and I got that nice gritty crunch as well. Just like you, I rinsed them before chopping and cooking, but I guess I should have been more thorough.
I also have a chip in my tooth due to a drunken get-together. Only mine was thanks to a few Irish Car Bombs and the porcelain god.
But if we are the same person that means we cannot get married. Life sucks.
[Reply]
9:02 am on May 18th, 2009
Mmmmm….greens!
I don’t have wisdom teeth either. It’s awesome.
I remember being a kid and having our dentist tell us that it means we are more genetically “advanced.” I also have two baby teeth with no permanent replacements, so that must mean I’m even more ahead of my time. Or, more likely, my dentist was full of crap.
That is what my dentist said too…these advanced genetics have not helped one bit, though.
[Reply]
9:05 am on May 18th, 2009
Looks great! I bet it would also be great with chorizo or linguica. Yum.
Agreed….linguica would be amazing.
[Reply]
9:16 am on May 18th, 2009
Never had braces, although my dentist always said “it could help”. Parents were poor as dirt with no dental insurance until I was 17. I refused then.
I think the great thing about greens is that you can change the greens to your taste or to match the main course. Or change the meat. I’ve done this before, Asian style, with Chinese sausage which has not much spice, but adds a good flavor and oil to the greens.
I love the idea of Asian sausage with this…I will have to try that.
[Reply]
9:43 am on May 18th, 2009
Oh the old corona bottle chipped tooth. I have two, front left and right. Thank god for that fake stuff they can glue on there.
Modern dentistry, we salute you.
[Reply]
9:56 am on May 18th, 2009
My chipped tooth is a basketball injury. Totally worth the playground glory, though.
Way better than drunken antics, for sure.
[Reply]
10:03 am on May 18th, 2009
Damn teeth. Nothing good comes out of them except for chewing food. And even then they break. Or cavities appear. And then all of a sudden you need a root canal!
Sorry, I have issues with my teeth.
And p.s. I hope you are feeling better!
I have a deep fear of a root canal. Have you ever had one?
[Reply]
10:49 am on May 18th, 2009
My teeth have been through so much they are virtually indestructable now.
Teeth strong like bull.
[Reply]
10:50 am on May 18th, 2009
Mmmm…those greens are just what I’ve been craving.
Also, I always wanted braces, but never got them. Apparently insurance doesn’t really cover vanity.
I think vanity gets a bad rap. Why does insurance hate it?
[Reply]
10:51 am on May 18th, 2009
Unlike you, with your naturally missing teeth, I had to get those same ones yanked to give my braces room to work. At the time the dentist told me “Don’t worry, now you won’t have to get your wisdom teeth pulled.” LIAR! Of course, he was only proved wrong by a Marine Corps policy requiring the removal of all wisdom teeth.
Clean greens are important. I once made a wonderful steak and arugula salad with a raspberry and vinaigrette dressing. It was delicious. It was also gritty due to insufficient rinsing of the greens. A lesson I learned well after a night of eating sandpaper-like veggies.
And that salad sounds so great. I guess life is full of lessons.
[Reply]
11:09 am on May 18th, 2009
I know all too well about braces. I had retainers, braces, rubber bans (blue), headgear, then retainers again.
My teeth were horrid… but getting braces was the best thing my parents ever made me do.
Headgear. I am thankful I got to skip that.
[Reply]
11:18 am on May 18th, 2009
If I could describe you in one word it would definitely be “gangsta.”
I will pop a cap in your ass…or something.
[Reply]
11:31 am on May 18th, 2009
I rocked braces for years and my lower incisors never came in, so I had to get a fake tooth (and I’ve had more fillings than any human on earth). My mom gets on me CONSTANTLY about my teeth: I coulda moved to Australia for the money I spent.
I chipped one about a month ago eating fried oysters (bit of shell) Totally worth it.
Ouch! I am sure an unexpected surprise, though.
[Reply]
11:34 am on May 18th, 2009
I also do not have wisdom teeth. My childhood dentist used to tell me that this means I’m further evolved than other people, and should have a lot of kids to continue the advancement of the human race.
Which, when you think about it, is a really weird thing to say to a kid.
I just recently (like last month/this month) got my first fillings, and one of them is still so hypersensitive that I avoid chewing on that side of the mouth.
Wow, your first filling?! You have my respect. Wish I could say the same.
[Reply]
12:19 pm on May 18th, 2009
I have yet to get my wisdom teeth out because it costs about two grand. Also, I have a dentist appointment next week to deal with some random holes (I swear to God, HOLES in my teeth.) I’m not sure if they’re cavities or just another sign that God hates me.
Also, chipped teeth are hot. I have three. If I ever need bonding/bridges/dentures, I’m just going for grills.
Smile for me baby, let me see those grills.
[Reply]
12:36 pm on May 18th, 2009
My front tooth matches yours… and I WISH I could say it was a drunken happy hour and a Corona bottle…
but it was alone in my parents’ basement, drowning my sorrows in some Arbor Mist.
Klassy.
Arbor Mist! Omg, just when I think I could not love you more. HAHAHAHA
[Reply]
12:44 pm on May 18th, 2009
Lol, that reminded me of the time I chipped my tooth while holding a bottle using my teeth. I was trying to pee while drunk and felt the piece of tooth chip off of the bottle.
Oh JP…you are special.
[Reply]
1:08 pm on May 18th, 2009
I was supposed to get braces when I was in the 6th grade. But my parents couldn’t afford it. Then, out of nowhere, my sister and brother BOTH got to get braces. Now I’m the only one in my family with messed up teeth. I hate it. And yes, I’m bitter about it.
I would be bitter as hell. That is not fair, dude.
[Reply]
1:18 pm on May 18th, 2009
Ah, the braces. I had the colored bands as well…I also had nightgear (thankfully only for night) and a jaw expander with the key that I had to turn every night to make my jaw wider. And about 4 teeth that had to be pulled to make room for new teeth.
Good times!!
I do have 3 of my 4 wisdom teeth–one is fine and the other two have literally made the past 3 years of my life a living hell with pain and on and off headaches.
They are excruciating when they come in late–I need to get two removed but can’t because its so expensive. AHHH.
Although I gotta say, braces (for FOUR YEARS) did my teeth a world of good…especially for someone like me who has big teeth. Nasty big teeth? Scary. Straight big teeth–cute.
Ah, the preteen and early- mid teenage years. Always awkward.
For your chubby and acne, I had the HUGE curly hair and was super tiny. Kind of like Michael Cera. But a girl.
Sexxxy.
I had the opposite–really tiny teeth. And Michael Cera?! Really!?
[Reply]
1:22 pm on May 18th, 2009
Ohhh ahhaaha…there is a classic SNL sketch where Cameron Diaz talks about how awkward she was when she was young…and they cut to a photo and shes all tan and tall and blonde and skinny and in a CHEERLEADER outfit.
Then the other SNL girls talk about their awkward and the photos are some of the funniest sht I have ever seen. Poodle boy short perms….bizarre makeup combined with glasses and MC Hammer pants….I’ll find it.
And honey–I love how you look. Chipped tooth and all.
Hammer pants! I may have had those. MAY. And thanks, dear.
[Reply]
1:42 pm on May 18th, 2009
Ah…yep Michael Cera. Or any really scrawny kind of fair skinned, awkward teenager. I wasn’t ugly pre-16/17…just UNBELIEVABLY awkward looking. Really, its hard to fully explain it. And I played the clarinet and piano–clarinet with colored braces.
I kid you not.
Oh I wish I knew how to play the piano, though. I just know scales. I am jealous.
[Reply]
2:38 pm on May 18th, 2009
Braces WERE cool! At least they were in my middle school. Everyone had them, including the popular kids. I used to straighten a paperclip and wrap it around my teeth I wanted braces so bad. Thank God we didn’t have swine flu then, lord knows what was on that clip.
Be careful what you wish for though bc I didn’t need braces until high school and had them for ALL FOUR YEARS.
Four years. Good Christ that is a long time for braces. Wow.
[Reply]
2:46 pm on May 18th, 2009
I had a tooth knocked out playing basketball when I was younger. I had to endure the agony of a root canal to have it put back in. About 2 years later I got braces and had to have a tooth pulled on the bottom row because I had too many. Guess which one got pulled…
Teeth are more trouble than they’re worth.
I wish the toothless look was in vogue. We would all be way happier.
[Reply]
2:52 pm on May 18th, 2009
i feel like dental emergencies will just make food eating that much more exhilarating and lively!
but not really
The world is full of lies.
[Reply]
3:45 pm on May 18th, 2009
I chipped my tooth during a stunt in my early teens. Popular opinion at the time was that my Metallica jean jacket created too much wind resistance precipitating the accident. I would have taken off the jacket except….no, I wouldn’t have.
Mr Ralph Lauren was once a Metallica jean jacket wearing teen?! Wonders never cease.
[Reply]
9:17 pm on May 18th, 2009
my front left tooth is chipped because I tripped in a mcdonalds parking lot when I was drunk and hit the curb. It was awesome.
Talk about biting the curb, ouch.
[Reply]
9:57 pm on May 18th, 2009
I knew I was getting old when I randomly cracked a tooth. While eating something SOFT.
How does that even happen?
[Reply]
7:34 am on May 20th, 2009
[...] in olive oil. Very basic! But if you want a more creative take on greens, head on over to see Lemmonex. Tell her I sent [...]