So about a week ago I passed 200,000 original page views here at this site. I would have noticed sooner but I have been too busy dancing around my bedroom in my underwear singing Girl Talk in to my hairbrush.
I have been thinking of what I could do for you guys to celebrate. I decided on two treats.
First, let me share with you the most magnificent piece of mail that I have received in the past (almost) two years. Seriously, I love this glorious heaping of hate; it is one of my most prized possessions. This letter had some stiff competition, but this one takes the cake. After going back and forth with this guy, and telling him “good bye” (whoops, I made a typo…shocking) and calling him insecure, I got this lovely gem.
It was actually a comment I chose not publish because this guy was begging for way more attention than I am ever willing to give a man. Please enjoy:
Dear Lem,
Apparently you think I’m “an insecure man,” and that’s unattractive to you. This saddens me. Tell you what, I would wager the balance of my bank account that I could take you home (your home, since I’d be from out-of-town). But it probably wouldn’t work because I imagine you get hit on so rarely and would realize that something was up once a stud like myself hit on you. Oh, and I bet you’re easier than a Saigon hooker (call it a remnant from your fatty days).
Then, there is the matter of us being in the same industry. Well, me at least. I’m 23 and I’ve had more front-page stories and freelance clips in national magazines than you will likely ever see, even if you can parlay this craptastic blog into an actual job (I think Martha Stewart’s Living is hiring?).
So while you may have “banned” me, I take solace in knowing that I’m out of your league in every way imaginable. Feel free to forget you ever ran into me. I can only imagine how sad of a reminder I am. Goodbye to you, love.
P.S. Goodbye is one word. Why the fuck would it be two? And combative baby shouldn’t be hyphenated. Do you see a compound modifier in there?
P.P.S. I know you can read this. If you would like to respond, I will give you the ability to (see below). If not, I completely understand. Enjoy living in
your delusional blog world.
Lem@youre.gay
I am not going to offer a shred of commentary, but would love to hear yours.
And the other treat for y’all? It is raffle time once again. Comment below–a question, an observation, a haiku, or a compliment on the awesomeness of my hair, the reason why I am a hooker–and you will be entered. Names will be chosen at random. The raffle closes tomorrow night (5/7) at 5 pm EST. If it can be shipped (ie no cakes), I will make the winner whatever they want…within reason.
Thanks to all of you…and thanks for accepting my hooking ways.
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Hey! I thought you said you wouldn’t show my emails to everyone!
ps your hair IS awesome.
I know, I have violated our trust and I hope you forgive me.
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This was great- man how come no one hates me this way. Must be because there is just not as much to envy. I’m so glad you shared but you know if he still checks back he is so totally going to take this as a “yes she is still stuck on me”.
Yea, I am ok with that.
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Wow- I read this and teared up! What a loser. Sucks to be him.
Now I am sending you the meanest email I have ever received because, believe me, it WILL make you feel better!!
Yeah, really does suck…poor guy.
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I heard the hookers in Saigon turned him down too.
Something about staying away from the Super Douche.
Welcome Mr. Officer…I guess he can’t get no love. poor guy.
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Oops, don’t have your email. Just know that lots of people dig your style and you don’t need some loser like that anywhere near your fab life.
Thanks so much. It is culinarycouture (at) gmail (dot) come, btw.
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I can’t believe you published my comment without telling me. Jesus.
But for realiz, I think the back handed compliment from musty balls would have been better, you know what I mean.
Oh, musty balls. Forgot about that letter…good memory, my friend.
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“Apparently you think I’m “an insecure man” ” Insecure? Yes. Man? No.
“and that’s unattractive to you. ” Well, duh!
“This saddens me. ” Yikes.
I suppose he used “Saigon hooker” because “Ho Chi Minh City hooker” sounds kind of awkward.
“Then, there is the matter of us being in the same industry. Well, me at least.” This makes no sense.
If he has been published, it’s been on the front page of his own blog (or, perhaps, his mother’s blog). Personal ads in the back of a “national magazine” don’t count, either.
I doubt this guy is even 23 years old. He probably added a few to sound “grown up”. A true adult would know better than to send something like this.
Alright, I’ve spent far too much time on this.
Have a great day!
Hey, Kelley, and welcome. Also, I agree. I would guess he is 18.
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Lol! Darling, I truly do not know what to say. I mean seriously, I do not understand the mentality of these individuals. This is the archetype of weak. He is probably the type of individual to start a fight in a bar and then press charges on the guy that beats his ass.
On a different note, I am seriously jealous of Maxie’s ability so see everybody’s boobs. I want her super power.
Oh, and will you marry me? It’s been a while since I have asked.
maxie sweet talked me–I did a dance.
Hm, how big is the ring? I am a size queen.
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Two hundred thousand
A goal of magnificent
Proportion for Lem
As someone who worked in the newspaper industry I can say with some authority:
Twenty-three year old
Headline: Get me coffee boy
Then pick up laundry
It must be a fascinating world he lives in between his misshapen dwarf-like ears.
And don’t forget lunch while you are at it!
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Wow, I think Hammer should get a few brownies or something just for coming up with that…”blogging and whoring”, indeed.
Plus, I tried to re-engage this fellow, but you know what? Lem@your.gay? I think it’s a fake email address…and I hate to say it, but I think he was trying to insult you at the same time.
Damn his evil and superior mind!!
I have already commended Hammer profusely via email.
And dammit!! Is that why my emails are bouncing?
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She even got a dance!!! man.
You could totally skate on it. Hope you like blue diamonds!
Size queen? This tells me many things. Invitation is still open, as long as you are cool with Elvis in Vegas doing the ceremony.
If the blue diamond if there, I am down with Elvis.
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I want to hate this guy, but how can I after he’s given such a fabulous gift of unintentional hilarity?
(With apologies to Carly Simon)
You wrote out your e-mail, and you gave it lots of thought
You bragged about your bank balance
It seemed a bit overwrought
You had your insults all planned out, and grammar to be taught,
To show that girl that you were so clever,
So very clever, well–
“youre(dot)gay,” you prob’ly think this blog is about you
“youre(dot)gay,” I bet you think this blog is about you
Don’t you? don’t you?
You tell us that you’re such a stud. You sounds a bit over rated.
And your clever “Saigon Hooker” line
Is maybe a tad bit dated.
But despite the Viet-nam era smack
You claim that you’re twenty three?
If I had to guess, I’d bet you’re a liar
Pants are on fire and
“youre(dot)gay. . . ”
In a million years I could never be this clever. This is truly fantastic.
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um, yeah. . .verse two should begin “you sound a bit overrated,” since I know that overrated is one word. Why would it be two? It’s hard to type sneakily and get your spelling right at the same time.
I didn’t even notice. Seriously, I was laughing too hard.
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So I’m guessing that his front page articles were on the front page of his school newspaper…or quite possible a weekly in some podunk town where the average reading level is 3rd grade. Aside from that who even uses the word “stud” when being serious? A stud? Really? He couldn’t come up with something better than stud? I am tempted to think he was joking because my brain is having trouble comprehending that anyone would seriously send something like this.
I thought the word stud died in 1988. Apparently not with certain people.
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I’ll side with Lemmy
And debate B on Girl Talk
I love Night Ripper
Anyway, this dude’s on the Overcompensation Express to Insecureville via Smallpenisfield. If my mom taught me anything other than “promiscuity can be fun if you use protection,” it’s know when to pick your battles. Clearly this guy never got that lesson.
(Also, jordanbaker clearly has a lucrative song writing career ahead of him)
Please school him! He is so wrong. I need a band of Night Ripper lovers. And yes, she sure does. Magnificent.
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“Dear Lem…blah blah blah bank acount…blah blah stud..blah blah….front page stories…blah blah….out of your league..blah blah blah…CALL ME!”
That’s what I got out of that.
Pretty much what I got too.
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the most magnificent piece of mail that I have received in the past (almost) two years
what? this must mean that you never got my hate mail. it was quite the letter. what’s more it was written on a piece of dried poo (like those meat business cards) and sented with coconut.
i can’t believe you didn’t get it… it took me forever to dry that poo.
Lance, you are seriously gross…but A for effort.
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Saigon prostitute
just means he wants to travel
your Ho Chi Minh trail
Wants to show you his
“freelance pieces,” but sadly
has a short “byline”
But really,
Two hundred thousand
haters, lovers, whatevers,
we all want a spoon
And I want a spoon! It works out so well.
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I think the hate mail’s been covered plenty, so can we just talk about how AMAZING GirlTalk is?
Seriously love it.
Welcome Emily…I really do love him. I mean, it is total junk food for the brain, but who doesn’t love junk food.
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One of the greatest dissappointments of my life is that my blog has yet to inspire any hatemail. I would love to be berated by an internet tough guy.
Maybe if I became a male hooker…..
People are quite tough through the tubes.
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Wow. Just wow. I think he had too much coconut. With emphasis on the nut.
Yep, doubled up on the nuts.
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Based on the letter’s content, and his glaringly obvious desire to wound your ego, I’d wager my bank account’s entire contents that that you hurt him waaaayyy more than he could hope to hurt you. So in the relationship game, you win!!
Lemmonex-1, douchenozzle-0
P.S. He was prolly just jealous of your beautiful hair anyway. It would have cast a shadow over the entire relationship.
Seriously? How can one compete with the hair?
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I just thought of the question I’ve always wanted to ask you but didn’t even know it!
What does your kitchen look like? I’d love to see pictures of where all this goodness comes from.
Yay! Best question ever!
Oh, that is a good one. I will take one soon.
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oh my god… i would have posted his email address though.
He used a fake, sadly.
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Bummer.
For reals.
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I would Bangkok a girl’s Saigon in about 4 seconds.
the @youre.gay is awesome. I’m stealing it.
You can have it.
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ok two thoughts:
1. If he calls you gay (and we take him literally) then why did he want to sleep with you? He fails at logic.
2. At the high school we went to the motto was “Everybody is somebody”…Maybe we should have appended it “including the Saigon hooker”
Awesome pic by the way.
Hey Chris! Welcome. And this was a serious logic FAIL.
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I love a guy that brings out the angry laugh in me… no seriously… the angry laugh is a scary thing… men generally know to run from it.
You, my friend, are my favorite Saigon hooker of all.
Oh, this warms my heart…I will take being your favorite anything, even a hooker.
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there’s a lot i could say about that comment, but i also don’t want to give him any more attention then he deserves.
regardless, you have lovely lovely hair.
Why thanks…my hair is very flattered.
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ooo – hey I forgot to ask earlier but it is really important I find out – is a Saigon Hooker more slutty than a French Whore? That was always my dad’s favorite i.e. “you are not leaving the house in that you look like a French whore” So I grew up thinking that French whores had the lock on total sluttyness. Now how am I supposed to know how to insult someone properly. Is there a sliding scale out there somewhere I should reference? Where does the garden variety all American “working girl” fall. Not nearly as slutty as the Saigon hooker or French whore I’m guessing but does she beat out a Spanish trollop?
I think it goes French Whore>Saigon Hooker>Spanish Trollop>American Working Girl.
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I am totally hooked
And the hooker is lemmy
An amazing broad
I so shamefully love broad…thanks jman.
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First of all, I’m a Saigon Hooker. Which is a brutal job since they changed the name of the damned city. And I think that French Whore is a special category all to itself. I mean, it hints at sexual deviance at levels that begger description.
My question: what is your kitchen tool geekiness level? Do you obsesses about pans and knives, or are you a simple chef’s knife and cast iron pan kind of girl?
I am pretty easy going. I mean, I have a really good knife and love my le creuset, but I am not a total snob. I think there are far too many gizmos out there. Does one really need an avocado scooper? I think not.
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I just returned from
Barcelona. Glad I got
back in time to win!
If you need somewhere to go and be all sexy, you could do worse than Barcelona – it’s funky!
Your email correspondant sounds ever so slightly insecure – maybe he got rejected by a real Saigon hooker!
PS. Can I please win this time? I just want to get my hands on your goodies………
Tsk tsk. Dirty boy. And yes, I think he is insecure…just a little.
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Am I too late? Who won? lmfao at the mail you got…
Hi flora…welcome. Nope, you made in on time.
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I’m a lurker – but had to delurk to say that guy is a jerk! I’m flabbergasted. I’ve never read anything so pathetic and hateful and mean (so bad that it was actually hilarious!) in my life! I’m glad you didn’t take it seriously.
Also, lovely hair you have. And I’m not just saying that ’cause I want to win.
Welcome, Jaime. Even if you are lying, flattery gets you far!
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I’m so confused as to how anyone could conjure up hate for you. It’s not even threatening (says the outside observer), just utterly laughable. Poor boy (I’m assuming it’s a boy) needs to eat. Clearly low blood sugar has fucked up his reasoning skills.
Carry on being your glorious self!
And I think LiLu is on to something with that road trip idea.
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The use of the word “craptastic” is so 2004.
-K
PS If I was gay and you were gay, I would so want to do you!
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I’m…confused. I’m also two months late, which I realize, but I clicked a link! Thanks JP!
Who does this crap? Also, I don’t get hate mail. I think I’m not as popular as you. I’d take it as a compliment. Is it possible that you slept with this guy in high school and then told everyone his dick smelled like cheese or something? Because that’s an awful lot of hate for someone who doesn’t even know you…
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There is obviously the great to know about this. We think a person made good points also.
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it is very wonderful ,i like it vey muchvibram five fingers
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