The other day I was chatting with a friend, lamenting the fact that though I am actually 6 lbs lighter than I was around Christmas, my pants seem to be getting tighter.
“It makes no sense. Nothing has really changed. The scale says I am actually doing better…”
“Oh, the same thing happened to me as I started getting closer to 30. Your body just kind of shifts around”, was her response.
This was not really what I wanted to hear. Closer to 30.
I have made no qualms about the fact that I struggle with the weight, badly. I am up, I am down, I am all around. Though my weight struggles are normal now–traversing the same 7 pounds–I still visualize me as 65 pounds heavier. You just get to a point where you see your self in a certain light and it is really hard to reimagine this blueprint.
I have good periods of time, don’t get me wrong. I looked at a few pictures from my trip this weekend and thought, “Damn, you look good”. There is one in particular where I look almost tiny. It shouldn’t validate me, but it does…just a little. But then there are all these photos where I am slouching or caught at a bad angle or whatever. Hey, I have a traffic jam booty…there is no hiding this ass, no matter what I do. I’m Polish.
It still bothers me more than it should. There are ebbs and flows, time when I feel confident and moments where I envelop myself in a barrage of criticism. I am that girl you know who will untag herself in photos on facebook if she thinks she looks fat. I worry about having hypothetical kids because I am afraid of what it will do to my body, let alone the prospect of blowing my vagina to bits. I stand in front of mirrors and poke at my soft belly. It is ugly and self punishing and wholly unhealthy.
I never did any of this when I was heavy. I just know what I have to lose now….it is worse.
What’s bothering me the most is now people are telling me it is out of my hands. I do not handle a lack of control well. You mean no matter what I do I may have to go up a pants size to accommodate a shift in weight to my midsection? I hate this. I hate that I am at an age, close to 30, where I should be past this but sometimes it feels more unbearable than ever. I felt invisible for so long and I don’t want to fade away. I know I am more than my body, my looks, but there are plenty of people out there to tell you that this isn’t the case, that no one cares that you are funny or smart or talented. You need shiny packaging to catch the eye of a buyer. I’ve lived it. I know how much it matters.
I have drowned in a sea of self doubt before and time and maturity has healed some of it, buoyed me up. Sometimes, though? The undertow is strong.
I am avoiding the ocean except when it comes to seafood. This was a recipe I plucked from Cooking Light in an attempt to throw together a quick dinner for FreckledK and me. I eyeballed everything, but provided the measurements below. It was light and refreshing, a super easy week night dinner I will definitely make again. I served it with some sauteed spinach and it was pretty damn good.
Scallops with Sesame Sauce
From Cooking Light
16 large sea scallops (about 1 3/4 pounds)
1 sliced green onion (white and green sections reserved separately)
2 garlic cloves, minced (about 1 teaspoon)
2 tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon rice vinegar
3 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon cornstarch
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1/8 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 teaspoon canola oil
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
1. Remove scallops from the refrigerator, and bring them to room temperature (about 10 minutes). In a small mixing bowl, add the white onion pieces and the next 7 ingredients (through crushed red pepper); stir with a whisk to combine, and set aside.
2. Warm the canola oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. When hot, add the scallops; sprinkle scallops with the black pepper. Cook scallops about 3 minutes on 1 side until golden brown. Using tongs, flip the scallops and cook 2-3 more minutes or until browned. Transfer scallops to a plate, and cover with foil. Keep the skillet on the heat.
3. Whisk the sauce again, and add it to the pan. Cook until the sauce boils and thickens slightly (about 45 seconds); then remove the pan from heat. Divide scallops among 4 plates, drizzle some of the hot sesame sauce over each portion, and garnish with a sprinkle of green onion pieces.
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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
If you ever lose that ass, I will never forgive you.
Every day I think I cannot possibly love you more, you go and do something like this. You are the bravest woman I know, absolutely stunning, and the person I want to lean on when I go through this same exact shit.
In other words, YOU. COMPLETE ME.
I love you babe. You are truly amazing for sharing your feelings with such brutal honesty. There aren’t many with the strength to do so.
Thank you for being you. Really.
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My mom is 64 years old and trying to reconcile herself to the fact that she’s now a size 6 at Tabi. I’m 24 and have never been able to take a compliment about my body. Never. Everytime someone mentions anything about me physically, I take it as an insult. When my bf tells me I’m pretty, I tell him to “shut the fuck up”.
What do I mean by this comment? I don’t know. Just that I understand not being in love with yourself… and I think most people can relate. <3
I don’t want to be 64 years old and still thinking this way…but I know I will be. Life is too short. I really hope I can find my peace with this.
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oh lem, i hardly know you and i just want to HUG you. you are AMAZING, and DON’T YOU EVER FORGET IT. keep on keepin’ on girlfriend.
and because you made scallops, one of my all-time favorite foods, we’ll need to get a drink together when i make my way to the east coast.
Thank you so much.
And please don’t talk about alcohol. I drank myself in to a stupor last night.
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I like everything about 29 except the rearranging of the body. I’m not sure what to do about it. I feel exactly the same lately, and I hate thinking so much about my body. When everything else about my life is so in order how can this one thing derail me so easily? Grrr.
The mental energy we expend on this is so frustrating, but it is there. Hard to deny it. I am sorry you are feeling this way, too.
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Guys appreciate a little junk in the trunk. More than you know. Trust me on this.
I guess I have to take your word.
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I love you for writing this.
I think our bodies can be accurate representations of our mental state. When I wasn’t happy, I let myself go. When I got better, I took better care of myself, and it came through.
My body changed right around when I turned thirty. Things moved and settled. I had an ass for the first time since, well, ever. I filled out a bit.
It felt weird for a while. It’s like anything involved with growing up (baby showers, hangovers, real estate). Eventually you become comfortable with it, and then proud of it because it’s a sign of how far you’ve come.
I do know I have come very far. I have to remember this…and work on reminding myself.
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when you have a face
as lovely as yours the rest
are accessories
be glad you are a woman who looks like a woman
(singing now) and is broad where a broad should be broad
all this and she can cook too!
Thanks jman. And broad…be still my heart. I love being called a broad.
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From the pictures and happy hour a few weeks ago, you have nothing to be concerned about. If it makes you feel better, most men covet the supermodel in fantasy, but just want a good woman to love in real life. Unless of course I’m speaking for myself.
I know it is largely in my head. Thanks Tony.
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I can completely relate! Wow! Yes! My body is in the best shape it’s ever been and I am more critical of it now than ever before. How backwards are we thinking!
I am obsessed lately that despite running 22+ miles per week plus swimming 5-6 miles per week plus whatever occasional strength workout, bike ride or after-dinner walks I throw in there… I can’t seem to burn every ounce of fat off my middle.
I know it is crazy! The people close to me try to tell me “it’s not fat, it is the less elastic SKIN of a 35 year old and it is normal.”
But instead of being proud of myself for being in amazing shape, I just nitpick at that inch I can still pinch. I have no words of wisdom because I go through a similar thing.
Helps to know we are not alone though. I feel like I am making up for lost time or something…I didn’t care at all and now I care too much.
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You just put into words what so many of us feel but never vocalize, and you put it so eloquently at that. Great post.
Welcome bwp. I think knowing that a lot of us feel this way really helps.
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i think you’re amazing. beautiful on the inside and your outside, shiny, lovely packaging.
and i mean, you are a girl after my own heart, being able to rock some red tights. i heart you.
and i heart scallops and will make these asap and report back. probably will call with questions because im stealth like that in the kitchen.
You can always call me, dear. Thank you.
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I had gastric bypass last summer and lost 75 lbs of my excess weight. I still have 35 lbs to go and I’ve never felt so fat in my entire life. The 35 lbs I still have to go seem so much heavier than when I was at my high point of 252.
I know. I’m crazy.
You are not crazy. You are real. And welcome.
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I totally agree with Shannon’s comment. As someone well on the other side of 30…ok, on the other side of 35… I can vouch for the fact that things will move of their own accord, and that it will come to mean less and less as time goes on (at least, it does to me). I have to start exercising more often just to ensure that my back allows me to get out of bed in the morning.
I am always so impressed that you take the time to exercise and consciously eat healthy food, which I rarely do (to my own detriment). It’s more important to be healthy than to be sexy…but you have managed to do both. And you still enjoy a good burger. You have so little to worry about.
There are good days and bad days. I can never give up those burgers, though.
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I saw the pics from the RI trip and thought the same thing. Call it corroboration, if you’d like.
re: the shiny package thing – shallow pinheads abound, but volume doesn’t make them right. You’re certifiably awesome, and good-looking to boot (or booty, if you prefer). Case closed.
I will happily repeat that as often as necessary; you just let me know.
I will keep you on speed dial.
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“You just get to a point where you see your self in a certain light and it is really hard to reimagine this blueprint.” Oh so true!!
Regardless—to carry the metaphor further—you hold the pen in your hand; you redraw what you see reflected in that mirror, in your mind. Some days are bound to be all scribbles, sure. But, unless we completely drop that pen, we always have the chance to erase and start over.
All easier said than done.
So I’ll just shut up already and join the chorus: thank you for sharing such a wonderfully heartfelt and honest post.
That is a really great way to look at it…I always love your comments hannah.
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Old habits – or, more precisely, old body images – die hard. Some times when I have to squeeze through a tight space in a store aisle or elsewhere I’ll instinctively reach down with one hand to pull my stomach in. Only later does it dawn on me that I don’t have to do that anymore. Yet the instincts persist even after the stomach has shrunk.
Peter
Yep. Like a phantom limb…
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Oh man, do I tend to feel this way on a daily basis. I’ve only just accepted the fact that my butt will never get any smaller – nor will my thighs.
You, my dear, look fantastic, and I love when you have the guts to write posts like these. It helps to know there are more people going through the same situations. Thank you.
These posts are always the hardest, but oddly, the best for me, I think.
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If it makes any sense, I still think of myself stuck in a closet with a bottle of vodka and a knife. It’s a daily picture that I have to smash over and over. I’m hoping that someday it doesn’t have as much power over me than it does now.
And Lem? You’re lovely. And you share honestly and that’s a gift. No pretense.
It is impossibly hard to change how we see ourselves, but know you are different. You have changed.
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I would just like to add:
This morning, I noticed that my body had shifted around to give me mini-saddlebags. Saddleclutches, if you will.
No wonder I had to go out and buy new jeans.
In the end, for me, it’s still a little strange when I notice something new. It’s less fear of aging, or being less attractive, or anything else. It’s more, my body has gone rogue agent and is rearranging itself of its own accord.
Your body has a mind of it’s own…bastard.
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traffic jam booty
This reminded me of that one song that goes:
“Woot woot! Pull over that ass is too fat! Woot woot!”
Remember that song? Amazing idea.
I may, MAY, have done a choreographed dance to that when drunk in college. I love Trina, that dirty bitch.
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I still remember the day I went up a jeans size (yes, men do this too). I’d been the same size since I was 18 and now, at 30-something, my jeans were too tight and I had to knuckle under and get the next larger waist size. Oh the humanity.
I’d love to get it back down, but facing reality, I just don’t know if that’ll ever be possible. You know, without a debilitating disease or something. Maybe a stint on survivor?
Anyway, you, my darling Lemmy, still look amazing. If things have moved here and there a bit, if you’re in shape never worry about buying clothes that fit. All they’ll do is make you look better.
I wish guys talked about this more but it just isn’t in your nature.
And yes, I know in my head that the tag is just a number.
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It is true that things change after 30, yes. Definitely they change. But I have to be honest with you. I look better now, at 37, than I ever did at 27. It isn’t always for the worse that they change, and given that you are already ahead of the bell curve in terms of understanding both yourself, and your body, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how great your body can (and will) be in your 30’s.
I hope you are right. At least I have the tools.
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Notes:
- You’re also getting closer to 90. So is Adriana Lima. So is Judd Hirsch. So what?
- Having recently turned my slow growth around (by only a few pounds so far), I was feeling pretty good until I saw a couple pictures of me from a show last weekend and thought, “Well ain’t I a fat bastard?”
- If you had any freaking idea how cute you are, the problem would shift to mere healthy concern.
- c.f. Sir Mixalot
- and that song jman mentioned (Has Anybody Seen My Gal).
- Polish chicks trend toward lush hotness.
- At least you take compliments well and won’t destroy yourself and relationships like Racquel is on the path to. (There’s still time, RV. Just say, “Thank you!” and smile and bask in love. Trust me on this.)
- You still have some control; it’s just that the horses are bucking harder.
And I guess I shall buck down harder as well.
Yes, we are all aging. I know this, but it doesn’t mean I have to just embrace it without reflection.
Cute? I don’t get that often but I will take it. Thanks.
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My scale is telling me I’m lighter, but I’m still able to jam into a pair of pants that should technically be too large for me. While a few are, this particular pair just isn’t. And it’s rattling me more than it should. And all I mean to say is that I can relate. When I initially lost the 60+ pounds, I couldn’t stop feelin’ like the big girl I used to be. And I also couldn’t handle being so small because I figured the only reason people were interested in me was BECAUSE I was small and only for sex, not much else. So then I got big again. And now I’m working it back off. And you know this already because I’ve told you. And I really don’t want this entire rant to be about me, when in fact I’m just trying to tell you that you’re not alone.
And for whatever the hell it’s worth? I think you’re beautiful just the way that you are and I am very proud of the accomplishments you’ve made to date. I also believe in not listening to others yammer about how things are just going to be the way that they are. Because that’s horse dookie. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Or else Tina Turner wouldn’t look like she does at a bajillion years old.
I love you to pieces.
It isn’t just about me. it is about everyone. And I have dresses that I wear hat vary in sizes to the extreme so I should know it is just a tag or whatever, but it is still hard.And thanks. You are swell yourself.
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I’ve untagged myself for the very same reasons. I’m sure most of us have.
And that dinner was more than just pretty good – it was the best thing I’d eaten in ages. Thanks for the treat.
Thanks, friend. Glad you liked it.
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I think what I meant in my recently decaffeinated state (ouchy withdrawals), is that it’s more of what we’re moving from that distresses. Part of it can be looked at as “thank goodness I survived that!” and part of it will always lurk as something forever lost, and that hurts. My ill-made point was that there’s nothing magically awful about 30 (outside of Logan’s Run) or other age, and the “forever lost” part is slowly getting more optional.
Genevieve has the other side of that, of course, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, either, within limits. It’s like someone who started decluttering their life and after a big initial clearing looked around and was irritated by the next layer, too. Or like me being more critical about my band’s music now, when we’re enormously better than a year ago. The smaller issues stand out much more than the big ones did, if only in my mind. My analogies aren’t very good today; but I admire Genevieve’s determination, and that takes no explanation.
I hear you and it totally makes sense. I admire Genevieve as well.
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Forgot the rest, oy:
- “Cute” might be more commonly a West coast term, come to think of it. A particular meaning round here.
- I am so making those scallops.
- deutlich’s point is one I’m gonna try to live by: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Now if only my stupid will would stick around…
Hm, I don’t think cute is West Coast, just not something I hear a lot. I am not very cutesy.
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As someone who has crossed over the 30 threshold with a LOT of extra lbs, and then taking a long time to take it off? I get it. And I’m only halfway done, and partly because my body just reacts and settles differently. It fucking sucks, but in many ways, it’s not unchangeable. I started working with a personal trainer 2x a week 2 months ago. The scale stopped moving a month ago, but in 7 weeks I lost 3 inches in my waist and 2% body fat. And dropped a size. I got more compliments in 3 days than I had in over a year and over 60 lbs. Mostly because I was in the gym and had added strength training. I’m not suggesting you necessarily get a trainer, but if you change it up in the gym, look at Self.com (or whatever) and get on the weights or resistance, etc? Your body will react favorably. Especially since you are still IN your 20s.
I apologize if you already know this, but I thought it might be worth sharing just in case. And I echo the sentiments of everyone here, that I love that you talk about these kinds of struggles so openly. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t even be sharing this stuff in a comment. It really is amazing.
No, no…always share. I have been thinking of getting a trainer, but the cost is always a bit of a deterrent. I always appreciate your comments and that you also share openly…thanks for chiming in.
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the wife: What do you think of X?
me: She’s cute, but too damn skinny. Give her a burger!
We need a little something soft to hold on to, ladies.
Well, I have it. Don’t you worry.
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Those scallops look delicious. DELICIOUS!
And easy! You should try ‘em.
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I’m lazy. Why don’t you make them for me?
Next time I am in RI, for sure.
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I have been heavier than I am now and I’ve been thin. Of course I do wish I could be thinner again, but I still like what I see in the mirror because it’s me. I’ve worked hard to get every wrinkle I have and am proud of my age. As for children, no one got more stretch marks than I have…that being said I wouldn’t change them for all the money in the world as you and your brother were well worth the trade off. Oh yes, and I once had someone say to me about my stretch marks that it told my story. He meant that in the most wonderful of ways and he told me he thought they were beautiful as they were the story of me. That man is the man I am now married to. He also loves me when I’m heavy and thin. He tells me that sexy is in your head. He truly makes me beautiful and I see that in myself now too.
You Lexa are gorgeous. Love the story of your life, good, bad and indifferent as it has made you who you are today!
I do believe in the whole “this has lead me to where I am” kind of thinking. Sure, it has been my journey…but you know me better than this, Mom. I am not going to just accept it or just be happy because I “should” be.
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As someone who is much closer to 40 than she wants to be, I disagree with the fatalistic “it just shifts around and it’s out of your hands.” It takes more vigilance and effort – I see no way around this – but I think if you change what you do at the gym, you will get back to where you want to be. I don’t know that you have to do more, necessarily, just different. At least, that was my solution, but it meant I hired someone to help me sort out what the different was.
The junk in the trunk, however, is mine for keeps, no matter what I do. My essential shape hasn’t changed (I just have to keep working on the firmness of the packaging).
Long long looong way to say, it is not downhill at 30 and beyond. It just takes some figuring out.
I don’t think it will be downhill at 30. I hope it doesn’t come off that way…it is just hard to know some of these things just get harder.
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“You need shiny packaging to catch the eye of a buyer. I’ve lived it. I know how much it matters.”
I feel you 100%! Lets say fuck it and go get tattooed…
I am DYING for new ink. DYING.
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Can we get some booty pics up in here?!?! No? Um, well then this is awkward.
I’ll go now.
Ha…maybe one day.
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New reader! You know, sometimes when I wear clothes that are a bit loser (not baggy! Just looser) I feel better about myself since not everything is on display! It’s more forgiving and leaves more to the imagination. just what works for meee
Welcome Shel. And yes, I wear pants that fit…promise.
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Hey, I actually had scallops myself last night – have you ever tried them with a spicy papaya salsa?
As for the rest, I wouldn’t worry too much about it…you seem perfectly normal to me
I’ll do my best.
And no. I have not…I am intrigued.
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… and today I complained about my lack of weight gain on my blog… : )
Very jealous.
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Believe in constant improvement, not that “weight shifts around after 30″ crap. That is what happens to the people who did the same thing today that they did yesterday, and this goes for all of life really.
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those scallops looks amazing.
tell me about the 30’s. i had a meltdown a couple of months ago before i hit 29. i remember calling my mom in tears and really panicking. it was so much easier back then. no care in the world and now it’s hitting you all at once that there’s no controlling any of it.
right now i’m more at ease with hitting 30, but ask me again next year, 1 month before i actually hit it.
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Is it ironic that posts like this give me a warm fuzzy feeling? Yet another fantastic piece.
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Unfortunately weight management is a challenge for life! I think the real secret is to eat what you want but just slowly cut down on the portions. You don’t ever need to starve and you should enjoy the food you like!
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Wow, Lem, I so admire your honesty and willingness to share where you’re at.
I have to admit, reading posts like this, and all the subsequent comments where women (and men) reveal their discontent/dislike/self-loathing about their bodies, makes me want to burst into tears. I wish it was easier or more natural to love oneself regardless of the numbers, and however naive it may seem, I refuse to give up on that wish, despite the fact that you are right about the reality that the shiny packaging gets more attention. Like deutlich, I know the terror that sudden attention evokes, driving me back up the scale. Maybe someday I’ll have the courage to delve into it on the blogosphere, but for now I’ll thank YOU for opening up the conversation.
Perhaps if everyone could just see themselves through the eyes of those who love them, we’d all be a lot more at peace – not complacent, but maybe just not poking and prodding so much, you know?
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30 has nothing to do with it….. bring it
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It’s probably hormonal. Your probably rolling with higher levels of estrogen then usual.
Could be age or could be your choice of birth control.
Time to get off the treadmill and hit the heavy weights.
Pretty sure it isn’t my pill….
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Lem-
you are dead on about how you don’t really change your body image even when your body changes. I have to say though I’d pick your issue over mine.
The silver lining for you is that although your mind may see a heavy you – you can look in a mirror and send that image packing. My mind remembers a me without a double chin and recoils in horror from every reflective surface and photo it encounters.
I was always thin until I miscarried – now I am about 65 pounds heavier. Depression will do that to ya. And after 40 it is harder to get it off. The body fights to hold on to every ounce.
On the plus side – my new man is running me ragged and I rarely have time to eat so maybe with his help I’ll beat this old body back into (better) shape.
You are lovely – and although that will be hard to remember on some days – use that mirror and your friends to remind you until better days roll around.
Thanks Tina…and congrats on your new son! This is such great news and warms my heart.
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I can’t believe you went without me. I had the shoe polish all ready to go.
…I really hope no one gets that.
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