Yesterday afternoon, I found myself watching the finale of “The Pick Up Artist”, or as I affectionately refer to it, “The Vagina Whisperer”.
And when I say “I found myself watching” this trainwreck, I mean “I actually kind of love this show and it makes me judge myself harshly, but I cannot stop”.
As I chatted with EJ while I watched, this painful admission came to light:
Me: Um, Mystery is kinda hot…if he ditched all the douche gear
EJ: ew, really?i can’t look beyond the douche gear
Me: EJ, I am sure this comes from a place of self loathing
I don’t like myself for this attraction, but I cannot tell a lie. Underneath the soul patch and the ridiculous hats and velor, Mystery gives me the tiniest of tingles. He is kind of tall and I am down with the long hair, and OH MY GOD, I JUST STABBED MYSELF. Someone stop me, please.
Thankfully, I have done enough the past few months to keep the Universe in tact. The world will not come tumbling down around me. I may have a teeny, tiny crush on Mystery but I am still a good person. I give to charity. I eat my leftovers. Hell, I give away baked goods on the internet.
To right the balance of the world, I sent these chocolate pistachio biscotti to Ava V a few weeks back. They took over a week to get there even though I send them priority, so I am quite glad I chose biscotti as her treat. With the holidays upon us, these would be the perfect gift to ship off to loved ones. I’d recommend making these in to two logs to make shorter biscotti; some of them were very long and are prone to cracking. Also, buy more pistachios than you think you need; I grabbed what I was sure would equal a cup and I came up short. Ava loved these, and how couldn’t she? Loads of chocolate and pistachios all ready to dunk on some coffee or cocoa is pretty perfect.
Now if only these could scrub the visions of Mystery out of my head.
Chocolate Pistachio Biscotti
From Martha Stewart
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for baking sheet
2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for baking sheet
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup shelled pistachio nuts
1/2 cup chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour a baking sheet; set aside.
In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the whisk attachment, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs; beat until well combined, scraping down sides of bowl if necessary. Add flour mixture, and stir to form a stiff dough. Stir in pistachios and chocolate chips.
Transfer dough to prepared baking sheet; form into a slightly flattened log, about 12 by 4 inches. Bake until slightly firm, about 25 minutes. Cool on a wire rack for about 5 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 300 degrees.
On a cutting board, using a sharp serrated knife, cut biscotti diagonally into 1-inch-thick slices. Arrange biscotti, cut sides down, on baking sheet, and bake until crisp but still slightly soft in the center, about 8 minutes.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Mystery without all the douche gear combined with Robert Downey Jr. is a dead ringer for my first love and taker of my “special lady gift”…and he was a big manho as well.
Tall men and their piercings. Thankfully my guys was in a hidden spot. Muahahaha.
I need sleep.
Ouch is all I have to say to that.
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Wow! Seriously? I mean I understand the fascination with a train wreck, but good god woman he wears a velor top hat! Okay, so I have seen it too and was sucked in after a few drinks, but my roommate made me watch. Okay, so it was my idea, but that doesn’t mean anything!
Good lookin’ biscotti by the way.
Look, I don’t need your judgment. I hate myself for this; isn’t that enough?
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freaking YUM. i want them right now, with my coffee.
Yeah, better than my yogurt and Fiber One I had for breakfast…that is for damn sure.
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I will never succumb to the ashy elbows of Matador.
His hair does look better gown out though…
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I’m not even going to say anything.
(but the biscotti looks tasty)
Thank you for sparing me. It is appreciated.
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Oh. My. God. You have no idea how hard this made me laugh. Pretty much because it sums up how I feel about a handful or so of pretty boys… Jared Leto, Davey Havok, James Franco…
Pass the knife, please.
Jared Leto will always be Jordan Catalano to me. ALWAYS.
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she speaks the truth people. i don’t understand how you’re drawn to mystery but i do find myself compelled to watch that show. there’s definitely something about it, he just needs to get rid of the douche gear, it definitely hurts him.
He needs a makeunder maybe? I don’t know. He needs something, though.
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I haven’t seen the show yet, but somehow now I feel like I need to grow a soulpatch
haha Don’t judge yourself, it’s ok. We’ll just do it for you.
Thank GOD you are here to judge me.
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I may have a teeny, tiny crush on Mystery but I am still a good person
No.
Not after unveiling this. No you’re not.
I think this was a brave admission!
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Frieda Kahlo had a soul patch.
And some spectacular eyebrows.
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I know no Mystery and it’s probably best to keep it that way. But I am attracted to those chocolate-hazelnut dunkers and may just have to make my first batch of biscotti! What food group do they fall in ?
They fall in to the delicious food group!
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Oops, it was pistachio nuts. They are equally appealing!
I bet hazelnut would be just as good though.
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I found all of that talk about “Isolating the target” verrrrry creepy.
Us women are but moving targets. Duh.
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Biscotti + French Press Coffee + Cigar = Triumvirate of Civility
I will pass on the cigar, but it is pretty damn civil.
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Thanks for the best fit of hysterical laughter a morning’s seen in ages! Good thing no one else was in the office yet…
I have not seen that show (they should change to your new title for it) and am carefully avoiding it. Sounds addicting in a painful sort of way. Saw clips on YouTube and cringed a lot, but wanted to see more. Dangerous. Your reaction to Mystery in spite of any rational or usual patterns is both predictable and perplexing: it’s what he does, and teaches, and I do not pretend to be able to explain it, but have seen that sort of thing over and over since Jr. High.
barbara, I’m planning to make them too. They will fall into the food group I keep in my stomach. Which reminds me, I gotta hit the gym tonight.
Macadamias would work, too, now’s I think about it.
Look, I am just here to speak the truth. The truth is, I am one confused woman sometimes.
Macadamias would be awesome. They are like little pats of butter.
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Me too. Except for the woman part, me being a man and all. But yeah.
Ok, that sounds like time for coffee. And maybe macadamias.
We are all confused souls.
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That is one of the few VH1 shows I’ve never surrendered to. But I did love how the commercials for the finale (which I saw plenty of while watching Rock of Love: Charm School) made it look like some huge sentimental journey of growth. Growth and poon hunting.
Doesn’t one grow while hunting poon? It is the key to life and all.
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Ha.Ha. You like Mystery.
Repeat after me: “Circle, circle, dot, dot, I got the cootie shots.”
I like Mystery. I hate myself. Here you have Lem in a nutshell.
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I thought women being attracted to douche bags was the point of that show. Aside: I have a friend who went to a Mystery bootcamp. He is now the creepiest person I see get lucky regularly.
Let me be clear; I think underneath all the bad clothes and posturing is an inherently good looking man, is all. And welcome Casey!
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As Michael Jackson would creepily say, you are not alone. I, too, have been known to watch this show. Brian was my fave, but I hear he got kicked off. (And now if you’re telling me that they already ran the season finale, clearly, I have a lot of catching up to do…)
But regarding Mystery, I think it’s damn near impossible for me to see him as a legit individual. He really just reminds me of the Hamburglar, but several people have questioned my devotion to Norm Coleman, so to each her own, I say. Hmm…just a passing thought — I’d love to see Tyra makeover Mystery…
Lastly, oh my stars, I love biscotti!
Norm Coleman?! Though who am I to judge…my political crush is Paul Begala.
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It sounds like he tries to be fashionable (I like the top hat), but needs to replace “soul patch” and “eyeliner” with “mustache” and “monacle”. Then he’d be on to something.
Are the ladies in to monocles, though?
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Ok, now I have to gouge my eyes out after reading that.
The biscotti looks good, however.
bh, please don’t hurt yourself. That would sadden me.
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I may have to stop communicating with all women younger than my wife and older than my daughter (yes, I can hear the cheers), just for the sake of my sanity. First my niece’s bizarre facebook revelations, and now this.
I am a grown woman in touch with my inner conflicted soul. Don’t hate me. One day, your daughter may feel the same way.
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Now you’re just being mean.
Hey, I am just warning you. I didn’t come from nowhere.
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I am not one to judge on who we find attractive.
But this one might require a face slap of some sort.
I deserve it. I really do.
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CIRCLE SLASH MYSTERY.
You are jealous of our love, is all.
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The Vagina Whisperer? Loves.
Use it, but remember…with great power comes great responsibility.
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Seriously, if I were a man and if I weren’t married, I’d be working so hard to sweep you off your feet, you amazing chocolate-wielding goddess, you.
One day, I may be forced to turn…I will keep you in mind. You sure are cute!
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Um. Submitted and then realized that if I were a man I wouldn’t be in my current marital situation…so strike one or the other.
Hm, well, I can dream.
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How are you not fat?? Seriously, I must know this!
Well, I worked out twice yesterday. And these were gifts, so they were given away. If you search through the archives you will see many posts about my battle with my weight. I wouldn’t call me skinny by any stretch.
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I suppose your confession isn’t that bad. A girlfriend’s mom once told me that she always thought Stalin was very attractive.
See! Can’t help your attractions.
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I would rather have sex with one of your biscotti than Mystery.
And I am not ashamed to say this.
I imagine it may be a bit…dry. But, as we all know, this happens.
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Dadgum woman. My loins yearn for this, and a hot cup of tea.
Loins! I will make you a treat sometime soon.
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And in a nutshell (pun oh so intended) the secret reveals itself. Women (not all, but pleeeeenty) are attracted to douchebags with attitude and personality. It works for a reason you my dear Lem are not alone.
Let Roissy explain the mechanics as he is oh so more eloquent than I. Just know that I would no more judge you for that than you would judge me for having a crush on Giada. If I thought I could work game in a velvet top hat….alas no.
Oh, I know Roissy could explain it. I am merely saying, physically, Mystery–or Erik, as I like to call him–ain’t so bad.
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hahahahaha! vagina whisperer. he always seemed like an overblown LARPer to me, but i guess they have a a geeky appeal. much like one would be drawn to a wizard or something…
Some of my best friends are wizards.
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Erik James Horvat-Markovic should always be referred to as Erik. Without the the nickname, he’s just a douche with a soul patch and silly clothes.
You are a wise man. He will always be Erik to me.
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I have recently been searching all over for this post. Good thing I came across it on Msn.
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