It is no secret that I like things a bit dirty. My men, my room, my life…it is all a little rough around the edges up here.
God knows I have a deep and fervent love of junk food as well. I cannot keep my mouth shut about pigz in blanketz, declaring my love and adoration from every rooftop. Corndogs? Oh, sweet, merciful carb encrusted processed meat…I love you so. I have worked over many a food court.
So, one would think I would find the perfect marriage of culinary garbage and dirty, white trash behavior at the great American treasure: the bowling ally.
Last Saturday night, I accompanied AuntLifesaver and Superboy to Bowl America in Fairfax. Now, I was quite excited. I had on tight jeans, an even tighter t-shirt, and I was ready to get dirty. I not so secretly love bowling.
As soon as we got there, we made a bee line for the concessions stand. It was dinnertime and AuntLifesaver and I were craving some greasy food and yellow beer. Superboy just wanted pizza, like any reasonable 6-year-old. AuntL and I were filled with glee as we walked through the place. It was how bowling alleys should be: musty, harshly lit, outdated and reeking of the stale smoke that 1976 forgot. This wasn’t Lucky Strike and for that, we were incredibly thankful.
We placed our order and grabbed our pitcher of beer. The glasses were quite nostalgic for me; we had the same exact ones in my house when I was a little girl. It made sense, really, as beer is now my milk. We played a few frames and AuntL went up to get the food. While she was gone, I proved what a responsible adult I am when I stopped Superboy from picking gum out from under our bench. While I know he “was just trying to help the janitor”, I am quite sure that is how children acquire foot and mouth disease.
Sounds perfect, yes? Well, the company was lovely. Also, with the help of the bumpers, I came out in front and won the game. Yes, I served a first grader and I am proud of it. The beer was wet and cold, so it served its purpose. The fries were undersalted, but hey, it is a bowling ally. I was 100% down with the dipping sauces that came with our run-of the-mill chicken tenders: honey mustard and ranch dressing are pure Americana. But Superboy’s pizza? Great googly moogly, I have no idea how that child choked it down. Sure, he had his hands on prehistoric gum about 20 minutes before eating the pizza, but I would like to think the boy has some discerning tastes. It was smelly, freezer burned abomination. It was also undercooked.
Now, I am in no way snobbish. If given the opportunity, I would mainline queso. Yet, is it too much to ask for my junk food to be done right? I think not.
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{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m all for greasy food and beer. In moderation of course.
Moderation being the key to life and all.
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I’ve been jonesing to get to the Bowl America before the end of the year. I now know who to ask to be my date. Expect an invite soon!
Oh, the place is heaven. I would be more than happy to be your lady love for the night.
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Reason no. 643 why we are the same person. I, too, LOVE an old, dirty, smoky bowling alley. That Lucky Strike crap is an abomination to REAL bowling, man. And I would totally nom those chicken fingers in gobs of honey mustard. Sounds like a fun time! Though, I can’t believe you laid the smackdown on an innocent, gum-picking child.
Oh, and I also can’t believe you wrote a post about bowling with nary a ONE Lebowski reference. I would not have been able to exhibit such restraint, so good on ya. Happy Repeal Day!
There was a locked up cigarette machine there–with packs still in it. It was glorious.
I drank a White Russian while I wrote this…does that count?
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Ah, the bowling alley. It’s the redneck version of zion. Where time stands still and you can gather all the main components necessary for coronary shut-down. I love it! But, everyone knows not to get the pizza, duh. Gotta go with the hot dog and chicken strips. (ever notice the bartender is still trapped in ‘76 too)
He is a child..of course he wanted pizza. One cannot reason with that.
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I’m going to order a Caucasian and wear my bathrobe, if that helps, BJ.
You are a helper, Frecks.
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We’re on the same page when it comes to bowling and bowling alleys. I love that one and I hate Lucky Strike (unless somebody else is paying – then I only moderately dislike it).
Well, when things are free, you can generally temper your hatred.
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Wow, not just Bowl America, but Bowl America in Fairfax. If that isn’t expanding your horizons, I don’t know what is. Next you’ll be telling me you went to Manassas.
I felt like an explorer, experiencing a Brave New World.
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Oh, I hate fancy bowling. Bowling, like sex, is supposed to be fun, easy, and a bit dirty.
You are so wise, Shannon. Also, we got a lane easy peasy. There is always such a long wait at Lucky Strike.
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ha chicken fingers. good ole greasy chicken fingers.
(i hate when they are called “tenders.”)
ps- myself and a couple RI-folk (one being your sibling!) may or may not have ordered a 60 piece (im not joking) nugget combo from BK a couple weeks ago. with the gammet of dipping sauces. pretty much my caloric intake for the month right there. woo!
BK has a 60 piece?! I am surprised LittleBro shared. Greedy bastard.
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I hate (or love) to admit it but I am not picky AT ALL when it comes to food. I mean maybe I just love it too much.
I just always order stuff with cheese. It’s so hard to screw up cheese.
Smothered in cheese is the way to go, but that pizza was not ok.
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Another type of classic bowling-alley junk food are cheap hot dogs that leave a pink dye stain on the (stale) rolls.
Peter
Pink dye stain? Foul.
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I’m pretty sure my apartment building smells like this bowling alley. Ah, the sweet smell of old ciggies and crack… home, sweet home.
Also, it’s amazingly easy to fuck up junk food. I remember once getting some fries from Wendy’s that could have passed for overdone spagetti.
And Wendy’s is usually much better than McD’s…bastards.
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Gawd, I haven’t been bowling in years. Probably not since the event described in my little TMI Friday last week.
Ahhh, bowling ally food. Chicken fingers. Fries with melted Velveta drizzled on top. Chili dogs. Chili cheese fries for that matter. Oh so good.
As good as food at the ball park, but tons cheeaer. Thanks Lemmy for reawakening this desire. It must be satisfied. Now. Now I say.
Velveeta…the Ford Pinto of cheeses.
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dammit, I’ve been craving chicken fingers for about a week now. This only makes it worse.
Give in! You deserve them.
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Bowling, corn dogs, greasy food and beer?
THAT is RIGHT up my alley.
I llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllove bowling, even though I suck at it. And corndogs are the best thing since sliced bread.
Corndogs are really up there for me. Ever had the Morning Star fake ones? Really good and much better for you.
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That Fairfax Bowl America is great because it’s suburbia with just a touch of trashy. For real trashy bowling, you need to go to Alexandria. Muffin tops and animal print gallore!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with animal print.
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Mmm…totally craving junk food now. One of the bars at college had the best chicken fingers and honey mustard sauce (somehow it was different than the usual honey mustard), plus delicious “everything” nachos. We may have, on occasion, actually licked the bowl. Oh so classy.
There is this place on the Hill, Union Pub, that is fairly insignificant but has LOADED FRIES. Yes, curly fries with salsa, guacamole, sour cream, queso, beans, jalapenos…I dream of them.
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Hate Lucky Strike (how dare they tarnish the name of such a great American cigarette!). My only problem with Bowl America is that they don’t let you sit with your food and beer right at the lane. And the smoking thing. Bowling Alleys should be smoke-filled.
No excuse for using lane bumpers though (except for Superboy). As long as you can beat a 37, you’ll be alright.
Superboy needed them….so of course I had to play with them as well. I got a 112. Is that good? (I think I know the answer to this…)
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“It was smelly, freezer burned abomination. It was also undercooked.”
But that’s classic bowling alley-style pizza. Isn’t it??
I’m so confused.
Don’t tell me my childhood was all a lie.
Your childhood was perfect.
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yeah morningstar farms makes my favorite corndog!
I remember the days when I was little and every friday my dad would go for a bowling league and he’d give me 5 dollars, with which I could buy cheesesticks (I’ve never found better cheesesticks than from the bowling alley) and play video games all night. Me and the other Friday night kids would pool quarters and beat Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while our parents got schlocked on snugglers.
Oh, mozzarella sticks. Wow. That makes me think of the restaurant I worked in during high school.
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Ahhh, the joy of renting footwear. Bowling, of course, being the only team sport in which I would willingly participate.
Yes, renting of footwear is a bit skeezy, but that is why I love it.
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How about animal prints on cholas? There were children at the bowling alley at 11:30 on a Saturday night.
OK, I am with you there.
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Mmmmmm… FRIED. Mama like.
PS, I wore a holiday-y dress just to piss you off tonight.
Luff you!
I shall throw ketchup at your holiday themed attire.
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I once got very brave in high school and stole some bowling shoes. Just walked right out with them still on my feet.
God knows where they are now… perhaps some homeless man in the middle part of South Carolina is sporting them. Let’s hope so!
On a side note, I’m in desperate need for a good holiday punch recipe for this weekend. Can be alcoholic or not.. any suggestions?
I am a big fan of mulled cider, but if that isn’t possible or up your ally, this champagne punch looks delicious.
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Lucky Strike is to Bowling Alley as Lauriol Plaza is to restaurant.
Here, here friend.
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I have my own ball and shoes. I used to belong to a restaurant league that started at 11:30 on Monday nights. I think we had fun…it is all so hazy. In fact we had the rehearsal dinner at the bowling alley, catered by Marios Pizza. I wonder if that was the beginning of the end……
I think it may have been, but I am sure it was…something.
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Rehearsal dinner at a bowling alley is inspired. My wife would be jealous if she heard that.
Hold on to your wife, SD. She is a good woman.
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It was fun on an ENORMOUS scale! I got married late (39) and everyone she and I knew had kids. Everyone got to party on cheap beer and eat pizza till we dropped. Besides, it allowed us to spend way more money in Belize.
Well, obviously Belize wins out. Sounds like fun.
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I’ve gone bowling once. ONCE. About 15 years ago. Then again, family has made it a point to tell me that I’ve grown up to be a rather pretentious prick.
Loosen up. It is a lot of fun.
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I love bowling. My grandfather was the president of a bowling league that played out of an alley built into the back of one of Texas’ oldest beer halls. I grew up around old men in bowling shirts, smoking chesterfields and pounding high life. I used to run around behind the pin setting machines at the end of the lanes.
Few things in life bring better nostalgia than going into an old bowling hall, smelling the stale smoke, the oil on the lanes, eating fried cheese sticks, and drinking the American beer.
I take my kids on weekend mornings during the winter at least twice a month.
Thanks for this post.
Your kids will remember this kind of stuff…I know I do. What a perfect way to spend the weekend.
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After seeing the picture of the pizza, but before reading the rest of your post, I thought to myself, “My god that looks disgusting. I really hope she doesn’t praise the pizza, or else I don’t know if I could bring myself to reading this blog anymore.” Needless to say, I was relieved to read the rest of the post.
I would never let you down. Come on, give me some credit.
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I love bowling, though I suck at it. And maybe this makes me dirty, but it never occurred to me on my own that renting footwear was gross – someone had to point it out to me.
I think it makes you all the more charming, not dirty.
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I love bowling, but I have a problem with eating finger foods at the bowling alley. I’ve seen the fingers that go into those bowling balls, and I definately don’t want them in my mouth.
That said, I am craving some chicken fingers and honey mustard RIGHT NOW.
Oh, I have never thought of it that way and now I am disgusted. Thanks for that.
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What’s your high game?
I don’t even know what that means.
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Kids don’t give a damn about pizza being bad or good. They just know it’s pizza.
It’s kind of like the saying “pizza is like sex: even when it’s bad, it’s still kinda good”.
Well and I guess if you haven’t experienced the joy of sex, pizza is as close as it comes.
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During high school in Connecticut I was in a weekend duckpin bowling league. Duckpin bowling is a lot harder than the regular type – 100 is a pretty decent score – but also more fun, though it’s hard to explain exactly why. Unfortunately, duckpin bowling has declined a lot in popularity, if I’m not mistaken many of the duckpin bowling alleys are gone.
My college had four or five (regular) bowling lanes in the student center, and for a short period sophomore year I worked on them as a work-study gig. It was not a pleasant job, as the automatic pinsetters constantly jammed and were a pain to unjam.
Peter
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We have a bowling alley here where the door had to be replaced after a man tried to run down his ex-wife in the lobby with his truck. That place is just amazing. And those new style bowling alleys suck.
Also, corndogs are nothing but evil wrapped in awesome.
See, I think they are awesome squared.
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Yeah, how hard can it be to screw up dough, cheese, tomato sauce, and a toppings, if there are any? I love that you not so secretly love bowling. My mom would want me to ask “find out her average”. My mom bowls in a league so that sort of thing is important to her.
Welcome, Egan. I just gotta be me…and me loves bowling.
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Oh crikey, I see someone already asked your high game. Great, you don’t know your high game. You’ll definitely not know your average.
Don’t judge…I am not perfect.
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Hands down, the best thing about bowling alleys is that they always have bars.
Whenever I go, I rarely bowl. But I do usually end up wasted.
I cannot even imagine bowling without a bar.
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