I rode the train, my iPod silenced by my thoughtlessness. The dead battery mocked me.
It was 2:15 am and I was stone cold sober. I switched trains, waiting 15 minutes before boarding a car littered with newspapers and drunken revelers.
Caught alone with nothing but my thoughts, I tried not to overhear the meaningless conversation. My eye lids were heavy and I bit the inside of my cheek in an effort to stay awake. I’d fallen asleep on trains before, and luck has always been on my side; some one had always roused me from my slumber. It was far too cold to be caught at the end of the line tonight, though.
A train malfunction meant we lingered at every stop for 5 minutes. I felt desperate and trapped. My stop mercifully arrived and I shuffled off the train, my feet throbbing. I walked up the hill to my apartment, every breath stinging in my chest. A woman across the abandoned street took the same journey home, our footsteps ringing off each other.
I rushed in the door and dropped my things. I was welcomed by a blast of cold air. The radiator has frozen shut. I desperately tried to pry the knob open, bloodying a knuckle and cursing under my breath.
The tears stung in my eyes. I allowed myself to feel something for just a moment: loneliness. At that moment, after an evening spent with couples, bustling around several rooms packed with friends, I felt painfully alone. I wanted my quiet nights filled with thoughtful reassurances, not the inanity of drunk people. I yearned for someone to keep me awake, to look out for me. I wanted a body to keep me warm and something besides the footsteps of a stranger to keep me company. All I wanted to hear was “Hey, don’t cry…let me help you.”
I blinked back the tears, never allowing them to spill over. Quickly, I remembered, I am quite capable of taking care of myself. I pulled out a sweater and a blanket. At 3 a.m, I reported my radiator broken and promptly received a confirmation email. For the night, this email, this sign of my independence, would be my companion. While I may want someone to share things with, I certainly don’t need anyone. I dozed off, watching “30 Rock”, laughing at Tina Fey, huddled under 4 layers, reminding myself that bitches get shit done.
Chicken Soup for the Soul? I think not.
(Note: This is a super healthy soup–no cream and lots of vegetables!–packed with clean flavors. You will need to use a blender to get a smooth consistency from the fibrous fennel, but I think it is worth it. This would be a perfect starter to a dinner party.)
Carrot and Fennel Soup
from Trouble with Toast
2 medium fennel bulbs
1 lb carrots, quartered lengthwise
1 medium onion, quartered
1 garlic clove
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 1/2 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth (you could also used vegetable broth if you are a veggie)
2 1/2 cups water (approximate-I don’t think I used that much)
Preheat oven to 450°F with rack in lowest position. Discard fennel stalks and fronds. Slice bulbs 1/4 inch thick and toss with carrots, onion, garlic, 3 tablespoons oil, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Spread in a 4-sided sheet pan and roast, stirring occasionally, until browned and tender, 25 to 30 minutes. Blend vegetables in a blender with broth until very smooth. Transfer to a medium saucepan. Thin to desired consistency with extra water and simmer 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
On any other day I would be depressed after reading this. However, I more than understand your plight. Slightly different for a guy, but the end result is the same. Next time I see you I will buy you a beer and we can commiserate togehter. Might I recommend a song called 3 a.m. by O.A.R….
It is different for guys and girls, but I know guys feel it too. Thanks for confirming.
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As sorry as I am for you feeling that way (and Lord knows I know what you’re going through in those moments), this was beautifully written. And I love carrot soup … need to throw some fennel in there next time.
Thanks so much. Also, the fennel really brightens it up.
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From one single gal to another, I f*cking loved this post.
While I firmly believe it’s healthy and perfectly okay to recognize when you might be a tad on the lonely side, it’s that much more important to remember your greatest ally, companion, and cheerleader: your self. If you’ve got that, everything else is gravy.
(Actually, I hate gravy. Let’s say life is a perfectly blended vodka dirty martini, straight up. Then, everything else is extra olives.)
Thanks, hannah. I think this–especially during the holiday season–is something we have all felt.
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That was wonderfully written, first of all. You really convey that heavy sense of loneliness- because, as Fiona Apple so eloquently put it, “full is not heavy as empty…” Around this time of year a lot of us feel alone. Whether it’s watching couples, or spending a Saturday night alone at home, no parties to attend, no one to say cheers with.
Sometimes you might not need anyone, but sometimes you’d give just about anything for a hand to hold.
Exactly; I don’t need anyone and I am unwilling to settle, but that doesn’t mean having someone there wouldn’t be nice.
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“I am quite capable of taking care of myself.” Yeah me too, but after taking care of ourselves for so many years, sometimes we just finally want a partner in life. No matter how much fun the night out was, the going home alone part is rough sometimes.
Indeed it is…uf. We are great at taking care of us, but some hand holding and hair stroking would be nice.
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Been there… Thankfully the downs are followed by a few ups… (Or so I hope?)
God, I hope.
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Yep, totally been there. We can do these things ourselves just fine, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone to wrap our arms around. I miss that.
So do I. It will come.
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Few things annoy me more than finding myself on the train with an uncharged iPod. Whenever it happens I’m invariably treated to the sound of SCA’s babbling in their stentorian voices about their latest round of cartball and, if it’s the autumn or early winter, The Most Important Sport in the World (all kneel down and (metaphorically) fellate the Almighty NFL).
I’d sooner spend an hour listening to chalk squeaking on a blackboard.
Peter
I just hate being trapped with my thoughts.
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i know this feeling well. im familiar with the lonely, and sometimes the saddest part about the lonely is that i can be surrounded by heaps of friends and other people, and i still feel it.
but the only person we can really depend on is ourselves. im glad you took care of you.
i want that soup in my tummy at lunch today.
Yes, our friends can love us and truly be there, but they cannot do everything.
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Yes, but…but! You were spared from an argument in the cab home about how you or your date was talking to that attractive man/woman for too long; you got to sail around the party and flirt with whoever you wanted; you didn’t have a person-sized appendage to babysit all night and you got all of that glorious soup to yourself!
I do agree with that; there is a lot about being single that I really love…I do what I want, when I want. I will chose alone over a bad relationship any day.
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This soup looks fab. Fab, I say!
Also, I hear ya, sister. I have one quasi-relationship going with a man old enough to be my father (well, not really, but close) who is so sXe I’m afraid to drink coffee in front of him. Then there’s the bastard who played around with my tender little heart earlier this year whom I still send drunk text messages that actually read (and I quote): “why you gota playme lik that!!1″
Bitches get shit done.
Remove his number! That is what I do. SAVE YOURSELF.
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I’ve been single, and in both good relationships and bad ones. I’d agree with HP that being alone at 3 am is far better than being in an ugly, tipsy argument and then tossing and turning on the couch. But when it’s the dead of winter, the radiator’s busted, and you’ve been in couple-land, it’s harder to see.
So, next time, do what I do when I’m the single girl among couples: play a mental game where you figure out which couples are going to bicker on the way home, and what they’ll bicker about. (Hint: the couples that act the loveiest TOTALLY fight the most. Always.)
Shannon, leave it to you. Best game I have ever heard of.
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I actually had quite similar feelings this past weekend. I blame the holiday season a little bit. But sometimes all you can do is snuggle under the covers, go to sleep, and shake it off in the morning.
As far as the soup goes – is there anything you can do with the rest of the fennel instead of tossing it? I have to say, I’m fairly ignorant when it comes to that veggie.
You can eat the fronds, toss them in a salad…
Right, sometimes all you need is the next day.
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You write beautifully and I have to admit – I’ve felt exactly the same way. And then sort’ve zipped up the feelings and kept on trucking.
I’m glad I met you at the meetup and therefore found your blog.
Really. Really glad.
That is very kind. I know we all feel this sometimes. It is not a permeating feeling for me, just one that creeps in and paralyzes me for a brief moment from time to time.
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1. Beautifully written.
2. I am glad you turned to my soup when you were feeling wonky. You’ve given me so many recipes, it’s time I returned the favor!
3. Liebchen, the stalks and fronds aren’t the tastiest part of the fennel, but you could use the latter to make fennel oil or to serve as a garnish on the finished soup.
It was an awesome recipe. And thanks, babe. God, I cannot wait for your visit.
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This is exactly the kind of vulnerable and poignant writing (not to mention delicious recipe) that keeps me coming back to your place.
I am glad you do, RR.
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Just turn the radiator on before you leave the house. It’s easier and cheaper than a relationship.
NOW you tell me.
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Tina Fey is overrated.
p.s.
Hope you feel better.
Her facial scar is smoking hot, though.
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Lemmonex,
“Bitches get shit done” should be a new bumper sticker
Honestly these feelings are shared by everyone at one point or another. What’s scary is when you get used to it and become numb to it. I read so many female bloggers who bullshit themselves with the fake, “I’m so happy and fulfilled with my life I don’t need anyone look at me and see how happy and complete I am” You keep it real.
If you want me to find you a bun, I know some guys… uh never mind my crew is kind of grimy
Yes, and I am a pristine lady.
Thanks for chiming in.
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Oh, sweetheart, reading this made me want to pick you up and cuddle you. Even though I’m shorter than you and it would look kind of funny.
I think it would look awesome. Thanks, Lisa.
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I never feel lonely. I have cats.
(They only love me when they need/want something. Furry fuckers.)
I hate cats and they make me sneeze. We are a bad match.
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awwwww *hug* those are the times when I truly appreciate being able to spoon with my blowup dol…err GF. I mean GF.
As an aside… they ever fix that thing for you?
They did! But now it is sweltering…I can’t win.
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If you come home to a cold apartment again, you let me know, okay? I’ll come fetch you and will tuck you into bed with me… and George. We’re both big spooners, though, so be prepared to be the meat in a Lemmonex sandwich.
Oh, I am counting on…er…being the meat.
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I know it’s different for guys and girls, but I am right there with you.
And I’m surrounded by 110 18 year olds every night. So there’s that…
That would drive me to drink…but much of life does.
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I know the therapeutic power of wallowing; I do it all to often. But next time, CALL ME- I was lying in my own filth on my couch. I could have easily have been doing it on yours, lover.
<3
United in wallowing…love it. And woman, I don’t want you stinking up my couch.
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Pft. You don’t know what you’re missing.
Work makes me sneeze. So, there’s that.
I know I am missing a life time on allergy meds.
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How many times have we all ridden that train thinking these same thoughts. You write what many of us feel Lem, so thanks, it’s good to know you’re not the only one.
We all are way more alike than we think.
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That was supposed to be a funny lol cat and not a creepy stalkerish blank comment. I’ll be quiet from now on.
I erased it…but also? Not fully in to LOL cats either.
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Aww, you’re not depressing. Just honest. And it sure as shit would have taken me a lot longer to remind myself that “bitches get shit done” in a cold apartment at 3 a.m. You rule!
I try to remind myself…it doesn’t always come so fast.
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I did! And then the fucker kept texting me! I’m a prisoner of my own weakness.
Oh MAN. What an asshole.
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I hate fennel. But I love this post.
We will raise a glass soon, you and I. To bad furniture, tiny apartments, good food, giant-ass mixers and bitches who get shit done.
My glass trembles in anticipation–cannot wait.
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I had the same feelings last night…except it ended with me crying in public…in a bar (the Dubliner)…with a friend who was trying to listen but who instead kept poking at my soft underbelly.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Will try the soup. I’ve been making Butternut Squash soup with light coconut milk, cilantro, and jalapenos lately.
Ah, bar tears. We have all been there.
BTW, I can never read your blog! It is screwed up for me somehow.
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wait !! i thought you married Hammer???
*hugs* dont worry kiddo if we didnt allllll have moments like this….the Lifetime Network wouldnt exist… and in this economy… where else would those folks work???
so..essentially youre stimulating the economy…
xoxo
Hammer has already dumped me…that cad.
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This post made me sad, which is strange because I have only three mood settings, indifferent, charming, and angry.
A heart beats in there, DF…
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This wasn’t funny.
Tomorrow back to humiliations and tales of drunkening. Does this make you feel safe again?
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Isn’t it funny. I’m in a great relationship but I miss those nights when I could just get home crawl into bed and be alone. I am almost never alone, but I sometimes feel loneliness for the solitude I once had.
Our lives are always shifting, that is for sure.
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Everyone feels like this sometimes. Everyone. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. This leads to my theory about why music is so powerful – for any emotion or feeling going through your head there’s a band or a song that will make you feel better, pick you up, or bring a smile to your face. That’s why I give out mix CDs constantly… you never know when you’ll need some good music!
Having said that, this is some awesome prose. I can only hope to someday write like that – you should turn this into the beginning of a short story or something. “I awoke the next day to sunshine streaming through my windows and a renewed determination to live life to its fullest..” (except not so sesame street… but I wrote that in about 30 seconds)
Music can be incredibly powerful–there are certain songs that just make me cry instantly. Or smile…works both ways.
And thanks…I don’t know if short stories are my forte, but I have been trying to explore other forms of writing.
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I’m not sure I could have picked myself up and dusted myself off as quickly as you did. It takes chutzpah to live alone anymore. Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I feel like I am faking it…but you have to fake it to make it.
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Lovely post. I’m sorry you had such a rough night but kudos to you for putting it to good writing use.
- Elizabeth
Thanks, Elizabeth. Silver lining in everything…
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I love it, “Bitches get shit done”. I LOVE THAT!!
Ha, thank Tina Fey!
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Very human post. Home maintainence emergencies bring out my weepy side too.
Why can’t these things fix themselves?
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You write beautifully and sad until you pull it together and reverse course. Well played. I suggest a heated mattress pad for such chilly occasions. It kept Mrs Alpha and me warm (duel zones) many a night until alas…twas just I.
Eh, believe me, I am still sad sometimes. I wish it were so easy.
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I love fennel. Being alone is most difficult when you are cold. Maybe a big dog would help?
Fennel is underrated. I wish, but I am allergic!
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First of all, the only thing beautiful about this piece is that you manage to maintain coherence despite your rampant overuse of verbiage and extraneous punctuation.
Second, I found your attempts to keep warm more likely related to your human survival instincts than a declaration of independence.
Third, I’m insulted at your attempts to pass off public sulking as an empowerment piece.
Thanks for your thoughts. By the way, welcome to the internet, where people express emotions…whether it be joy, sadness or “sulking”. Some people seemed to relate.
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Many thanks.. Still another remarkable way of looking at things, truly precisely why My spouse and I return to your web log over and over again!
YAHAIRA
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