3 a.m.

Posted in Healthy, Vegetarian on December 10, 2008

I rode the train, my iPod silenced by my thoughtlessness. The dead battery mocked me.

It was 2:15 am and I was stone cold sober. I switched trains, waiting 15 minutes before boarding a car littered with newspapers and drunken revelers.

Caught alone with nothing but my thoughts, I tried not to overhear the meaningless conversation. My eye lids were heavy and I bit the inside of my cheek in an effort to stay awake. I’d fallen asleep on trains before, and luck has always been on my side; some one had always roused me from my slumber. It was far too cold to be caught at the end of the line tonight, though.

A train malfunction meant we lingered at every stop for 5 minutes. I felt desperate and trapped. My stop mercifully arrived and I shuffled off the train, my feet throbbing. I walked up the hill to my apartment, every breath stinging in my chest. A woman across the abandoned street took the same journey home, our footsteps ringing off each other.

I rushed in the door and dropped my things. I was welcomed by a blast of cold air. The radiator has frozen shut. I desperately tried to pry the knob open, bloodying a knuckle and cursing under my breath.

The tears stung in my eyes. I allowed myself to feel something for just a moment: loneliness. At that moment, after an evening spent with couples, bustling around several rooms packed with friends, I felt painfully alone. I wanted my quiet nights filled with thoughtful reassurances, not the inanity of drunk people. I yearned for someone to keep me awake, to look out for me. I wanted a body to keep me warm and something besides the footsteps of a stranger to keep me company. All I wanted to hear was “Hey, don’t cry…let me help you.”

I blinked back the tears, never allowing them to spill over. Quickly, I remembered, I am quite capable of taking care of myself. I pulled out a sweater and a blanket. At 3 a.m, I reported my radiator broken and promptly received a confirmation email. For the night, this email, this sign of my independence, would be my companion. While I may want someone to share things with, I certainly don’t need anyone. I dozed off, watching “30 Rock”, laughing at Tina Fey, huddled under 4 layers, reminding myself that bitches get shit done.

Chicken Soup for the Soul? I think not.

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(Note: This is a super healthy soup–no cream and lots of vegetables!–packed with clean flavors. You will need to use a blender to get a smooth consistency from the fibrous fennel, but I think it is worth it. This would be a perfect starter to a dinner party.)

Carrot and Fennel Soup

from Trouble with Toast

2 medium fennel bulbs
1 lb carrots, quartered lengthwise
1 medium onion, quartered
1 garlic clove
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 1/2 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth (you could also used vegetable broth if you are a veggie)
2 1/2 cups water (approximate-I don’t think I used that much)

Preheat oven to 450°F with rack in lowest position. Discard fennel stalks and fronds. Slice bulbs 1/4 inch thick and toss with carrots, onion, garlic, 3 tablespoons oil, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Spread in a 4-sided sheet pan and roast, stirring occasionally, until browned and tender, 25 to 30 minutes. Blend vegetables in a blender with broth until very smooth. Transfer to a medium saucepan. Thin to desired consistency with extra water and simmer 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Oh, if you are still reading, check out So Good today. It isn’t nearly as depressing.