A new friend recently espoused some deep wisdom.
“Men”, she said, “need three things: sex, praise and food”.
Could this be it? This is all it takes? Not loyalty or companionship or even love? I felt the key to life was in my hands. But then I started to worry…
As a virgin, I became fearful. (Shut up… ALL OF YOU.)
As a life long ball buster, I knew I was screwed.
But, I can cook. That counts for something. Perhaps not all is lost.
He did seem to like this though. A lot. Maybe you just need food?
Mustard. Herbs. Garlic. Not quite the trifecta of sex, praise and food, but at least a third of the way there. I just eyeballed everything in the marinade, but these are pretty decent estimates of the proportions. Just stick your finger in to check the flavors and take a taste before dumping it on the pork. Don’t be afraid.
This pork could be a vital part to your romantic happiness. No pressure.
PS: Don’t forget to check out So Good. I am taking next week off, so go get your fix.
Herb and Mustard Pork Loin with Onions
1 pork loin
3 tablespoons dijon mustard
1 tablespoon honey
2 cloves minced garlic
1/2 tablespoon fresh rosemary chopped (or about half this amount dried)
1/2 tablespoon fresh thyme (or half this amount dried)
Salt and pepper
1 red onion, sliced
1 tablespoon olive oil
Mix together mustard, herbs, honey, garlic and salt and pepper. Place pork in a bag or bowl and cover pork with marinade. Allow to marinate for a minimum of 30 minutes. Bring pork to room temperature (about 30 minutes out of the fridge). Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Add oil to oven proof saute pan over medium heat and cook onions for about 8 minutes, until softened. Add pork loin to pan and brown on each side for about 3 minutes per side. (It should cook for about 10-12 minutes) Place pan in oven and cook for additional 12 minutes. Remove from oven and allow pork to sit for about 10 minutes. Slice (it will be pink in the middle) and serve.
10:05 am on November 19th, 2008
Wow, I’m honored! (No, really, I am.) Maybe I’ll write a book: The Tao of Brett… and her Chardonnay.
That looks delish though. Perhaps it even tasted like sex.
But in a much, much better way than that sounds.
Chardonnay often helps bring forth the truth.
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10:29 am on November 19th, 2008
One wise friend you have! I would say that threesome is just about right. I have always been most successful at the food component. I am so good that I make up for any shortcomings in the other two (ha!)
I may just have to learn to eat pork again. I wonder if it would work with a beef tenderloin…
I am obsessed with pork loin…lean and flavorful. I do think beef tenderloin would work as well, though.
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10:35 am on November 19th, 2008
Hell, I don’t even need praise.
Yes, you do. All men do. You could continue to have sex with someone with NO congratulations? I think not.
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10:42 am on November 19th, 2008
We are rather blunt instruments sometimes – though I would argue that are needs are a little more complicated. Hello, ever heard of football?
Oh, yes…and beer. That too.
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10:44 am on November 19th, 2008
A very wise friend indeed. The “holy trinity of man” is sex, then being told how good it was, followed up with a sandwich. This will produce euphoria beyond belief. If all women could understand this there would be no battle of the sexes.
I am making carnivorous fare for a work function and was thinking about going down the “coke glazed” ham road. Do you have any suggestions for a slammin ham? Cheers!
I have done bourbon glazed ham in the past…coke ham is pretty great, though.
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10:53 am on November 19th, 2008
And as I just re-read my comment, a proof reader would be nice too.
I resisted the urge to rib you on this…
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11:15 am on November 19th, 2008
Pork + mustard = awesome. As a jew, pork is my favorite food from a childhood of being deprived bacon and pepperoni and such.
I must know every fallen Jew in America…I don’t think I know a Jew that DOESN’T eat pork.
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11:22 am on November 19th, 2008
So what’s the final tally? Sex, praise, food, football and beer? Sounds manageable.
And do you think that herb and mustard marinade would work well with fish, too? I’m thinking monkfish or mahi mahi.
I think it would definitely work with a firmer fish…or salmon.
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11:47 am on November 19th, 2008
Loin is another one of those foods that I enjoy both eating and saying. There’s a naughtiness to it. Loin. Mmmm, delicious loin.
You should say it WHILE you eat it.
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12:04 pm on November 19th, 2008
I’m going to nominate sex AGAIN and make it squared.
Sex squared—our new motto.
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12:09 pm on November 19th, 2008
Men are actually a lot needier than I would have imagined at 18….or 22.
I always thought it was just about sex, but they actually have feelings and stuff! Who woulda guessed?!
Yeah, men feel a lot of feelings. It is true. It is just harder to get it out sometimes.
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12:10 pm on November 19th, 2008
Nope, not just food. All 3. And no, the praise need have not a damn thing to do with sex, as that has its own indicators – “admiration” would be a better word in the list than “praise” in any case. All 3 come in grades of quality, and that quality is made of a combination of love and skill. You can make up for lack of one with the other, if you must, but love is less the exhausting and more effective of the two. These things are compassion, love, and, yes, loyalty. They can be faked (with skill) but the trio still speaks to our most basic needs and comforts.
However, between food, admiration and sex there really isn’t any replacing one with another. That list has been known for ages, whether enumerated like that or not, and at most times food is the least of the 3 in importance to almost every man. Still important; but less so. For as long as that, a great many women have tried to weasel out of one or both of the more important items and try to carry it along with food. I won’t conjecture why; I will say that the wiser women embrace the actual ease of men.
(There are whole essays to be written here, on how love figures into food and skill figures into admiration and much more, but this is already a bit long for a comment.)
Yeah, that’s really all it takes. I’m convinced that damn near every woman realizes this eventually, or is told in pretty clear terms. The mystery is why so many refuse the successful path, especially when it’s the easy path.
This pork loin certainly holds up its end of the bargain, though. I’ll be making it this weekend, methinks.
Resistance is futile. I would say the ist is pretty similar for women. Maybe appreciation as well? That goes a long way.
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12:25 pm on November 19th, 2008
“sex, praise and food”. Yup, that just about sums it up.
“Football”, though, is really just a code word for “hunting”. It’s the closest thing we have to feeling like we’re engaging in tribal warfare.
I think most men engaged in emotional warfare with women on a regular basis. Mush more brutal than football, methinks.
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12:26 pm on November 19th, 2008
Paprika, turmeric, and Old Bay seasoning … that would be my trifecta. Not quite at the level of sex, praise and food, but close. Very close.
Peter
Close indeed, my friend. Close indeed.
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12:34 pm on November 19th, 2008
You forgot sports.
Sex is a sport.
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1:07 pm on November 19th, 2008
hmm, “I felt the key to life was in my hands.”
Hm? Are you being dirty? Am I dirty for thinking you are being dirty?
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1:09 pm on November 19th, 2008
I’ve heard sex described as the only sport where the participants are simultaneously observers. Curious, and a little brain-bending.
I would say the list is pretty similar for women.
Oh so? I only wish it were true. However, since we don’t seem to have any notion of what that list would be, I’d very much like to see that holy trinity listed.
Holy trinity, Batman!
Erf. Sorry…
Man, I will have to think on this one, but I think love, sex and appreciation? But if you love someone, you should appreciate them…never that simple though.
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1:10 pm on November 19th, 2008
(“We” being the dudeful side of humanity. Some doubtless claim to know. I’d like to know what a woman thinks of it.)
I gotcha. I have no idea. Hopefully someone chimes in.
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1:14 pm on November 19th, 2008
So
infrequent blow jobs and occassionalsex,falsepraise, andblandfood is all?That would certainly capture the needs of most chimps but I suppose that’s how highly regarded men are nowadays.
DF, you know nothing with me is half assed.
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1:17 pm on November 19th, 2008
You could continue to have sex with someone with NO congratulations? I think not.
Depends. On a scale of 1-10, how hot is she?
These things are subjective.
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1:35 pm on November 19th, 2008
Women need food, water and compliments, so we’re about even.
Maybe sustenance is one category? I dunno, seems like something is missing.
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2:18 pm on November 19th, 2008
Hair product? Tequila? I can think of one other thing, but it isn’t TMI Thursday….
Tequila! That is it.
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3:06 pm on November 19th, 2008
Everything comes down to the math:
(sex+food)+(praise)=love
Love is your known quantity, love is x. However you feel when you’re in (x), well, that’s love.
So, any combination of (sex+food) and (praise) can equal (x). If we’re getting a lot of (sex), we require less (food) since man can live on (sex) alone. As men, we consider (sex), (praise) in and of itself. It’s like you’re little gift to us for being good.
A good example of this would be an ex of mine who provided much of the former while I did all the cooking. And I liked it.
Conversely, if (food) is of a stunning quality [quality has its own quantity], the (sex) can be of a lesser quantity [but still of high quality] and you will still have the same sum: (x).
(Football) falls into the (sex) category and can act as a partial substitute as it stimulates the same area of our underdeveloped brains.
(Beer) is the wild card and can be used to increase the value of all three factors. Not getting enough (sex)? Increase your (beer) intake. (Beer)=(food), nuff said. Girlfriend or boss giving you a hard time? Have some (beer) and you’ll make it all better.
Like a physicist attempting to unify gravity, the strong and weak nuclear forces, and electromagnetism into the Theory of Everything, we can, and probably will, continue on this mathematical journey for a lifetime.
Wow. You put some thought in this.
Also, beer can sometimes make sex…impossible.
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3:14 pm on November 19th, 2008
Don’t you hate it when the Interwebs are being funky and you hit the button twice and look like an impatient idiot? Yeah, me too.
All fixed–wordpress has been weird today.
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3:17 pm on November 19th, 2008
So here’s the thing. I’ve tried to cook. Really. I even attempted your apples, which scared the Holy Jesus out of me because they involved The Stove. *Gasp* But I tried, because you said they were so easy it was almost a cop out. AND I FAILED. I give up. I can’t cook. But I persist in reading your blog and it makes me REALLY REALLY HUNGRY. That pork picture? HUNGRY. And I just freaking had lunch. Thus, I propose a solution. Furniture for food. You cook and eventually, after a predetermined number of meal, I’ll buy you a couch. How about it?
OK, how did you mess up the apples? You learn when you mess up.
I would like a couch please.
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5:49 pm on November 19th, 2008
Your friend is mostly correct. If she’s not already doing so, she’ll be a fine catch for someone.
I think so indeed.
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5:54 pm on November 19th, 2008
Thanks, Player. How you doin?
A possible love connection?
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11:48 pm on November 19th, 2008
This rule doesn’t really work in our house, what with the man being a chef and all….but dallgum, that pork loin makes me moist in the loins. MOIST.
I dunno, lady…that chocolate cake the other day looked pretty freaking tasty. A man would stick around for that.
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4:53 pm on November 21st, 2008
Already been caught Brett. Being wise & worldly you’ll bag a super keeper, no doubt.
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10:42 pm on November 24th, 2008
Dave Chappelle had a funny routine about this. He was ragging on women’s mags and how they always have articles like “100 Ways to Make Your Man Happy!” According to Chappelle (I paraphrase, of course): “Ladies, there ain’t but four ways to make a man happy. 1) Suck my cock. 2) Play with my balls. 3) Make me a sandwich. 4) Don’t talk so much.”
The crowd roared, gals and guys both.
Truer words, Michael…truer words.
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