Ain't No Sunshine

Posted in Failure, Healthy on September 17, 2008

Last Friday night, I did something completely out of character for me: I stayed in.

MamaBear expressed shock when she learned I was home all night. When I told her, she said, “Alone? All night? You didn’t do anything? Wow.”

The thing is, I did do something. I cleaned. I ordered sushi and drank some beer. I listened to music a bit too loudly. It was a lovely evening. I got back to basics with me.

Then, at 11 pm, I decided it would be an awesome idea to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Ya know, because I haven’t had an ugly cry in a good, long time. There is no better way to end a relaxing day than on a heap in your bed, sobbing in to a pillow, clutching your teddy bear, reliving every heartbreak and emotional transgression ever heaped upon you as snot drips down your face. I think these little releases are necessary, because God knows, my feelings scare me. I know my secret emotional pain is safe with Charlie Kaufman. Also, it is always beneficial to be reminded that sometimes, you can be pretty re-god damn-diculous. You are 27-years-old, hugging a stuffed animal, crying like a lunatic. Seriously woman, GET IT TOGETHER. There are bigger problems in the world than your achy, breaky heart.

That movie absolutely wrecks me. Raw and honest, it is impossible to watch and not wince as the two main characters slowly and painfully dismantle a relationship they had at one time nurtured with love and affection. You feel the connection and energy between Clementine and Joel and ache as you watch their union unravel. To me, the scariest part about love is trusting that this person won’t hurt you, that when you lay yourself bare in front of someone they will treat your heart with kindness and care. To love is human and often an unstoppable force, but to trust someone is a choice that could end in disaster or change your life…these are the risks we take.  All of this is fully on display in the film.

Of course, when watching the movie, one ponders: If I could, would I erase anyone from my memory? There was a time when I would have said “yes”. When the pain was too searing and the hurt too powerful, I would have gladly welcomed the wiping clean of my brain. But now? I cannot think of one person, one relationship, rendezvous, or careless romantic decision I have made that I would sweep away. Some of these men are amongst my best friends and some of them taught me just how fucking tough I really am. Cliche as it sounds, I have learned something from every single one of those beautiful disasters. Your heart can be trampled and your spirit can be bruised, but those lessons are yours. You earned them, you grew from them, and you are more alive because of them.

It is hard not to view these things as failures, but I prefer to think of them as triumphs. Every single one of us is still standing, even though sometimes you have to let it all out as you watch Jim Carey stare in to Kate Winslet’s eyes. It reminds you how far you have come, that your life is pretty damn great, and those tears are mere reminders of all the lessons you have endured. For now, I am happy that those lessons are in the past. My heart is full, it beats and it yearns, and there is a whole world of possibility out there.

We are all trying to do our best…. and the louder statement about success is made when we we stumble, what we do with life’s lemons. I was reminded of that this weekend when I made these cookies. They sucked, through and through. But the dough? The sweet, sticky batter? Perfection. Sometimes, the path to health is a little rocky. Sure, it didn’t work out this time, but it was full of possibility…and that’s enough to keep me trying.

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Damn, I need a cigarette and a hug. I totally feel feelings, y’all! I am funny at So Good today… promise. Back to the regularly scheduled shenanigans here tomorrow.

Here is the recipe, but I do not recommend you try this.