“Are you going to wear a wife beater and your Kangaroos tomorrow?”, asked my coworker, with a bit of a chuckle in his voice, as I walked towards the elevator yesterday.
It was the end of another long day at the conclusion of another long week. I am on a Flex schedule, working brutally long days Monday-Thursday but with the glorious benefit of having every Friday off. This has not actually been coming to pass lately.
“Yes, yes I am”, I replied, defiantly.
You see, here is the thing. Work has been an absolute shitshow lately. I am not very happy or fulfilled, but god dammit, they cannot stop me from being me. So, I will show up. I will do the work I have slowly come to loathe, and I will make smalltalk with my dull coworkers. But if I am dragging my ass in there on my day off, I am wearing my tank top and my bright purple sneakers. Just like when someone “mentioned” that “maybe” I might “possibly think about” taking my nose stud out, I refuse to compromise who I am at my core. I will fight the power in every small way I can.
I had a very frank and honest talk with my boss yesterday. He adores me, which is always beneficial. We both know it isn’t working. I am not happy, and he can read the discontent all over my face. Sometimes, you have to know when to walk away. The malaise I feel more than 40 hours a week is seeping into every nook and cranny of my life, haunting me after hours. If I don’t find something new soon, I am going to develop a (more serious) drinking problem or gain 10 pounds. Today, I found myself feeling the pull to consume…a whole cake? A pound of onion rings? An entire bag of juicy pear jelly bellies? Perhaps ALL OF THE ABOVE?
But, I didn’t. I think eating two 90 calorie granola bars instead of one is a binge I can live with. So, I am struggling to keep my head above water when things aren’t so great at the office, working hard at still being a good friend when I am totally preoccupied with my own unhappiness, and doing my best to concentrate on all the good things in my life. That last thing is something I must always be vigilant about; I have a strong tendency to get caught in the mud, wallowing in every small annoyance, convinced the world is out to get me. It isn’t attractive and one of the things I hate most about myself…but it is me, sadly.
So, for now, I focus on the good. I remember that no matter what they say, I can only be who I am; the girl dressing a tad inappropriately at the office. I am the girl who keeps in her piercings and lazily covers her tattoos. I will always be a bit of an outcast there, and this is a role I happily fill.
I am also the girl who refuses to let a job make her turn back to junk food…at least for more than a day. Life is good when you are taking care of yourself..I just have to remember to do it.
(Note: this is a very basic recipe I have made dozens of times. It pairs well with beef, pork or chicken. With tomatoes in season, it is a perfectly fresh side dish that takes seconds to make.)
Balsamic Roasted Tomatoes
1 pint grape tomatoes
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon olive oil
Salt and pepper
8 basil leaves, cut in to ribbons
Preheat oven to 450. Mix together balsamic, oil, salt and pepper. Toss in tomatoes and coat in mixture. Dump into roasting dish. Cook for about 25 minutes, until tomatoes wrinkle. Remove from heat and add basil.
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I am the girl who keeps in her piercings and lazily covers her tattoos.
Are there actual piercings and tattoos (other than the nose stud you mentioned), or did you just use this phrase to make a point?
No, there are. I actually took the eyebrow ring out a while back, but I have the scar to prove it. I have three tattoos as well.
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I just heard that cooked tomatoes are the BEST for you. This looks outrageously good!
I hope your work situation improves. I simply had to walk away from my job last year when it was dragging me into the mud. Life’s too short to be unhappy during most of your waking hours!
Life really is too short, and when it starts bleeding over in to everything else…time to go.
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Ha! I have my eyebrow ring scar too! The job I have now doesn’t give me the urge to fight the system as much as my last one did, so no repression here. In my other job though, anything I could sneak by them I would. I kinda miss my mini acts of rebellion.
People ask me all the time about the eyebrow scar, which I barely notice anymore. I say it got cut in the face in a bar brawl.
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one of the things that irks me about DC is that it’s a political town and that seems to keep people from ever telling you what they really think. sure, people throw out any number of strongly held opinions on bullshit political issues; but when it comes to interpersonal relationships, people seem to be too busy trying to impress each other to really notice what’s going on.
that’s dangerous. it breeds the worst kind of self-indulgence. you just need to get with that person in your life who will look you in the eyes and tell you to snap the fuck out of it.
No joke, I am SO glad I have people in my life who tell me I am being ri-goddamn-diculous. It can sting, but I need it. Also, I do the same with them.
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Hang in there, sweetie. And those tomatoes look YUMMY!
I am glad to know I always have you there for me, BJ. Love you so much.
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“I am the girl who keeps in her piercings and lazily covers her tattoos. I will always be a bit of an outcast there, and this is a role I happily fill.”
I am the guy that has to do the same. Having a full sleeve and remaining incognito in the office is quite the task. I find Fridays to my “protest” or “lazy” day. I nonchalantly roll up my sleeves, until the boss rolls around, but as soon as he is gone, the ink will be free.
I too understand what you are going through. I am trapped in the monotony of the cubicle conundrum. Though one ray of sunlight illuminates my monitor and that is you. You bring stories and cool recipes to my dull day. Today I will go to the Italian joint down the street and fetch me some balsamic tomatoes and mozzarella. That will do the job. Once again, Strong Work.
Thanks for the kind words. The blog actually serves as a light for me; I am glad I can connect to you all.
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Tomatoes look yummy…got all my favorite ingredients.
But, yeah, time for a job search on Fridays at least. What do you do (generically)? Law? Public Policy? Data management? IT? Insurance adjuster! Trade association or charitable org.? Check American Society of Association Executives Web site for good job leads here and around the country. Good luck. (Will we have to postpone the honeymoon if you don’t get a longer vacation package?)
Ah, not gonna give up what I do–something has to remain a mystery–but I will say I stumbled in to it. It is not really what I want, either. Thanks for the tip and the honeymoon is still on.
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Aw, I feel you. There’s nothing more draining than a bad job (except for maybe a bad relationship).
I had to walk away from a very bad job with nothing else lined up – it was a struggle, sure, but it was still better than having a boss who would follow me into the ladies’ room to yell questions over the stall. I ran back to temping as fast as my little legs could carry me.
Over the stall? For the love of God. Thank goodness you got out.
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You have been more than a good friend to me… I know we’re both going through uber stressful times, but I think that makes it easier. Knowing that you’re suffering too, that is. KIDDING… that I have someone who understands, I meant.
Heart you… and your moist tomatoes…
Well misery does love company…I heart you, too. So glad we have become friends.
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Yes! Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. I totally, totally feel you; thanks so much for putting into words what I’ve been trying to explain for months and months. I have a job. I have health insurance. I have dental, too, and sometimes I can pretend to be sick and get paid for it, but goddamnit, that isn’t enough anymore. I’m miserable here. Today I went on an interview for a job I think I might want, so that’s awesome. It almost negates the half-bag of spice drops I ate last night. Almost.
Ryane also wrote really well about this recently. It’s just HARD when, sure, you can do your job, but do you really want to? Bah!
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Although it’s sad to say, it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one in a killing-me-softly job. Getting paid to do nothing only has its appeal for so long. I’m bored and I’m not taking it anymore!
Oh, and I heart me some balsamic tomatoes. Yum, yum, yum (but not yummo- ha!)
Honestly, it helps me to hear other people feel the same way too. I worry sometimes I am just being a spoiled brat and I should suck it up.
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Not only do I completely relate to how you feel about your job (although it would be a huge stretch to say my boss even likes me. I think tolerates is probably more realistic!), but I just bought a huge tub of grape tomatoes at TJ’s and was looking for something more interesting to do w/them than just eating raw (of which I have already done a lot!)
I wish you luck with your job unhappiness and any career search, should you choose to pursue that path. And, I am a happy to keep my ears open to good opportunities so let me know what you are looking for…=-)
I know you can relate; you wrote so well on it. Thanks for keeping those eyes peeled…I think I will be emailing you soon.
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not to bust up this little pity party, but sometimes i get these ‘unfulfilling job’ feelings. then i remember the generations that came before us and worked in coal mines/picked cotton/sat in sweatshops/etc., and suddenly i realize that getting paid to use my brain, sort of, and spend half the day on the intreweb ain’t such a bad deal.
this isn’t to say that you shouldn’t go after what you want in life. just keep in mind that all jobs have their downsides. they all have some version of TPS reports that need to be filed.
also remember that, ‘damn it feels good to be a gangsta.”
You are right; I even said above I worry sometimes I am whining too much. I know all jobs have downsides–I just think I can find one not so soul sucking.
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man that looks awesome – I sometimes let me tomatos marinate is rice vinegar as well………yummmm
Oh, rice vinegar…also a favorite.
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Lance, I often have the same thought: “I have it pretty good, and I should stop complaining. Other people have it far worse than I do.” Perspective is very, very important.
On the other hand, when given a choice between offering perspective and compassion, I think it’s best to go with compassion.
Perspective is super important, I agree. But that also doesn’t mean I should not mobilize myself to change. Thanks, hun.
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Tomorrow! Tomorrow! You’re going! Tomorrow!
It’s only a day. A. Way!
This has nothing to do with your post. Just thought I’d turn your attention to a less cumbersome ‘engagement’.
I know, tomorrow! Dude, I am about to piss myself with excitement.
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I’ve had plenty of jobs where making lemonade was just not enough. The importance of happiness can never be overstated.
We all get by with a little help from [our] friends. So glad you have them.
I am glad I have you, RR.
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You’re too awesome not to be showered in goodness… and I mean that in the least dirty way possible. Maybe. So if you want to eat a cake, I won’t judge you (unless you don’t save me a slice). Roasted tomatoes? Reasonable replacement goodness. Save the cake for later
Thanks for keeping my secrets…always appreciated. That cake sure does call me though…
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I’ve been swing shifting it up myself these last few weeks (hence the 4am posts.) The pound of onion rings I had Monday made me really sick. C’est la vie.
I am sure the onion rings were worth it, though. A little pain is sometimes good.
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Work can just be the worst sometimes. Lately I find myself fantasizing about winning the lottery, even though I never play the lottery (because I’m decent at math and statistics).
Just think how hideous work would be if there weren’t blogs.
I have been fantasizing about moving to Vegas and becoming a showgirl with Cindarella.
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What industry do you work in and in what capacity? Is your degree in this field?
I enjoy my job most of the time, but I make my own hours and I have time to bullshit on the blogs while I wait for calculations to run. I could do almost everything from home, but I come in so my advisor sees my face and I tend to be more productive in the office.
My degree is not in my field. Seeing as I was a Women’s Studies major, I have a useless degress, but I still don’t regret it. It was the right decision at the time.
Life at work without blogs would be hell.
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I went through the exact same thing two years ago after 5 years of feeling like you do, on a daily basis. I refused to let work dictate my life anymore but then I had to move out of my beloved apartment I could no longer afford and in with Chef (which turned out nice).
Quitting it all and dogwalking for 5 months was one of the best things I did for my sanity…but now I am looking at getting another job and I am cowering in the corner, refusing to re-enter an office…but need money.
I want an online-at home job. BLISS. Patrick–you guys hiring?
Point of that rant is that you must do what you can in order to keep the lifestyle you want…but there is no reason to simmer in an office you hate–hopefully you can find something else babe…you deserve it. And I know how hard it is to find something else that is significantly better…because more corporate jobs are just hell.
Hopefully one day you will make money on doing what you love–cooking.
It is hard. I guess I am in the “want it all” generation. I want to have enough money to go out and buy nice things, but I also want to feel fulfilled. If I could cook or write for a living, all would be ok with the world.
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I have been through everything you just described. Everything. I knew I had to get out, and didn’t know how to do it. I was miserable, and acted miserably, and hated myself for it, yet seemed frustratingly unable to do a damn thing about it. It’s a terrible, crushing, consuming state of being that takes over your life.
It’s important that you were able to talk about it with your boss. And it’s more important, still, that you recognize it.
I’m sure this isn’t making you feel better about it, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone.
It does help me feel better when I know folks can empathize and I am not being silly.
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I’m resisting the urge to say something very crude….because I know your dishes are delicious….
but that photo reminds me of what happens after I’ve spent the evening at the Olive Garden, over indulging myself.
Haha, but you said it! Really, I don’t think this picture is that bad…I have taken far worse. It looks like tomatoes to me, plain and simple.
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Luckily, I have things in my life that so far transcend work that I’ve grown mostly content in my boring, decently paid, “in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.” (bonus points if you can name the movie) job.
But it still has it’s soul sucking moments, like when your Micheal Scott of a boss wants volunteers to write a “values” statement on organizational priorities. Gag.
I firmly believe that brightness finds us during dark moments in our lives. It did during my personal struggles and I know it will in yours. In the interim, here is an amazing tomato salad to bridge the gap:
2-3 Ripe heirloom tomato’s
1 red onion sliced into rings, lightly grilled.
1/4 toasted pine nuts
Arugala
Asiago cheese
Steep some Basil leaves in good red wine vinegar
Place the arugala on a plate, top with tomato slices and grilled onion rings, drizzile with the vinegar (cooled) and good olive oil. shave Asiago on top and sprinkle on salt and pepper.
I stole this from the Inn at Little Washington and it’s from memory, but go get tomato’s tonight and have a glass of rose, and smile.
I don’t know the movie…don’t hate me. This looks fantastic, bh. Thanks.
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Don’t forget the pine nuts. Sorry.
I could never forget pine nuts…
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Well, given your work travails, I highly recommend you watch Office Space (that’s the movie) right away.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0151804/
I should have known…
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