I make no apologies for my affinity for a very bloody burger. There is just something so primal, almost sensual, about tearing into one, enjoying every juicy bite. If you don’t understand this, I don’t think we can be friends.
This is why I had such high hopes for Hell Burger, Michael Landrum’s new burger joint, which resides in the same random strip mall as his flagship restaurant, Ray’s the Steaks. It takes a lot to get me to cross the river, but his hanger steak is one of the best things I have ever eaten, so that, combined with the lovely company of FreckledK, was enough to convince me to take the trip.
Am I glad I went? Yes. Was this the best burger I have ever eaten? Hell no.
Freckles ordered one of the special burgers, which was dressed with peppers, roasted garlic, caramelized onions, swiss cheese and apple wood bacon (she asked them to omit the mushrooms and they obliged). I went with apple wood bacon, Muenster cheese, caramelized onions and roasted garlic. The burgers were huge and I was sure I could never finish mine. See:
Yeah, I ate the hell out of this. Annihilated it.
So, the good stuff about Hell Burger: The meat is insanely juicy and incredibly flavorful. The toppings are fresh and of the highest quality. The cheese list is extensive and changes daily. The corn is tasty and cooked perfectly and the watermelon is a great way to end the meal. The lack of fries, is in my opinion, a very smart move; they would leave you way too full and they detract from the true star…the burger. I loved the roll of paper towel on our table in place of napkins; it was a nice touch as they were needed as the juice poured from the meat.
And now to the bad: It is cash only. The service is a bit surly. They need more space. You cannot order burgers rare. (I know, health codes. Health codes can suck it; I want my burger with a twitch.)
All this I could overlook, if it were not for one thing: the buns. Why, Why, WHY do the buns have to suck so bad? They are dry. They are crumbly. They cannot hold up to the juiciness of the burgers and fall apart. Is it so hard to find a tender, pliable bun? It was almost a slap in the face to such a perfect piece of meat that the delivery vehicle is such a freaking letdown.
I would go again because the actual burger was worth it, but the more I think about it, the more the bun situation irks me. Get it together, Landrum. Make the trip worth it, 100%.
9:28 am on July 22nd, 2008
Ahh, Lemmonex, you’ve hit the nail on the head! Good buns are absolutely essential for enjoying a good burger–or hot dog, for that matter…
I see they also used iceberg lettuce. Hmm. Another burger pet peeve of mine. Nothing beats a slice or two of crisp, crunchy, fresh Romaine in my book!
Great minds…I didn’t object to the iceberg so much; it was nice and crunchy and frankly, I am not looking for a nutrition when I eat 10 oz of meat. It is really hard to find crisp romaine, don’t you think?
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9:36 am on July 22nd, 2008
I agree 100 million percent with your criticism of the buns. I went there two weeks ago or so and, though I loved the burger, was annoyed that it literally crumbled in front of me. By the end, I was scooping up bits of burger, bun, tomato, onion, etc. It was gross. My friend, who ordered his burger sans tomato, had better luck, so I thought that was part of the problem; the tomato made the bun too wet and further weakened the already flimsy bun. Anyway, it was a tasty, but VERY messy experience.
Seriously. I think next time I am just going to remove the burger from the bun to save myself the aggravation.
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9:40 am on July 22nd, 2008
That picture doesn’t do the burger justice, in terms of size. It was huge. HUGE!
And, yes, sucky buns. Maybe we could bring in our own rolls next time, and substitute them for theirs?
**Looking forward to toasted marshmallow shakes and trinket shopping!
You are right. The picture really does not capture it. I could barely fit my mouth around that mother.
I kind of think two really thick slices of a good sourdough bread would be perfect. Just sayin’. And me too!
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9:40 am on July 22nd, 2008
INteresting. The burger at Central, reputed by the WaPo to be the best in town, is lauded for being served on Brioche, which distintgrated after the first bite into a soggy mess. Ruined my experience. Can’t stand bad buns…
And that goes for several things in life.
I have heard the bar at Palena has the best burger in town. I have yet to try it, but hope to sometime in the next few months.
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9:41 am on July 22nd, 2008
That looks sooooooo yummy, though I’m with you on the importance of the bun. Here’s a thought: I remember Alton Brown doing an episode of “Good Eats” where he advocated a thin layer of fat (in his case, mayo) to shield the bun from the moisture of the juicy patty. Do you think that would have helped?
I think it may have helped, but the bun was also just really dry…it was falling apart practically before you touched it. Ain’t no mayo gonna help that.
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9:42 am on July 22nd, 2008
My favorite burger is served at a place called the Spotted Pig here in NYC. There are no toping options but its so unbelievably tasty it won’t matter. Its served with Roquefort cheese and grilled as requested. The shoestring fries are made with rosemary and impossibly thin garlic chips. These are the best fries I have ever had in my life, better than the “Five Guys Burgers” peanut oil cooked fries.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rhoran/236546613/
drool.
http://thespottedpig.com/index.php
I suddenly want to ditch my leftover I have packed for lunch, hop on a train, and meet you at the Spotted Pig for lunch. Which is weird because we are strangers, but that is how good this looks.
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9:54 am on July 22nd, 2008
Palena has a great burger. Central is overrated.
I had a great burger at Toledo Lounge. Very good for bar food.
Toledo has awesome happy hour specials, too.
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9:55 am on July 22nd, 2008
“I am not looking for a nutrition when I eat 10 oz of meat… I could barely fit my mouth around that mother.”
i’m not casting any aspersions here, but perhaps this post needs a new name. let’s see… “Sublimation Sandwich”… “Inuendo on a Bun”…
For all that is good and holy. I was seriously not even being tongue in cheek here.
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9:57 am on July 22nd, 2008
I’m out of the loop… why does he call it Hell Burger? And is he going for a picnic vibe?
The actual name of the place is Ray’s Butcher Burger, but the street name is Hell Burger. I am assuming they didn’t want to register Hell Burger. I am also assuming Hell Burger because it is one hell of a good burger… And yes, definite picnic vibe going on.
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10:02 am on July 22nd, 2008
i never said that you meant to imply anything, but…
i’m just trying to remember if you’re beer bottle had the label peeled off or not the other night.
Running in to you, a person I have never met, was definitely weird this weekend. It was also weird when you would not tell me how you knew so much about me. If I had been anywhere close to sober, I would have been able to figure out who you were…
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10:07 am on July 22nd, 2008
wow… i can’t believe you’re admitting to stalking me. i was completely not going to call you out on that.
Keep dreaming, baby. It is good to have dreams.
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10:17 am on July 22nd, 2008
The best I’ve had is in Austin, a place called Martin’s Kumbak, although everyone just call’s it Dirty’s. It’s not a gourmet burger but your more classic grease joint type. I prefer the OT special with jalapenos: Two patties, cheese, bacon, jalapenos, lettuce, tomato, etc. The bun’s hold fast throughout the whole meal. I get it with a cherry limeade and a plate of cheese tots, which are Fried, not baked, tater tots with a slice of American cheese melted on top. YUM YUM YUM.
CHEESE TOTS?! Yum. Also, please don’t eat jalapeños for a while…apparently they now think they are tied to the salmonella outbreak. I am looking out for ya, Bates.
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10:20 am on July 22nd, 2008
http://www.dirtymartins.com/1/Home.htm
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10:29 am on July 22nd, 2008
Lemon, lamb, I would be there with you, enjoying every savory bite but for the fact that a very nice surgeon at Georgetown University Medical Center removed about two feet of my colon in 2002, thereby rendering all red meat verboten for life. In fact, the very burgers pictured above may have contributed to the decision to go under the knife. (OK, it was not a decision, exactly. “Save my life, in god’s name!” was what I actually said.) The radiation and chemotherapy only made the meat thing worse. Alors, cherie, I have learned to eat baked fish. But the passion is gone from all gustatory pleasures, of which there are almost none. As Chance the gardener said in “Being There”: “I like to watch.”
Michael, I am glad you are with us. Also, so very sorry you can no longer eat red meat.
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10:50 am on July 22nd, 2008
God dammit. I never thought it would be hard to put a reasonable bun on a good burger. As much as I love a good burger, this depresses me.
And really, leave it to Frecks to want to bring her own buns to stick the meat in.
I think that is a genius idea on Frecks’ part. Is it Frecks’? Or Frecks’s. GRAMMAR IS HARD. Not as hard as math, though…
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10:51 am on July 22nd, 2008
Ever been to Urban Burger? It’s way up in Rockville– it’s not the best burger ever, but it’s pretty damn good, and they have fried twinkies and ice cream for dessert. And about 3 AED’s on site for the ensuing patron heart attack.
Wowzer…fried twinkies? I think if I were to fry a chemicalized baked good, it would have to be a funny bone.
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10:54 am on July 22nd, 2008
So is an “inanely juicy” burger one that’s so juicy it just doesn’t make sense? And how does this differ from an “insanely juicy” burger?
A good burger bun is hard to find. What’s your opinion of the toasting issue? I maintain, after years of cooking burgers at SoCal’s In-N-Out, that it is impossible to have a truly good burger without a toasted bun. But it seems that they’re hard to find on the east coast. Most places just use a cold, untoasted bun that quickly gets mushy and falls apart.
You proofread so I don’t have to…thanks.
I like a grilled bun, slathered in butter. if I am going to kill myself, I would like to go happy. (Plus, I think the grilling causes a kind of crispiness which adds nice textural contrast.)
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10:59 am on July 22nd, 2008
So, did they at least grill the bun?
Negatory.
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11:02 am on July 22nd, 2008
I will have to investigate this “Hell Burger.” Though I am quite partial to Gordon Biersch, especially when I have a rippin hangover. Thanks for the review.
GB! For the love… I mean it is fine, but cannot hold a candle. This is ten times better.
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11:02 am on July 22nd, 2008
That’s it, I’m not going. Travesty.
If you can go sans bun, I still recommend it.
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11:05 am on July 22nd, 2008
It’s Frecks’s.
Fudd has the best buns.
What kind of hull do you have?
Gotta admit, though it is a chain, Fuddrucker’s does have some great buns.
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11:08 am on July 22nd, 2008
Either Frecks’ or Frecks’s is proper — it’s a style option, not a punctuation rule.
Yeah, Fuddrucker’s has decent buns.
Maybe that is why I have always been confused. I need rules!
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11:15 am on July 22nd, 2008
Geez, with all this bun talk, it’s like a Roissey thread in here today.
I wonder how much it will ding his ego that you spelled his name incorrectly.
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11:29 am on July 22nd, 2008
I am slowly assimilating to D.C. so my taste in things will need to be slightly guided. Though the GB meatloaf is still wicked good. I will check out this hell joint and see what kind of action they have. Thanks!
Those garlic fries are pretty good, too. Just don’t kiss anyone afterwards.
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11:34 am on July 22nd, 2008
Well, when your ego is that large, does a chip off the top of the empire state building make a difference?
It’s good for him.
AW, he isn’t even here to defend himself. He isn’t so bad.
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11:35 am on July 22nd, 2008
I thought for a moment you made that, that looks yummy
It was…
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11:44 am on July 22nd, 2008
DEF looking forward to toasted marshmallow shakes!!! And some impromtu jewelry shopping, perhaps…. baby needs a new pair of turquoise earrings.
Is it impromptu if we are planning on it? Either way, cannot wait!
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11:51 am on July 22nd, 2008
I would have gone with Frecks’ – but I rarely refer to myself in the third person, which is a dead giveaway that you are a monster douche.
I am wondering if there is a diet where one can eat fried twinkies and cheese tots.
We would not be friends if you talked in third person. But since we are, let’s get working on making that twinkie/tot diet going…
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12:06 pm on July 22nd, 2008
True story, not so impromtu. However, it will be all Jane Bond-esque… I will be waiting for the text, poised just blocks away, and armed with ketchup.
Assault with a deadly condiment…
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12:34 pm on July 22nd, 2008
this post makes me want to get back on the sausage. i’m with you on rare too…so much more flavor.
Yes, much more flavorful. YUM. And I could never quit sausage/meat/whatever.
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12:37 pm on July 22nd, 2008
One of us needs to bring a camera. I’ll bring the black-bar glasses.
You are always prepared.
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12:43 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Monster Douche is the name of my band.
The name of my band is Heavy Sack….which I am pretty sure is another way to say Monster Douche.
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12:45 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Isn’t getting back on the sausage what yesterday’s post was about?
Lem’s Mom: I’m so sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.
My poor mother has become desensitized to this…or has at least made peace with it.
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1:45 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Lemmy, the fact that you were tempted to come to NYC just for the burger doesn’t surprise me. Its Monster Douche technique #31, baiting chicks with food.
…and I fall for it every time.
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2:05 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Ohhhh, garlic fries! Not sure if they’re off the list or not. If they are, kiss me!
You don’t want a kiss after those fries.
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3:20 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Good buns are extremely important.
I recently criticized Angelina Jolie’s buns and she punched me in the face.
You should never criticize a woman when she is in labor. Will you never learn?
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3:52 pm on July 22nd, 2008
I’ve got the decoder rings!
I am not going to wear anything under my trench coat…is that cool?
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4:48 pm on July 22nd, 2008
I love Rays the Steaks and was prepared for the best burger in town when I recently went to check out his new burger place. But I too was disappointed. I still prefer Palena’s burger, hands down, over any other in town. It is as rare as you want it, cooked to perfection. And the fries and onion rings, including fried lemon slices, are to die for. The homemade mayo is part of the reason. I am so hungry just thinking about this! So even though I live in VA, a lot closer to the new place, I will continue to trek up to Chevy Chase to Palena, where I have never had a bad meal!
You have convinced me I need to go to Palena. I mean, I can walk there. There is no excuse.
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4:55 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Yeah . . . health codes can suck it! I’m with you, Lemmonex. I want my beef twitchin’. And yes, why does it seem so hard to get fresh rolls on burgers . . . and fresh bread for sandwiches . . . just fresh bread products, generally. They make all the difference in the world; they’re easy to procure; yet so rare in the restaurant world. I just don’t f^#kin get it!
We are adults. If I want my meat very rare, I want my meat very rare. I will sign a waiver if I have to.
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6:55 pm on July 22nd, 2008
I’m of two minds on this. For the most part, I agree with you–a good bun is key.
But on some level, I see a falling apart bun as a sign of an exceptionally good burger.
The bun should be strong enough to endure even the toughest test. Spike has scrambled your brain!
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10:35 pm on July 22nd, 2008
Venison sliders…kill em myself, grill em myself. Served on those sweet Hawaiian rolls (buttered with bacon grease, grilled on hardwood charcoal or mesquite). 8 to the pound, nice and bloody. No binders.
God bless Texas….
Everything is bigger and better there, that is for sure. I love venison.
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8:56 am on July 23rd, 2008
Ha ha absolutely- then we’ll get right to the front of the line…
A plan is hatched.
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9:37 am on July 23rd, 2008
In that I’m driving y’all, you best wear panties under that trench. My carseats are hot as balls – you’re apt to get a burn on that tush.
Just say no to a burned tush.
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3:35 pm on July 27th, 2008
I like venison sliders…I grind them myself, so it’s only a few minutes between fridge and grill. On those sweet hawaiian rolls..little chipotle sauce and red onion. Or roasted hatch chiles if in season.
I am experiencing deja vu.
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2:44 am on July 31st, 2008
Sorry, Lemmonex. I posted the first one from my crackberry…but I thought it didn’t go through.
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3:01 pm on August 4th, 2008
OMG, I went there this weekend and I ate everything! Even the stupid buns, which I totally agree, weren’t as awesome as the burger. I put muenster and mushrooms on top. I’m still full.
yeah, it is INSANE…the buns need a revamp but everything else is awesome.
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