Dear Body:
I have so much I want to say to you.
My first compulsion is to apologize. It seems such a female thing to do, to repent and offer up a bucket full of sorries. We’ve been taught, us women, that there is always something to be sorry for. We are sorry for our emotions, sorry for our age, sorry for our opinions and sorry, of course, for our bodies.
I am sick of feeling sorry.
Body, I have done some awful things to you. I have not treated you the way you have deserved. I have let how you look affect my whole psyche. A lifetime of hatred towards you permeated my entire being. I lived in a strange space, where you were fully ignored and an all-consuming preoccupation.
I spent years stuffing you full of food. My gut would ache, yet the meals would never end. Food was an intoxicating drug I could not quit, no matter how large my stomach swelled. I have yards of faint stretch marks, a memorial to the abuse I have put you through.
I have compared you to countless other bodies. I have cursed you for having thicker thighs than the women I pass on the street, a fuller stomach than the girls at the bar and a wider ass than the lady sitting next to me at the coffee shop. You have been subjected to a lifetime of unrealistic expectations.
I have shared you with men undeserving and unkind. As a teenager, I would pick the skin on your face, hating the red, angry bumps that flecked every inch. You still have the scars. I would stand in front of the bathroom mirror, face inches away from your reflection and call you ugly. I would wish for fuller lips, bigger teeth and different colored eyes. I have smoked countless packs of cigarettes and bottomless pints of beer, subjecting you to achy, painful mornings. I spent a year of my life dedicated to shrinking you, assuming that if you were smaller, all my problems would be solved. Some problems did evaporate, but a whole new crop popped up, and of course I blamed you.
All these things have happened. It is done and they are in the past. I won’t apologize; I merely sit here hoping you have already forgiven me, knowing this was the journey I had to take.
I like to think we have entered in to a silent pact. You accept that I am doing my best, but sometimes, there are setbacks. I, in turn, aim every day to keep up my end of the bargain. I know I will still overeat, but I will do my best to get on the treadmill and remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. I will continue to have moments where I criticize your stomach and thighs, but I promise to not linger in that place too long. I write a food blog, for the love of God; why must I insist on testing us so much? This seems a special type of torture. I think you know that is just my style; always striving, always wanting more, always hungry for everything life has to offer. I will push us and always bring us to the edge of our boundaries.
I am always doing my best, though. I promise.
Unapologetically,
Lemmonex
(Note: Though the deadline for “A Letter to my Body” has already passed for BlogHer, I set it as a personal goal for myself to finish my letter before the end of June.)
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“I know I will still overeat, but I will do my best to get on the treadmill and remind myself that tomorrow is a new day.”
Wow. So, so true. Thanks for this.
I hesitated on publishing this for weeks. I am glad it spoke to you…makes it worth it.
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Your body is resilient. It forgives and forgets. You should allow yourself to do so, too.
I am doing my best, K. Doing my best.
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“You have been subjected to a lifetime of unrealistic expectations.” Very, very true. We always see ourselves so very different from how the rest of the world sees us. We should all let go (responsibly, though, obviously we can’t forget the treadmill entirely!) and see how much better we feel. Easier said than done, right??
This was really a great post.
Thank you. Letting go is something we should all work on, but realistically, it is incredibly hard. Day at a time, Jenny. I appreciate you stopping by.
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we need pics of said body… make sure you get your tits in frame.
kthxbye
Ryan! Such a charmer you are!
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I am hoping that comments like Ryan’s won’t get deleted – though deletion was my first thought. Let the obnoxious objectification stand as a reminder to treat your body well for you and you alone. A further reminder that far too few men rise to level of deserving your time, let alone sharing of other things.
This was a great post. I wish you continued success in maintaining a healthy relationship with the subject.
He proves my point exactly. He left an equally beguiling note in my about me section. He is magic, let me tell you. And thanks.
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Oh woman… you nailed it: you, me, and every other “normal” girl in this world. When I think of everything I’ve done to my “temple,” it scares the crap out of me. But then again, I wouldn’t be nearly as cool if I hadn’t.
It’s all about balance. Blah blah life is short and we only live once. Live hard, play hard, love hard… and clean it all up in the morning.
(I figure as long as I drink water, wear sunscreen and brush my teeth, I’m golden..
P.S. OMG cupcake pops with teddy grahams!!!
http://bakerella.blogspot.com/2008/06/pool-party-pops.html
Always wear sunscreen, lady. And thanks…glad it seems to be resonating.
MMM…teddy grahams.
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JESUS. Losers like #4 are why it’s f-ing impossible to find cool women in DC. I don’t blame so many of ya’ll for pulling yourselves off the market, if that’s the status quo.
If I had a dollar for every woman I’ve met/dated/fooled around with who had body image issues that I felt were totally unjustified, I’d be posting this in Hawaii waiting to catch early morning waves instead of staring at the walls of my non-profit.
Strong post Lemmonex. Thank you.
No, thank you. Glad to see guys find it worthwhile as well.
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I will echo everyone else and say that this was brave and beautiful of you to post…and yet I expect nothing less from someone so brave and beautiful in all aspects of life.
I just got the warm fuzzies. Thank you so much.
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Thank you! I think women spend way too much time worrying about their bodies, worrying about other women’s bodies, or just worrying in general.
Your body is the express lane to your soul, and it should be treated with respect. But with that respect should come a healthy sense of fun: try new foods, have a glass of wine, throw some fun outfits onto it.
I could not agree more. I am very serious about my outfits and my wine.
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Lemmonex-
thanks for this – I think I may have to try one of my own. Lord knows how I have abused and neglected my body and then berated it for the ache pains and distorted shape I myself inflicted. You are my hero for being brave enough to post this where jerks like Ryan lurk.
It was a really hard exercise and I think jerks like Ryan are EXACTLY the reason why I needed to post this. Thanks, Tina. Let me know if you post.
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I had a Reiki instructor once who said to thank your various body parts, even if you might feel silly. I.e., thicker thighs means you have strong. healthy legs that can take you where you want to go, and that’s a wonderful blessing!
Thanks for sharing.
I think if you say things enough times, you start to believe them.
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An open letter to your body? Now that is both moving and clever. I tried something like that once but it was more like a text message and my body actually responded……with jaundice and the herp.
Haha, I don’t think I could have condensed this to a text message. I always have too much to say.
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I have a future related post to this subject but I, VK, would like your (Lemmy) input. As a guy who has a 50-50 chance of one day having a daughter, was there something your parents could have done that would have limited how self-conscious you were growing up, until now about your body? And if you have a daughter what will you do to insure that they have little to none body issues at all?
It seems that it’s normal to have some body issue but after reading so many female posts on this topic what can be done to insure that the next generation of girls don’t grow up with the same problem. I have two younger sisters both born here, but even with that, this image issue seems to be a foreign problem in my house hold and culture.
Whoa boy. This is loaded. I would first like to say my mom and stepfather were loving, supporting parents, who encouraged me and did a great job raising me. You’ll also notice I didn’t mention my father. He is someone I have decided not to talk about here, but I will say this: relationships with father are essential to how a young girl/woman’s self esteem and self image are formed.
I believe I was handed a 50/50 shit sandwich which is why I ended up overweight: horrible genetics I fight every day (I can have a bad weekend and gain up to 4 lbs) and I learned to turn to food to cope. The more overweight I became, the more I hated myself and so on and so on. Loving your daughters, encouraging them to be healthy emotionally and physically, is definitely a step in the right direction.
We can discuss this more offline if you really are interested.
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Dear Lemony goodness,
Congrats on getting your head right. I am in a gym (I REALLY don’t mean to make this about me) 5 days a week with people you would consider fit to very fit. You can see them looking in the mirror with a frown. My point is the we all have our own mirror. What we see is only real to ourselves. I wish you well on this journey!!
It is amazing how no matter what you do, you are never fully happy. I find myself criticizing, where 2.5 years and 65 pounds ago, I would have killed to look the way I look now…the journey continues.
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Just wanted to say I really appreciated your post. Not being of the womanly persuasion, I can’t say I relate to everything you went through, but there were definitely things that struck a chord with me. I too often find myself shoveling down food even when my stomach cries (quite loudly) no. I get what you’re saying about how, even after losing weight you’re still down on yourself (one goal down, more to go). Not to go all Oprah on you, but it was good reading this from someone other than me. Plus, I gotta say, we food enthusiasts have an AWESOME problem of being able to concoct deliciousness with just about anything. Last saturday I get home from the bars only to bake sugar cookies and macaroons. Friggin’ A.
Keep fighting.
Ed, wow. Thanks for piping in; more men struggle with this than they will admit in the open. And yes, us food enthusiasts/those of us who struggle with our weight are also cursed with having the best/most evil ideas.
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You did a lovely job with a really difficult topic. There are so many reasons we eat, and in western society, hunger is low on the scale (no pun). Food is so fraught with emotion. And love your body for who you are is such a hard task. And everything in pop culture encourages us to feel like we’re not skinny/breasty/tall/petite/pale/tan etc – whatever – enough. Good for you in so many ways!
Thanks…it is true, I have the luxury of struggling with food because I grew up here. I think if it wasn’t food, though, it would be something else.
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Great reality check. It’s the toughest realization when you finally think about and admit all the ways you’ve abused yourself (believe me, I did it ALL through my twenties too!).
But the great thing is that now you’re forgiving yourself and moving forward with a great attitude, after all you said “tomorrow is a new day.”
You deserve to respect yourself and it sounds like you’re working really hard on that. Good for you!
I have not been kind to me in many ways, but I am always striving to improve. Admitting it ain’t easy.
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“A letter to my body,” motivated by something called “BlogHer” certainly has the potential to veer off into wacko-land very quickly.
But this is one of the most mature and honest responses I can think of reading. There is no blaming someone else for life’s problems, while still not tearing yourself apart either, each of these tendencies belonging more to emo teenagers.
A female not liking her body is just One of Those Things that nature intends, just like how guys will never be satisfied with their status and wealth, and we just have to try to keep it under control.
Not putting some larger political spin on it is admirable too — especially since you majored in women’s studies! — as complaining that “the personal is political” is, in most cases, an excuse.
Both the letter and the comments are valuable to male readers for showing how little of this phenomenon has to do with guys’ preferences, how it’s this competitive game girls play against each other, that seems so foreign and exotic to us guys.
I wish there were something guys could do to change it. If a father tells his daughter how beautiful she is, she’ll think it’s sweet and polite of him, but she really only values what other girls think about her.
Even guys her own age don’t have that much input — try telling a girl she’s got a great butt. “Omigod, what’s wrong with my butt???!?!??!!?!” No, I said you have a great butt. “Omigod is it that noticeable?!?!??!!!!?!”
While this psychological self-torture will never go away, alleviating the worser symptoms requires a way of cutting down on girls competing with each other about their looks. Same-sex schooling, maybe, where they aren’t always trying to see who can get the most attention from boys? I dunno, something like that.
I don’t think same sex schooling would work…the competition would still be in play. If you are going to argue it is natural for women to feel this way (“nature” does not necessarily breed this in to us, I don’t think), it will be there whether the boys are there are not.
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I’m so very proud of you, as I have always been each and every day since you were born. You have always been the most special and beautiful daughter in the world. You have always been as beautiful on the outside as you been on the inside. This was a wonderful post and I am the one that got lucky the day you were born!
Even though it is your job to love me, I am glad you do, Mom.
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I am jealous of your mom! Mama Bear, you are so sweet.
All my relatives told me I was ugly and fat, my mom included. I didn’t get enough adoring love from either of my parents. I guess I did get a lot of tough love from my mom though, because I would have been a lot wilder if not for my mom.
Your post is so dead on; almost all girls have similar struggles with their appearance. For a long time I thought I was really ugly, and it didn’t help matters that I looked different from most people in America. I didn’t have a lot of weight problems, but I still struggled with body image issues.
There is also the other side, which is too much self-control and compulsion about eating, leading to being too thin and underfed. The healthy equilibrium is so hard to balance for a woman, it really is. Our hormones go out of whack at least twice a month, and stress gets to the best of our bodies. My face still breaks out… blech!
A lot of men also struggle with food and health, but it’s different for them. They usually think of it as a mortality issue. Appearance wise for them, I think thinning hair is a bigger deal than gaining weight. I wonder if men understand that part of the reason for lowering pregnancy rates is because of the culture that focuses so much on thinness and beauty…
The outpouring of response (here and over email from folks) has been incredible; this is such a hard topic for women to talk about and admit they struggle with. I mean, I remember seeing things in the past that are not even there. I went through a stage of hating my nose! Why?! Because it was the thing to do, I suppose. My nose is perfectly small and lovely. Oye.
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I’ve never commented before, but this one really spoke to me. I love your blog, mostly for the recipes, but your honesty here is refreshing. cheers to you, for having the courage to say (or write) what almost every woman I know secretly thinks…
Thanks Tina. That is so kind; and back to recipes tomorrow!
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I fully agree with lem and agnostic. To me it’s always been an issue of what other girls think. Guys, (in my rather brutal opinion) are just happy to have someplace to warm to put it. Not having any male figure in my life has made me think men are just foreign creatures and have had no large impact on my self esteem. But maybe that’s b/c I been in therapy since i was five!
I have always figured that my curvy figure just exists in the wrong decade. Didn’t it used to mean i was rich??? I make countless excuses ad nauseum for all the weight i’ve gained since college and not taken a lot of responsibility for it. Yes, it’s my genetics, but it’s really comes down to my portion control. And at the end of the day, it’s my health.
And to be perfectly honest, I’ve never thought of it as something i was ‘doing’ to my body until I read your blog yesterday. For me it’s always been more of an emotional reaction and i’ve never had the perspective to think of my body something completely separate from me, me.
I wanted to thank you for getting my ass in gear to start doing something a bit more drastic to make amends to my body. Yes, my therapist mentioned it a week before, but reading what you wrote allowed me to think about it in a totally different way and prompted me to actual do something. I’m going to my first OA meeting tonight.
I’ve always deeply respected you and your success in the weight arena, but voicing this deep internal monologue to the world has raised my opinion even more. And despite the criticism, know that you are positively effecting many people and also countless people who don’t comment.
You just made me cry. I am practically speechless. Thank you so much, Dig. Good luck tonight. I am always here for a pep talk and support.
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Bah!!
My body wants to take it easy! Watch some TV for a while…
It begs me for chocolate chip cookies every night, and I often oblige.
(Yes, I know this isn’t a supportive comment….but dammit, God made sugar taste good for a reason!)
Yes, it does taste good. I cannot deny you this. Though I prefer a oatmeal raisin cookie or pie to a chocolate chip cookie, just sayin’…
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I will do my best to get on the treadmill
Make it easier on yourself. Exercise that is both grinding and mentally deadening is not the sort you’ll stick with. If you can’t get cognitively challenging or fun exercise – like playing sports – then at least make it brief and intense.
Carbs are the enemy. Reduce them and watch fat melt away. But don’t burn off too much adipose tissue, real men like curves.
Carbs can be the enemy, but ok in moderation. But you are right about real men…
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can you delete my initial comment, I have the wrong thing down for the website – yikes thanks
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This basically a letter to my body as well, minus the alcohol. Some guys feel pressure to look better as well, and I’ve always felt less then adequate when compared to my peers in the body department.
Very moving.
We all feel the pressure and it is sometimes very hard to admit.
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Ventured here from DCBlogs. What a fabulous letter you’ve written.
An excellent forehead smack I read in a women’s mag a year or so ago said that we don’t beat ourselves up for not being as brilliant as Marie Curie, as successful as Oprah, or as good at tennis as a Williams sister, but we will do terrible things to ourselves for not looking like the supermodel du jour.
Thank you. And that is such a great point…I can never look like the supermodel du jour, I can only be me. Me is usually pretty okay.
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Make peace with your body now because it will be with you for a long time (hopefully), and some days are just better than others.
This post is incredibly well written!
Oh Barbara, thanks so much. It is always nice to hear from you. Making peace is not always easy, but every day I do my best.
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I love this post.
Thank you so much.
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I’m going to add to the accolades as well. Very brave of you to be so vulnerable, even online. And educational for men. Who face similar struggles and insecurity, although more in the arena of competence/success/charisma than pure looks.
The primal struggles to reproduce, avoid starvation or violent death, seem distant concerns compared to the psychological battle to feel socially valuable and “sexy” — a modern concept if there ever was one.
Imagine how different it would be to never see one’s reflection, except in rare encounters with smooth, calm waters.
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