Tonight, I bought a dress for my birthday party. It is perfect; tight, black, short with an iridescent leopard print. Sexy without being skanky, and believe me, that is a line I have a hard time towing sometimes. As I stood in the dressing room, little birds starting chirping and the theme to “Top Gun” began to play. An angel got it’s wings. Most women can attest, it is very rare that we try something on and not one flaw can be detected. I left the dressing room, skipped to the cash register and happily laid my card down. It was on sale; the Universe loves me. As I left, I hummed along to the Christmas music, and it was then I knew I had lost my damn mind. I hate Christmas.
Several people have told me that one of the things they enjoy most about this blog is I don’t treat it as therapy. I don’t plan to start doing that now, but something has been bothering me, and the half dozen posts I cannot seem to finish tell me it is time to say something.
I have alluded to my weight struggles, poking fun at them and mentioning it as one of the reasons I lighten up my recipes. What I don’t think I can capture here is what it is like tipping the scales at over 200 pounds and knowing the world judges you harshly. It is some cosmic joke that I love cooking so much, but the results can cause me such pain. On harder days, I look at pictures of the “Old Lemmonex” and there is nothing to laugh about, just sadness for what I was and how much pain I was in. There are no jokes that can be made about knowing what it is like to be the obligatory fat friend in a group or what it is like to allow certain people to treat you badly because it is better to be shit all over than be excluded from the group. The world is not a kind place to fat people, and as someone who has been a size 6 and size 16, I can say with certainty that people like you more when you are thin.
When you are fat, people think you are lazy and lacking in self control. They feel uncomfortable around you, as you are a physical manifestation of their worst fears. For people who have never had weight issues, it is impossible to understand that it is an ugly, vicious cycle and most overweight folks wish they could snap out of it. When you believe you are invisible anyway, sometimes the only comfort is that burger or sundae. Even though I lost the weight over two years ago, I still hide it from certain people, liking that they never knew me “that way”. Pictures of me, overweight and frumpy, are hidden when new guys come over and I still think people will judge, assuming I am backsliding, every time I order fries instead of the side salad. Running in to people I haven’t seen in years is a double edged sword; I bask in the glory of my huge accomplishment when their jaw drops and they are speechless, but it is a hard reminder of how I used to look.
Whether it be the flap over Jennifer Love Hewitt’s bikini photos, the blogs of several people (some that I actually enjoy, others I don’t) poking fun at fat girls or the barrage of articles in the past week regarding childhood obesity, it is hard to escape the societal obsession with our waistlines. Of course, every day it is a choice. I choose not to binge. I choose to make time for the gym. I choose to pawn half my food off on my co-workers so I am not tempted by it sitting on my kitchen table. Every single day, I struggle with the choices I must make in order to be happy and healthy. Some days I really just want to drown myself in junk food.
I choose these things because that one spectacular moment with that dress is worth it. It isn’t vanity that motivates me–though I am sure there is an element of that– but more than anything it is the thrill of feeling normal. No one looks at me with pity anymore. I shop in normal stores and people make eye contact. When anonymous people on the internet talk about fat chicks, they aren’t thinking about me. What they will never fully understand is I will always be that girl. That girl making fun of herself to be accepted, being told “You have such a pretty face, if you only lost weight…”. I now wear the hot dress, but in my heart I will always be the girl wearing the XL sweater, convincing myself the dryer shrunk my pants.
Maybe this is an incredibly overwrought way to say “Sorry kids, no brownies at the blogger happy hour tonight!”, but today I choose the dress. I want to look hot, dammit, and those bourbon brownies have my ass in their sights.
10:24 am on December 7th, 2007
That Jennifer Love Hewitt’s thing is such a non-story, I think her PR people drummed it up for publicity!
Amy from DC Metrocentric
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10:50 am on December 7th, 2007
I like your thoughts about making the choices. I think you read and commented on something I posted recently about the whole stomach stapling stuff and how my life is a series of choices with the loom of genetics in the background. You are so right.
The one thing I have not figured out is how most Europeans are so thin. For an entire country (take Italy for example) to be thin is just so…weird. Especially when they eat pasta all the time. It sort of makes me want to throw the South Beach diet out the window. Except that it works…so I always go crawling back when I’ve gained 10 lbs. and need to drop it fast. Though I will say, that it is just some Euro countries. Greece has its share of the overweight, probably because they seem to like eating cookies for breakfast. That strikes me as really effing weird.
I’ve often cringed at the blogs that arbitrarily make fun of others in varying capacities – weight, looks, culture, only because I can’t believe I have to share a world with those people. Knowing a lot of female bloggers in person, and knowing that many of them are NOT size 2’s, I’m surprised at some of the garbage that continues to be posted. But, those insult slingers are telling more about themselves than they are about the objects of their wrath.
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11:05 am on December 7th, 2007
I’m actually in love with the whole Jennifer Love Hewitt story and was going to write a post about it. First off she said she’s been quiet for too long and blah blah blah…. Whatever you didn’t say anything till the paparazzi too YOUR picture. Second she said being a size 2 doesn’t make you fat…. WAIT WHAT! If she’s a size 2 then I’m 13”…. Around
That’s all for now
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11:12 am on December 7th, 2007
Amy: While I agree maybe it was drummed up by PR people, it certainly has taken on something bigger.
Velvet: I spent a few weeks in France and I will never understand how a country that has cheese and pan chocolat for breakfast every day stays so thin. Maybe more active lifestyles? Less snacking? I agree re: the stuff that goes up…sometimes it is easier to make fun of others than be introspective.
VK: I agree she should have spoke up sooner. As far as the size 2 thing, I felt shame about it but I thought the same thing. It made me angry, because I actually do think she is lying. She should say “There is nothing wrong with being a size 8″, because there isn’t. It sucks that even in her defense, I think she is feeding in to the monster.
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1:31 pm on December 7th, 2007
I think a big part of the Europe thing is the complete and utter lack of escalators/elevators. I remember, in Paris, noticing the lack of handicap-accessible… anything. Very old, very frail people were climbing the same stairs as teenagers, sometimes up 2.5 flights to get to the station. I know I lost weight while I was there, and I ate a LOT. Mostly whole/natural foods, too.
I can relate to your struggle, and I still have to fight to make the right choices sometimes. But jars of Nutella, like bourbon brownies, have my hips in their sights. And in the long run, not even Nutella tastes as good as taking better care of myself feels.
I can’t believe I said that.
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1:50 pm on December 7th, 2007
Most of my relatives are very thin and small and I’ve always been bigger than them. It’s been a struggle my whole life to accept my curves and learn to love them. I will never be a size 2 and I’m okay with that. I love to eat and I will eat what I love, it’s just a question of moderation. Like anything I suppose.
BTW, Europe thing. Most foods are “made from scratch” meaning no processed stuff and high fructose corn syrup. My mom was recently saying how the concept of “made from scratch” is unheard of in other countries, because what -isn’t- made from scratch?
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3:25 pm on December 7th, 2007
Dagny: It is all about the choices–I hear you. Man, now I want some nutella!
Jo: Such a good point on made from scratch. They may eat pasta in Italy, but there is not a TV dinner to be found.
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1:20 pm on December 8th, 2007
wow lemmonex, i wish i read this yesterday! well, i can’t imagine what you went through but kudos for writing about it so candidly. i’m glad you spoke up. but most importantly, i’m glad you have reached a point where you are happy with yourself – i’m proud of you. if anything, your goal should be to be healthy – not to be thin for appearance’s sake. i’ll tell you what i tell all my friends, the overly thin ones even: we only have this body for the rest of our lives. if we don’t take care of it now, then it won’t be good to us 40-50 years from now. oh and p.s. not that it should matter but most men appreciate thick bodies over the thin ones, so fuck the american-standard of skinny appearances. curves rule.
i’m so glad you ended up coming last night!
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9:58 pm on December 9th, 2007
As someone who has said things in a way I am not proud of about myself and referring to things I am not proud of…I find this post refreshing and wonderful and it reminds me to be thoughtful always about things said about me and that I say.
Good for you to get this out here and you are right. And it was great to hang out on Friday.
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10:25 pm on December 9th, 2007
Shadi: Thanks–this is the most personal post I have ever written and support like yours doesn’t make me worry it was a mistake.
KassyK: I myself have to be mindful–its hard not to let my mouth run. And same here–I think I am off SoCo for a while.
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9:38 pm on December 10th, 2007
If there’s one thing I want to change about myself, it would be self-control. I can’t imagine how much control it would take to lose a significant amount of weight over a 2 year period. Good for you — it’s awesome that you’ve reached a point where you’re happy w/ your appearance and you did it in a healthy way most importantly!
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1:28 pm on December 14th, 2007
I *heart* you.
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8:48 am on January 11th, 2008
[...] night I put on “the dress” and felt truly loved as innumerable friends showed up to the birthday party I threw with one [...]
5:38 pm on February 8th, 2008
Browsing through your “Top Posts,” I found this one. I think you should wear your little black dress to the Blogger Buffet. All of your fans wanna see it!
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1:38 pm on March 13th, 2008
Just discovered your blog – great recipes and great writing. I liked this post very much.
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1:42 pm on March 13th, 2008
fivehusbands: thanks so much. it is so humbling that this entry continues to resonate with folks. it is the entry of which i am most proud.
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5:55 pm on July 16th, 2008
I just found your blog today via Live it, Love it. And, well, I love it. This little bit right here? “I now wear the hot dress, but in my heart I will always be the girl wearing the XL sweater, convincing myself the dryer shrunk my pants.”
Perfection.
Girl, I am right there with you and I have been working on a post addressing my issues with the same topic. It’s been a long and bumpy road.
You could not be more right that it involves getting up every day and making the right choices. Some days are spot on, others are less than perfect, but ultimately you’re in control, and you’re the only one who is in charge of deciding whether or not you can go into that dressing room and find that perfect LBD.
Thanks for letting the rest of us know that we are not alone.
Thanks for chiming in. It is sometimes really hard–impossibly hard–but I know we can do it. We just have to not be so damn hard on ourselves.
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12:18 pm on December 23rd, 2008
Just read this and … yeah. I know all about it. The difference between you and I is that you manage to keep it off while it manages to find me then lose me find me then lose me. I’m hoping that one day, two years down the road from the beginning of the end of it all, I can write a similar post.
You can, I know it.
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5:10 pm on February 4th, 2009
Wow, what an inspiring post. As someone who falls solidly into your “before lemmonex” category I identified with so much of what you wrote. I struggle a lot with wanting to be healthier, but yet hating the idea of “giving in” to society’s expectations of what is attractive/healthy/etc. Anyways thanks for this post, it definitely got me thinking again.
You have to find your standards, not society’s. Welcome to the blog and thanks so much for the kind words.
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