Snowflake

by Lemmonex on September 1, 2010

This weekend the Maiden Metallurgist came for a visit and we go to talking about human nature and the such.

This is what we women do when we are together.  We talk about human nature and philosophy and life and liberty…between talking about Twilight and drinking champagne.

It came up as we were watching some awesomely bad VH1 special listing the top 100 hard rock songs of all time. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was high on the list and we got to discussing Kurt Cobain, the effect he had on music in his short time, and what he could have done had he lived past 27.  Would there be a Justin Beiber? Black Eyed Peas?  I argue probably, but who knows.

A few minutes later, “Sweet Child of Mine” flashed on the screen.  I love GnR. It is fun, it is dirty, and they wrote some amazing songs.  I mean, come on now…”November Rain”?  Delightful. As I am the eternal parade pisser, I looked over at MM and said “Or Kurt Cobain could have become Axl Rose, shackled by his genius.  He could have just burned out.”  I made some Chinese Democracy and bad plastic surgery jokes as I am predictable like that.

Cobain and Rose were genius, but in the long run, they don’t seem to have made a lick of difference. Who does?
This then lead to the bigger question: is anyone special? Is anyone unique? Does anyone really change things?   We came up with a very short list of special people: Jesus, Madonna (Vogue, not the virgin), Babe Ruth, and Abe Lincoln.   Are there more?

I will go ahead and say that I am not special.  I am a white, educated, middle class urban dweller. I have a good job and good friends, but I am not bucking any trends here.  I am fairly entertaining at times, but I am not odd or out there or doing anything terribly unconventional.  I want to find someone to love and get married and pop out a few babies.  My aspirations are fairly conventional.  Anyway, I can’t take the burden of being special.  People would start expecting me to dry out and start doing something with my life other than buying obscenely expensive sunglasses.

So, this I ask: am I missing the point completely? Are we all special?  Are we all shifting the world in our little ways? Did Cobain change things?

Should I stop asking so many questions?

{ 18 comments }

Shiny, Happy, God Damn People

by Lemmonex on August 31, 2010

Yesterday, someone told me they were glad I resurrected the blog because they can count on me to not peddle canned, fake-happy bullshit.   It is true I am not one to see things glass half full.  I’m more “don’t drink the the last drops of water out of that filthy glass because it is fetid and will most likely kill you.”

It is a delightful coping mechanism I have cultivated over the years.  What am I coping with?  Who the hell knows.  I wasn’t born in to brothels and I do not posses a vestigial tail.   I have had some disappointments in life, some betrayals, some breeches of trust, but who hasn’t?

When dealing with a difficult or unexpected situation, I always seem to tap the well of pessimism.  I think it is easier to brace yourself for the worst then hope for the best.  I suppose I am more of a reactive type.  Why hope and wish and convince myself all will be well when in one quick thought, I can reject just about everything?

I have spent years dismissing men and friends who have let me down.  “Fuck them”, I say, “I expected it.” “I knew she would fail me”, I proclaim.  “Oh, of course it played out this way”, I think.  I always anticipate that there is one shaky domino, ready to set the whole world crumbling around me.

Yet, I continue to forge friendships.  I love those close to me hard.  I go on dates, letting that one shred of optimism I have peak through and lead me to another evening of canned small talk and one too many glasses of wine…because there is that hope. I sniff my niece’s head and allow myself to have a fleeting moment where I believe that kind of joy could happen in my life.  If I had completely given up I would happily sit home and continually shake my fists at the heavens.

I want to let that sliver of hope poke through the darkness, to resist the urge to snuff it out.  But am I ever going to be a ray of blinding sunshine?  I think not.  So, is everything perfect? Has everything in my life fallen perfectly in to place?  Hardly; I am not one to lie to myself or others.  I will be damned if I don’t try to embrace the shiny moments, though.

{ 16 comments }

I Need to Write

August 30, 2010

I am suffocating without an outlet.
And for fuck’s sake, nothing is more annoying than a blogger who retires and comes back, seeking adulation and applause.
So, just roll your eyes and snicker at me.  I deserve it.
I missed you.  Really. I am ready to do this my way.
Onward.

Read the full article →

…and in the End

January 24, 2010

This is my last blog entry.
I’ve been writing this blog for over two and a half years.  Sometimes I look back and marvel on how much things have changed…yet still somehow remained the same.  I’ve grown, I’ve regressed, I’ve managed to piss people off…wash, rinse, repeat.
The past six months or so this blog has become [...]

Read the full article →

Undateable

January 20, 2010

Hating animals and the outdoors has rendered me undateable.  
If you are a single woman, you know what exactly what I am talking about. The dating landscape is so mired with cliches, down right predictable that I can practically peg what a guy is going to say on a first date (or in his online [...]

Read the full article →

The Biggest

January 19, 2010

I must admit that when I watch shows like “Half Ton Mom” and “Half Ton Virgin”, I find myself conflicted.  As I am drawn to human spectacle and gritty medical programming, I have a hard time saying no to these vignettes of true suffering. Without fail, I always feel a bit queasy afterwards.
As someone who [...]

Read the full article →

Schooled

January 18, 2010

On the “I am a selfish asshole, I don’t give a shit about anyone but myself” scale, I would say not showing up for a reservation ranks a solid 7.
When you make a reservation at a restaurant, it effects the flow of the evening.  Hosts take the time to set the table.  Servers stations are seated [...]

Read the full article →

Buried

January 13, 2010

I spend a lot of time day dreaming, making hypothetical plans, conjuring up fantasy scenarios.
I wonder if I should get Lasik even though I am freaked out by anything touching my eyes. I panic out about a laser touching my eyeball and envision the whole surgery. I work myself in to a lather, practically break [...]

Read the full article →

You’re the Boss of Me

January 12, 2010

I want you to take out a pencil and mark the date. I am about to say something that will blow your mind.
I am sick of food.
There was Vegas and the holidays and then a few good weeks and then my birthday. And there has been dinner and cake and treats from my friends [...]

Read the full article →

Twenty Nine

January 10, 2010

Today, I am 29.
I fully realize there is nothing more grating than a woman who is still relatively young whining about her age, but this year has been hard. I feel like it is punching me in the face.  I am a glass half empty kinda gal and all I can do is think of [...]

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries